Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all, I wanted to ask a quick question but having trouble putting the situation into words.
Some important context: A long time ago I wrote a thread about my mom and was told that she was emotionally abusive. I also asked whether a lack of sadistic intent (f.e. mental illness) changed the situation into something other than abuse and was mostly told that sadistic intent is not necessary if a person is being treated in a way that truly harms them, especially a child.
Some of the behaviors I had discussed back then included blaming me for depression and various health conditions, accusing me of ruining her life, threatening suicide, threatening to abandon me, telling me my abusive father was killing her then *defending him from me* when I would confront him, using shame and guilt -- f.e. using the threat of self-harm or suicide to "influence" me as a teen and young adult, etc.
Well, I'm older now and things have become much better but there are a few things that I can't put my finger on. These things bother me but I can't really prove they're abusive or describe them without sounding weird (THIS IS WHAT I H*A*T*E ABOUT MENTAL ABUSE)
She's a very active woman, very hard working and that's admirable about her. I'm not nearly as active even though if I see that the house is dirty (as in clearly dirty not two used spoons) I will take the time to clean up. She, on the other hand, I would describe as "type A" or maybe even hyperactive where she will spend a long time folding toddler underwear or washing single outfits that I would gladly wash myself if given the chance (though probably not one by one).
I have offered help several times with cooking and cleaning (I also have my kids to take care of) but it's as if she didn't actually want me cooking or cleaning for the most part, and not just because she thinks the kids are harder work. It's as if she wanted to keep me feeling guilty over how overworked she is.
When I point out how the kid's underwear (as well as my own) could go unfolded and she should go rest, she becomes irritable and reminds me how much she's doing.
Maybe it's nothing but I hope that given the context you can understand why it might cause me to overanalize it (if it turns out that's what I'm doing).
Some important context: A long time ago I wrote a thread about my mom and was told that she was emotionally abusive. I also asked whether a lack of sadistic intent (f.e. mental illness) changed the situation into something other than abuse and was mostly told that sadistic intent is not necessary if a person is being treated in a way that truly harms them, especially a child.
Some of the behaviors I had discussed back then included blaming me for depression and various health conditions, accusing me of ruining her life, threatening suicide, threatening to abandon me, telling me my abusive father was killing her then *defending him from me* when I would confront him, using shame and guilt -- f.e. using the threat of self-harm or suicide to "influence" me as a teen and young adult, etc.
Well, I'm older now and things have become much better but there are a few things that I can't put my finger on. These things bother me but I can't really prove they're abusive or describe them without sounding weird (THIS IS WHAT I H*A*T*E ABOUT MENTAL ABUSE)
She's a very active woman, very hard working and that's admirable about her. I'm not nearly as active even though if I see that the house is dirty (as in clearly dirty not two used spoons) I will take the time to clean up. She, on the other hand, I would describe as "type A" or maybe even hyperactive where she will spend a long time folding toddler underwear or washing single outfits that I would gladly wash myself if given the chance (though probably not one by one).
I have offered help several times with cooking and cleaning (I also have my kids to take care of) but it's as if she didn't actually want me cooking or cleaning for the most part, and not just because she thinks the kids are harder work. It's as if she wanted to keep me feeling guilty over how overworked she is.
When I point out how the kid's underwear (as well as my own) could go unfolded and she should go rest, she becomes irritable and reminds me how much she's doing.
Maybe it's nothing but I hope that given the context you can understand why it might cause me to overanalize it (if it turns out that's what I'm doing).
Trust your intuition. (i.e. Do you question yourself and your abilities?)
Trust your body's reaction. (i.e. do you feel safe & comfortable or anxious & nervous when you are around her, or when you anticipate being around her?)
The fact that you are doubting your observations and asking here tells me that you are in a toxic environment.
I feel like she does thrive on having this overworked/unappreciated role. I remember being around 10 and her saying that I treated her as a slave. I think like most 10 year old's I didn't pay that much attention to housework and probably left my stuff lying around... I'm sure that wasn't ideal but her responses were definitely not normal. Now I realize that as an adult.
I've also noticed that the more I try to do (let's say I've cooked and cleaned the kitchen and dining areas) then she will find something ELSE to do. When I point out that we could do [whatever she's doing] tomorrow together, she gets defensive and says I don't understand just how much she does.
It's gotten to the point where I'm not sure I can actually make a difference.
I do think the best indicator of abuse is how it makes you feel. Not necessarily specific words that are used - or actions that are taken. If someone knows how to hurt you, bring you down, demean you and they consistently do that and you end up feeling self doubt, confusion, pain, anger, worth less than you are-you are stuck in something BAD.
Just to be clear-is this your mother you're talking about here?
Warm hugs
"My teeth are in bad shape...because I carried you and nursed you and it sucked the calcium out of my body.
I look so old and worn out...because I had to work so hard taking care of you.
I just wish I could die...because of you I'm not killing myself. But you better be nice, else...I might...
What? you are going on a date when I am lonely and miserable?"
And on and on and on!
Emotional blackmailing is what this is! I had to go to a different continent to get away from it...
Sorry sweetie...