Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Sorry this is kind of long and confusing.I have always been afraid of confrontation and did whatever I could to avoid it. A situation happened recently that I need some help with. The man we bought our house from, kind of thinks he is a wheeler dealer, and came to us with a proposition, if we helped him with his other properties he would sign off on the deed on our home in exchange, as we did not owe much left. I knew it would probably lead to trouble, but we agreed. He had recently moved to another state and was just here temporarily and because we were doing work for him he would come by the house quite a few times for ligitimate reasons and because he was away from home he did not have his computer and asks if he could use ours. he only uses it for a minute, but it starts to become too often. My husband decides he doesn't want him using our home for his "office", which I agreed with. So he says the next time he comes over I am to tell him he can't use it. Well, this is what is hard for me and I told my husband that I could not do it and he should tell him. My husband told me to tell him it was broken or something and I said I could not do that. Anyway, he comes over and my husband is on the phone and the guy asks me if he can use the computer, well because I am afraid to say no I say yes. What a big mistake! My husband says I disrespected him in his own home and put another man in front of him and he will never be able to trust me again. Also, at that time I was cleaning house for a 70 year old man and had to quit because he said I could not be trusted with him. I checked in on the man and he asked me to come back because his house is a mess. He is old and blind and I have no interest in him whatsoever, I just need the money so badly, but my husband never wants me gone and is using this incident to keep me home. I know I should have done what my husband asked me to do, but was it really so bad that he should never trust me again or is it just another way to control me? I am so confused after so many years of abuse I can't tell anymore.
I am sorry for what you have to live with. Sending you hugs for better days ahead...
I would be uncomfortable, same as you, to confront this guy and ask him not use our computer. My husband would have pulled the same thing: "Why are you putting this man ahead of me?"
It's hard and confusing when the abuse is mixed up with other things, where maybe you should have told the guy not to use the computer, and you second guess yourself, thinking that your husband is right.
A normal husband (not that I'd know!) would probably have just made a tsk sound about it, or would have just been annoyed again about the man, not about you.
I'm super new here and am just looking around, reading like crazy, and learning like crazy,but from just a few days of reading, I already feel more powerful, and feel like I'm not crazy, I'm just a weak person, the things that are going on in my house are not normal, and not my fault.
Good luck to you. I hope you (we both) find a way out or a way to make things better...
He was putting you in a painful situ he knew would distress you, knew how you'd react and then stuck it in to you..
It was a blatant set up and way to project blame for his mess onto you. I could see from first couple of sentances it was dodgy to sign. If he so clever..why he allow f**k up..he made a mess, projecting blame to you, punishing you, controling you and reinforcing your anxiety re assertiveness..
Heres my take...he needs to keep you unassertive and timid in confrontation to keep you in line and ensure you don't stand up to him. He puts you through this torture to make sure you don't think of standing up for yourself ever. He will also enjoy your pain and revel in his control as that's all that matters.
I don't know you or your situ chickie but I was with a controller. I was unassertive etc. I'm not now..I stood up for him..enough became enough..
and guess what the best thing is?????
These types of controllers are bullies, picking on the vulnerable, and empathic. They are cowards else they would be picking on people the same sex, size and social standing!!..
Stand up to them and they are not as scary(unless he already physical if so leave no excuses)...
Also you must find a way to switch off the empathy and concience as thats what keeps you in chains. It is easier and feels safer to stay unassertive, empathic and guilt ridden...
It takes a brave person to make any change within themselves but that is what you must do. You essentially have the control over yourself which is why he has to pull all that shit to keep control..
You can take control of you and the situ...
I hated myself for being so weak..i don't hate myself now and have control over me....i would never go back to that again!!!..
Don't let him do this..he is peice of dirt scumbag and you are beautiful person..you so far above him it's unreal..and he knows it which is why he has to keep control of you lest you see the truth about yourself!!!..
Trust me love..i am right..you are the bomb and you can stand up to him and get away. you have karma on your side sister!!! X
I'm sorry that your husband is sick. That makes things so much more stressful and compounds the guilt that you already feel.
One of my big fears is my husband getting really sick, and then me feeling that much more like I can't leave him.
yikes.
are you doing to do the cleaning and just see if your husband does the divorce papers thing again?
I guess all we can do right now is keep reading, keep learning, and hopefully things will either work out (in your case?) or in my case, I'll get away from my husband at some point.
What would be the point at which you said he'd crossed a line? Is it when he shows he has no respect for you (nope, he's done that already). Is it when he shows he has no trust in you and doesn't believe you are in any way a decent or honest person (nope, he's done that already). Is it when you are not allowed to have any life that does not revolve around him (nope, he's done that already).
Do you think he loves you? What is love to you? To me, love requires, at the very least, basic trust and respect. How can you love someone you have no respect for and do not even have any basic trust in? In my view, it's impossible. Is that what you want for your life? Or do you feel that it would be nice to be trusted and respected by someone?
I know I'll never again allow myself to be disrespected by anybody close to me. If someone refuses to trust me and refuses to offer even a little respect, they don't deserve to be a part of my life.
I can't remember the author sorry..
I'll try to find. I read this and memorised all the tactics. It keeps you 1 step ahead of them when they start. Once you see the tactics they really don't upset you as much.
By a certain stage we know what they are and that they don't love us but we are stuck in it. For me it was not the obvious abuse or him not loving me..i got that..
It was the head f**king..it took up so much energy and set me off balance. A simple book like that helped me to see. I felt powerful and less confused. He was applying all these tactics and it was BS..
I don't know you or your situation but don't give up on yourself. It sounds a little like you have..this doesn't have to be your life..i can't tell you how wonderful it is for me to go to bed alone. No stress. No cash, unsecure job @ present, debt..but a simple bowl of gelato and some CSI New York a and I'm content.
I have a little bed(for now)..i lie in bed thinking of having a huge bed!!!..but i'm lying hugging myself not almost falling out of bed as i can't bear to touch him as just the feel of his skin disguts me..
Freedom is so amaing..it's worth living on the streets for..i almost did that @ home..very dangerous place but i would have lived on the street for my freedom over having a roof over my head and suffocating in there with him...