I think we have to acknowledge our past and what happened. I do think we can change who we were told we are & things that have been instilled since birth. It's not easy, but also not impossible. I am in process of changing my thought processes and for the first time in my life, have experienced joy, love, acceptance & gratitude and even am coming to forgive my abusers.

I recommend the book Breaking Free of the Victim Trap by Diane Zimberoff. I also found a wonderful therapist who practices heart centered therapy and it is changing my life. I still have a long way to go, but I have changed tremendously in the past year.

For me, it was about making a decision that I WANT to heal and am willing to do whatever it takes. I had to face a lot of painful things (as we all do) and work my way thru them. As I said, its not easy and it won't happen over night, but with the right therapist and determination, dedication and a helluva lot of courage, you can do it.

This will be the hardest work you will ever do. But so well worth it!

My father is dying of cancer and even though, as the oldest child, I was the recipient of every form of abuse, I have always still been there for him in his older years. I still receive the belittling and shaming and verbal put downs ... never anything nice or nurturing or kindness in return. My sister and brother do not get along with each other ... they both live up in the area of my Dad and neither go to see him, so I made it a commitment to drive 4 hr. roundtrip to visit with him one or sometimes two weekends a month. Even though they were never very pleasant visits - I felt very much a hostage - I still did it because I felt it was the right thing to do.
Now that he has a progressive cancer, my brother - who has given everyone the silent treatment for over 4 years (always a taker and never has been a giver - got mad at all of us because we had family Christmas get together on Christmas Eve! He and his wife sat home (15 min. away) watching tv - what the kids told us.). When my brother heard the news of my Dad's illness, he immediately came to my Dad and acted all caring and thoughtful and said by-gones were by-gones. It has come to light that my brother has manipulated my Dad into signing a Quit Claim Deed of the property and gave him full Power of Attorney. My brother called me to say that he had EVERYTHING. All he had to do was put $500 into an account for Dad. He is now bragging that he got the place for only $500. All 40 acres of really nice property with several outbuildings and the house that my Dad built. After he told me on the phone that he had EVERYTHING, he told me that I got to be Executor and I would get to take care of all of the funeral arrangements and pay all the bills! haha. (he laughed). The last time I was up to see Dad, he yelled at me that I was a Stupid F'n Idiot. Why wasn't I at the hospital (nobody called me!) and I wasn't worth anything and that I didn't amount to anything. He also was calling me greedy when I told him that my brother didn't have to pay him anything for the property. My Dad said that it was a contract and that yes, J was going to pay the assessment value. My Dad has been totally hoodwinked by my brother. When I told him that it wasn't a Contract - that J didn't have to pay him a dime, my Dad yelled at me "Why do you have to be so greedy!" I'm like "WHAT?" My Dad thinks that my brother will be putting payments into a bank account so that he can pay his medical bills. Now I find out from my sister that my Dad was telling her that I wanted to take Everything?? I have never ever said that I wanted anything ... so I know that he is getting filled with these ideas from my brother. I have always been there for my Dad and my sister and brother haven't even though they live within 15-20 minutes from him and this is what I get .... Total Betrayal.

Yes i am a survivor of childhood mental and emotional abuse. my parents are still alive and i still see them and i still struggle to deal with the effects the abuse has had on me. it is very difficult because there is usually no acknowledgment or apologies of what happened. Healing is an ongoing thing i have some good days some bad. Usually the victim is made to feel like they're nuts for thinking it was a big deal. It is a big deal. I have a sister but we never really talk about the abuse. I have been told by my mom things like, Hes still your dad, you have to get over it, Thats just how he, is blah blah blah. I dunno about you but with me theres a guilt trip to because the abuse was like a light switch my dad could turn off and on. Like, good , phsyco, good, phsyco, good, phyco lol so theres the good dad mixed with the bad. i dunno, any kind of child abuse is tough to deal with but I feel like, survivors are strong people to have lived through it. Alot , maybe you, went through worse than me. I wish you the best in healing! God Bless

whad....death or illness bring out the worst in families. Or, at least that is my experience with it.

Hello brainoverload -----

I am a survivor of a dysfunctional family of origin.

We probably can't ever totally "forget" our past.

But we can restore ourselves to who we were MEANT to be.

It takes intention, attention, dedication, the right guidance and support ---- and time.

But recovery is possible
and healing happens.

I am an adult survivor of mental and emotional abuse from my father. Your story and situation comes very close to what is happening to me, so I feel your pain.
I have never had counseling for this abuse, so I haven't been told anything. But I have not been able to find my way to normal. And every day I try to psych myself into believing that I am worth being alive. I figure if I just keep trying, one of these days I will succeed.
My father is 90 and is getting worse as he ages. At this point in time I leave my phone switched off so I can avoid his outbursts. Being told I am incompetent 3 times a week is getting old!
All that I can say to you is that I understand what you are going through. According to my dad my brother can do no wrong, and I am "just a female who doesn't know anything about anything." By now I am numb to it. I don't expect to be included in his will, because he hasn't given me much hope for that. Not important.

All you can do is be truthful to yourself and others. If your brother choses to act otherwise, and is poisoning your father's view of you, then let him own that. If your father buys into it, and you think you will not be able to convince him otherwise, then your alternatives are very limited.

After that, I will just wish you well. Be strong because you know you are, no matter what you have been told your whole life.

Sorry, I was including Whadahay's story in my reply...

I am an adult survivor. And from experience, I can easily say that if you don't get help. Which I haven't. You will comfortably and continually seek the cycle of abuse. We get more stubborn as we get older. I can't stand talking to strangers about my life. I have my best friend who is an artist as well. We go for walks and talk things outs. I feel lost sometimes. I grew up cold and unaffectionate. But, its just my personality. When I choose a person. To let him or her in. They are the world to me.

What I do to get past my issues of the past? I appreciate that I am alive and healthy and capable of steering the life ahead of me.