Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Help! I'm having really hard time at my work. I have this same boss for over 10 years. She have been very mean to me these couple of days. I mean sometimes she's really nice. My life sometime is a wreck and she listen and give me good advice. It's like cycle here. She would be nice for a while and something I say or do somehow ticks her off and she would be mean for a week sometimes over a month. I guess she's not happy with my performance. She says I need to think on my own. She would dump some complicated work on me without exponation and expect me to get everything right. When I ask questions, she seemed be really bothered and givies me one word answer and look at me like "what are you still doing here." Or she doesn't give me answer at all. I'm hard worker and all I want is to do good job. I'm just not tough against mean people. They just break my heart. It doesn't have to be someone I know. Sometimes mean representive on the phone can make me cry. So what do you think? Do I need to be tougher? I just think that it doesn't have to be this way. Aren't peole supposed to be nice to other people because that's the right thing to do? I've been trying to be professional at work, but I've been crying all the way home these days. I don't really have choice to work somewhere else. I would like to know what do you think. Thank you.
I know this is probably totally different, but I had a boss once, who ended up being one of my best friends. I was totally confused at first when she started being really mean and kind of nasty to me. Took me awhile to find out this happened when she was fighting with her husband. She really didn't like him at all. I know she wasn't really right to do this, but once I found out it wasn't me she was mad at, then I really didn't care. We got to be really close after that and she taught me everything. She was the best nurse I ever had the pleasure to work for.
Sending support and hugs
In the meantime, it sounds like you can either, 1) keep letting her get to you and suffer, or 2) walk away inside whenever she starts being mean, or 3) if she says something you think is mean, ask, "Can you repeat that?". Actually, if I were you, I would start a journal (at home, not on work time or on your work computer/email) documenting everything that happens with her. You may find yourself in a sticky situation if she fires you or disciplines you while in a "bad mood". If you have built up a record, that will help.
The other thing I wonder is do you have any kind of grievance procedure where you work? Although it may seem like it would be impossibly difficult and painful, if you go through a grievance process, that would document that you tried to remedy the situation and it might force her to behave if others higher up see what she is doing. You might want to talk to someone in human resources about what the process is or talk to another employee who is practically-minded and trustworthy. Get as much support as you can.
I'm always counseling
that there's
NO SUCH THING
as "too sensitive."
And neither do you need
to be "tougher."
What you have described
about your boss's behavior
is a dysfunctional, hurting person
who responds to the world
by abusing.
What I would recommend for you
is to find a place to get counseling.
You would probably benefit by
working on how you feel about yourself
as well as your ability to erect and maintain
healthy boundaries.
You wrote:
Aren't peole supposed to be nice to other people because that's the right thing to do?
Most of us do that, if we're able to
do that.
But damaged people AREN'T ABLE.
Some damaged people, (like your boss),
are the ones who aren't able to
"be nice to other people."
In summary, you're NOT being "too sensitive."
But it may benefit you to learn how
to interact with damaged people.
They're NOT going to stop being damaged.
So WE'RE going to have to learn how to
deal with their insensitivity without
ending up in tears. That may not
be fair. But it's the way it is.
WE are NOT TOO SENSITIVE.
THEY're NOT sensitive ENOUGH.
(See if you can get some kind
of counseling or coaching
for how to navigate a world
where there are lots of
hurting, damaged people.)
I have a nutcase for a boss too. You are NOT being too sensitive at all. The best kind of counselling I get is from a feminist counsellor who specializes in abuse from all kinds.
You will benefit from counselling in the way a wife would if her husband were abusing her.
I have a Jeykl/Hyde boss who one day is so sweet I am glad to work at his clinic and then the next day he is so abusive he makes me feel like I really want to walk off my job.
The in between times I take the time to speak to him and try to get to the bottom of it. He himms and hawws and all that and sheepishly apologizes so I tell him he needs to stop his bad behaviour like blaming me for his mistakes, he has home problems and needs to talk about it, I am all ears, but to not come to work and take it out on me. That sort of thing.
He stops for a while then starts up again. I too would like to leave here but I do a great job and love it here. Why should I leave, he is making the problems not me. But I am planning on looking for another job too. Right now there are none here where I live.
Hang in there Daydreamy and together we will make it. Keep posting here where the support is awesome.
Take good care and have a nice day for yourself.
Linda in Ontario Canada :)
I like Ilene's idea of having tools to use with people like this...
Best of luck to you!
Here's something from my past that I'm try to say politely.
I used to work for a woman who would be straight forward then unpredictable. When she became unpredictable, she also became abusive. My office was isolated so I took it personally.
One day, I saw her being abusive in another person's office. That person shrugged it off. When I asked that person why they shrugged it off, they gave me information that I was unaware of. They said when this woman hasn't had "a long lunch" with a certain individual, she became unpredictable and abusive.
Later that day or the next, I saw these two people leave for one of their long lunches. When they returned at the end of the day she was once again predictable. I had to get her to authorize some things and dreaded going into her office. I remember going in and being surprised by how even keeled she was. I left this woman's office thinking "wow, so and so was right, what a difference".
Knowing this information made a difference because I now understood what was happening. It didn't make it right, but at least I understood it and it was in this understanding that her remarks became less hurtful when was abusive, which wasn't very often but every once in a while - wow!
I hope this helps.
who understands the dynamics of
abuse, its effects on the psych, and
how to build boundaries and
strengthen the inner self.
Maybe my perspective is a little different. Only because I was at an upper management level. I knew I wasn't going to find another position right away so I kept telling myself over and over...Its business...not personal. I never took my work home with me. I left it at that dysfunctional door. Everyday was a battle. I am not sure its not the trickle down effect you are feeling. I know some days my staff probably thought the same of me. I never ever want to treat someone like they dread coming to work. Often I was forced to act a certain way by the owner. I hated it myself. So I am no longer there.
I would definitely look for another job when you can. I would also learn something from this experience. I would do as another suggested and write stuff down. If you have an HR department I would bring that documentation to their attention since you know have it in writing. Harassment in the workplace is a serious issue. It is not to be taken lightly.
In the meantime, take an inventory of yourself. Do you work hard? Are you there on time and work to what they expected of you in your interview? In times such as company consolidations, did you take on the work of another that was eliminated? If so, were you compensated for it? Can you take more responsibility on? Are you taking ownership for your work? Do you leave promptly at 5pm each night and get in only at 9am? Do you leave your desk to chat? IN NO WAY do I want you to feel these questions are me eluding to your boss being a jerk. I am simply giving you something to think about for your career. (its stuff I would talk to my staff about when times were difficult) If you do all you can...put in a little extra time and effort you become valuable either there or in your next position.
Good luck. AND DOCUMENT STUFF!!!
Thank you so much for your reply, I was starting to think I must be crazy to be the only one who thinks this way.
I do know everybody is different and I guess I am really different from most people. It took me many years to learn, and yes, I had to learn, not to be over sensitive.
I am in the minority as usual, but when I learned to let a lot of things run off my back and look for a reason, rather than feel bad, thinking everything is my fault or everything is all about me , I was a happier person. I have seen a couple other people who stress so bad for days if someone said the wrong thing to them. I think they are over sensitive.
If I would have continued putting the worse spin on things when someone said or did something I didn't think was fair, or would hurt my feelings, I would have been the one that missed out on so much good stuff. I gained more, learned more, and all around, it just made my life better, to consider that someone may be having a bad day and letting them have their bad day without the need to take it personally.
I KNOW I am in the minority, so this is meant for Reallyneedsabreak and for me.
I know Ilene is always so right on, that I am thinking I am not even thinking of sensitivity, but maybe of something else??
I won't take over your post here but I felt I needed to offer an example of what people do to abuse. Some people are so creative in their tactics that I have to share something with the group here.
But before I do, I want to add that Gem and Reallyneedsabreak make an excellent point. When we see that we did nothing to initiate the abuse and that it has nothing to do with us, we are stronger and don't take it to heart.
I am an assertive person and not as sensitive as I used to be. I took assertiveness training and practice all that important learning. It is good to develop a strong skin and there have been times I needed to be reminded of that. I got awesome advice just the other day from the wonderful people here at DS on a work related issue. When we are strong, we do roll things off our backs. I call it "like water off a duck's ass" method.
but that doesn't mean we can take all that, it just means we have a different way of coping...........if there is such a thing as coping with abuse. I keep telling myself that he (my boss) has home life problems and I tell him to talk to me but not use an abusive tone with me. I also tell him I cannot be his staff and scapegoat too. He usually looks at me like a deer in headlights but that's his problem. I am taking a stand and he needs to change his behaviour. He also knows I will leave when I do find more work. He knows this and I have no problem leaving him behind.
There is no excuse for abuse. I have health issues and don't take them out on friends and or co-workers or anyone. So people know there are more intelligent ways to deal with problems and they need to address such issues with the appropriate counsellors. This is their responsibility, not ours.
But today he said there are things missing at the office. Things like the instruments he uses and he told me he had more items put away and he can't find them. So he yelled at me when we were alone and asked if I took them. Is he for real!?! Took what? Nail clippers or nail files? He is a podiatrist. What would I do with those items?! I don't use them anywhere. He looks after my foot care as a perk from the job, he does my feet so why would I take things home that I cannot use anywhere else.
His wife is also a podiatrist and she often comes in and takes things to her work place so she could have done that. She's taken things before and never said a word to him. he would ask me where this and that are and I told him his wife came and took books and other stuff from his clinic. He claims she never said a word to him about it and he said he would talk to her about it. It seems he never mentioned anything from before so now he wonders if she came and took stuff. So why blame me? Because I work there everyday? I don't need podiatrist supplies, his wife does. But he never talks to her about anything.
They live together so don't they talk to each other at home?! See what I mean by home life being bad. He claims his wife takes out her anger on him, so does he to me. What a cycle of transference.
I didn't mean to be long winded here but I just wanted to make a point. So I know it is not me. And you need to know it is not you and no you are not too sensitive here.
People need to realize they can get help for their problems not take them out on us the workers or family members.
It's them not you Daydreamy. It's them.
Hugs,
Linda :)
I spent moment to take inventry of myself. I do work hard, but I could even work harder. I am 1-5 mimits late most of time because of unavoidable situation. but I could come earlier the day I don't have to take my son to school. For taking up more hour is not going to work. My boss tells me that there are no work for me but she is doing me favor to keep me because I need a job. I mean she didn't say it exactly like that.
I wish happy holidays to all of you.
I spent moment to take inventry of myself. I do work hard, but I could even work harder. I am 1-5 mimits late most of time because of unavoidable situation. but I could come earlier the day I don't have to take my son to school. For taking up more hour is not going to work. My boss tells me that there are no work for me but she is doing me favor to keep me because I need a job. I mean she didn't say it exactly like that.
I wish happy holidays to all of you.