That's terrible. I've never had to deal with the anger BECAUSE of any illness, but I did get the ignoring still. My 1st and 3rd abusers were very passive aggressive and would ignore me a lot. So when I was sick, that's how they were. No food, no meds, no running to the store to get me something when I could barely move, no coming over to check on me, nothing. But if they were sick, I'd do everything for them.

That reminds me. Once, I woke up with vertigo. Never had it before, had absolutely no clue what was going on. I was just suddenly dizzy as all hell and couldn't even walk straight. Everything was spinning very fast. I called him and told him something was wrong with me. It was the weekend and he could have come over to be with me, but nope. He just told me to drink some gatorade. He didn't care at all and couldn't even remember to call to check on me. In fact, he had to set a timer to remember to call me cuz he wouldn't even think of me otherwise.

I never got that exactly..But its well known that they like to let you down and abandon you when you clearly need them the most?...

Letting you down has the effect of making you feel hurt, insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the their hands as they can then see their emotional control in action?.

Something I found about abusers:

'Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack.

An emotional abuser demonstrates very little empathy and little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person.

Especially when his own interests are at stake. Emotional abusers often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed ******* - there is no middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior when they are in self-absorbed ******* mode 'I was just doing something for me'. Or saying things like 'I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself'. However, that 'something' often winds up with him breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or involves him being condescending, rude, mean ignoring, nasty violent and painfully emotionally abusive.

Any sign of 'guilty' feelings or weakness in a partner can be like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior.'

Its likely because you couldn't need anyone more, than when you are sick?..

It happened to me when I was pregnant with child #4. I was 8 months and throwing up like crazy. The hospital decided to keep me overnight for observation to when I called home to let my husband know, there was a long sigh on the phone. My feelings was so hurt but it still took me another 10 years before I knew it was emotional abuse.

Sounds like my formor husband. 1 minute he's nice and w/in same second he abuseive. He always got what he wanted and there was H tp listen to if he didnt get what he wanted when he wanted what ever.

2nd yr we where married I sleep on sofa near bth rm because of painful mthly cramps w flooding. will I was sitting on the toliet and he came to door and demanded sex and he ment it. I politely exsplained that if I didnt feel better by 3pm I was going to Dr and hopefully into hospital. Did he hear my words above his wants and demands, No.
so to shut him up I removed something and threw it at him - it stuck to his forhead and yes I yelled and told him "cant you see that am on my period",LOL, " you can see that am on my f - period now,LOL.What a freaken Jerk.

I learnt to pre line up schedule w my friends to e mail me and/are im me and stop by at certain times to assis or check on me.

Another incident. I just had surg and inner & outter stitchs on my chest and under arms.
we owned and operated a sailing charter business and yep I was the Capt on 2 of 4 daily charters daily.

The day after my surg he caught me inbetween my friends being at my home and he carried me & put me in vav and carried me down the dock and in digny and took me to my boat and physically tied me to the helm and yep I ran 2 charters that day with his on board assistance and other than pain of having rip my inner suitures I have no memory of haveing sailed and work the charters that day.
The hospital had only released me from hospital because I had in home assistance and people lined up to assist me with my care. what a freaking #%* Jerk he is.
yep I had to have surgery again to correct the damage cause from him carrying me and placeing me on boat and makeing me work. Thank God I was so sedated and was on very strong pain medication, freaken F-#%&* Jerk.

I waited until 4am when there would be less traffic on road and he would be sound asleep and I over did pain med so I could drive myself to hospital. I couldnt bare the physically pain for another second.
Ya the following morning my sergon was tict that I had even gotten out of my recliner and jerk made me work.
Dam self serving freaken F- #&* he was and still is Mr Jerk to all woman - my formor.

Darn right I left him for 2 yrs but my family, friends and pastor talked me into going back to him, which was the 3rd bigest mistake I made concerning him.

If we lived closer together, I would check on you and yep you could call me in wee hrs for ice cream and/or ph chat.

Only regrett I have is not divorceing him when we where seprated and for having wasted my life on that shit face self serveing lieing ass.

I told him that the day I bought a pomeranian is the day I would devoice him and thats exactly what I did after he threaten to ki-l-l me and he ment it.
Even after he pulled a loaded gun and pointed it at my head,( he didn't know how to take the safty off nor that it was on ( I sure as heck wasnt going to tell him) he wanted to take me out to nice retraunt and for moon light walk on bch and out to club danceing. _ nice guy, right. he sent me 2 dozens of white roses ( white being my favorite) and bought me a hills gold ring that he stolled back and gave to 1 of his many girl friends.

Abuse always escolates ( spelling - sorry)
we do not half to endure nor put up with thier abuse. we should not assist them in abuseing ourselves.
The choise is yours not his nor options of others but yours.
I would love to have my 30tys back but I wasted those yrs of my age at that time on exesting instead of actually liveing life.

Abuse comes in many forms and always by way of bully who will only pick on woman and children never another man for they know that men will stomp thier butts into the ground and sue them.

Call on church members & friends to work out in home care assistance for you. screw what he wants and demands - do this for YOU.

The cold I had lasted 6 wks and I still have infection due to sinus infection that my Dr refused to treat. Thank God I had afew antibiotics left over from prior abses tooth.

Will start makeing those ph calls to put a health care schedule in place - its what we should do as part of takeing care of ourselves.

Take care and be good to yourself for youurself and for your friends and family and for us on DS.

Hi jojo ---

It's very simple.

We're not a person to them. We're an instrument that's supposed to serve and supply them. So when we're in any way compromised, physically or emotionally, that basically means that we're now UNAVAILABLE to fill the narcissist's needs ---- and that makes them angry.

i.w.

My abuser ignored me when I was sick and was especially hostile towards me. I figured out later on that this was because I had to take care of myself and had no time for him. When you are sick, the narcissist gets angry. How dare it be all about you and not them?

Take care of yourself and love and hugs to you.

Ya know, I get no sympathy when I am sick either. Actually, when I say I'm sick, it's like, oh you always say that when one of the kids are sick. Well, when the kids are sick, other ppl catch things, and I wouldn't say it just for the heck of it. No one wants to be sick.

I do think alot about growing older with him. With the lack of concern and sympathy when I'm sick, and he can be hard to live with. Doesn't seem to have concern for other ppl's weaknesses, what will it be like when I do get older and need someone there to understand and really enjoy life with. You don't need hassles when you are older. This is a time when you should be able to count on the person you are with, enjoy your life with little stress. I'm not sure that is possible with him. This worries me. Will he pull some stupid stunt to keep me in line, when at this older age, will just make me sick and I'll die from stress.

Absolutely YES!

My X always became emotionally abusive when I was sick or hurt. I worked as his assistant and he "needed me". He would yell at me and throw things when I wasn't well enough to work.

I had spinal fusion and was in the hospital for nearly a week. I was in a body brace and on heavy meds for nearly a month. One day I was running low on meds and asked him to pick some up while he was out and about. Six hours later, he had not yet returned and I was in terrible pain. I called to ask if he would be home soon. He came unglued, yelling and screaming at me over the phone! What a selfish JERK!

wow!! This IS more common than I thought. All your comments made sense to me. I am sorry if I brought back up those bad moments. I know I am more emotional when I am sick and so I remember those moments more than the screaming sometimes. I am not serving him and making him the center so he is angry. Makes perfect sense. Like a lot of you it took my friend to actually take me by the shoulders and say "you are being abused" for me to look into it.
Thanks again and God bless you all. Thanks for sharing painful memories.

Admiral....That is too funny that you threw that on his head....he deserved it.

Joely35...you made a very good point about living with this type of abuse as you grow older. Who is going to care for you? Who will care when you are on your death bed. Life is too short to live this way. You don't want to wake up and say "Man what a waste!"