I was just sitting here watching my son stick coins down his trouser leg and then suddenly got to thinking, is it me, am I the problem...? (I know they have nothing to do with each other but my mind just started to wonder)

All this emotional abuse started when we had our child who is 3 nearly 4. I got diagnosed with postnatal depression a couple of weeks after he was born, I was an absolute mess, I hated myself, I hated my child but I loved him, this thing that I was suddenly responsible for that I had no idea what I was doing, I mourned my old life, the father of my child left me day in day out and even got arrested at some point in the beginning. It was horrible, don't get me wrong I'm alot LOT better than what I used to be, but I still have my down/bad days where I wish I wasn't here. My son is the only thing that keeps me going most days, the absolute love of my life!

Anyway.. like I said, since our son was born and I got depression he also changed, he changed from the man that I loved into someone I didn't recognise anymore, the abuse was minor when it first started, and it was rare, pushing and shoving and telling me he's leaving me all the time knowing with the way that I was petrified of being with this little baby, grabbing me by the scruff of my clothes telling me to look at the mess i had become, but my mental illness must of been to much for him back then, I give him that, I couldn't cope with life back then. 

We then moved, fresh start. Our sons 1st birthday is when i would say it really started. I was moaning that I didnt have time to finish our sons birthday cake and asked if he could watch him for abit while I get it finished, and because I don't cope with stress well and I wanted this day to be PERFECT I was probably a bit shouty when I asked him. When it came to putting the cake in the he fridge for bits to set he flipped it out of my hand and it went everywhere and pretty much said "f your cake" so the cake was no more, he then grabbed me by the throat and said I'd ruined the day, that was the first of it.. a few days after we ended up having another argument because he was accusing me of sitting down not doing anything around the house, our usual arguments, but I'd had enough of it and said "you can't say anything, go out and get  job, at least I want to do something with my life, I'm thinking of going back to college,  (I did, but a year later). All you do is sit at home on your xbox all day". I remember clear as day he launched himself out of the chair and strangled me while I had our son in my arms. I called the police because I couldn't believe he'd actually done that to me, he left marks. He got arrested, was told to stay away from me, I was an absolute crying mess because I felt so guilty, his family made me feel guilty "oh he's in the cells at the moment"..... he wasn't, he was at his mums, they lied to me. I ended up dropping them charges for it all to be the same old poo basically.. I've wanted to call the police many times because he's grabbed me by the neck again, pushed me out my home and locked me out, pulled our child from my arms (he does this because he knows thats how he gets me, everytime we have a argument or he's hurt me he'll take him) but haven't because I'm scared of what his mum and sister would say/do, they say they wouldn't but they'd drag my name through the dirt.. 

I love it when he's gone out and it's just me and our son, I feel relaxed, I feel more happy and I can sleep at night knowing he isn't there trying to get me to have sex with him and kick me out of bed if I refuse and him making me feel like nothing until I let him, sometimes I do just so he'll leave me alone, this makes me feel used, dirty, violated. I've actually cried whilst having sex before because I've hated it so much.

He always tells me it's my fault why he's like this.. but is it? I don't know.. maybe I have some part to play in it..... I feel like ive just slagged him off and I'll probably end up feeling like I shouldn't have posted it. I don't know why I do that. I don't even know why I went as far back as when it first all started... I think I've got 3 years worth of stuff to get off my chest. Sorry.

That's it for now, vent over! 

Stay safe xx