Welcome to the group, altho I'm sorry that you have need to be here. imho, everything you described here isn't just about you being manipulated and controlled. What you describe is classic textbook abuse. This is NOT what love is.

If you have access to a women's shelter once you're back on land, please contact them immediately and have them help you create a SAFE plan to leave this guy. Sadly, it is quite rare that someone with this kind of behavior changes for the better. Please do NOT let him know you think you're being abused. He will deny it and turn the tables on you. And, do not let him know you're thinking about leaving. That's the most common time when verbal, emotional and mental abuse escalates to physical and/or sexual abuse. Just because he hasn't done this yet doesn't mean he won't when he thinks he is losing his "source.'

Also ask them to refer you to a therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse and trauma. No one deserves to be abused. None of what he does is your fault or your responsibility. Please take good care of yourself and stay safe! ~healing hugs~

Hon ----

You're not crazy.

This is absolutely
textbook abuse.

I'm on the run right
now and don't have
time to add anything
to MTC's excellent
response. I'll try to
expand my thoughts
later today, when I'm
back on-line.

Finally, please don't
be critical of yourself.
We can all try our best
but beating our self up
really doesn't help.

Sending hugs
and wishes for
clarity and healing.

Thank you for your replies. How do you guys know that I am not the abuser? Thats what I keep thinking all the time. What if I am doing something wrong and he is just... reacting to it?

The fact that you are asking if you're the one doing something wrong and he's just... reacting to it. It's hard to believe that someone who claims to love us could be or would purposely be abusive. But they are. Most are deeply wounded people, many with some sort of personality disorder. Unfortunately, abusers rarely want or accept help and unlike novels and movies, our love (or anything else we do for that matter) will cure them or even help them.

Do we do abusive things while in an abusive relationship? Mostly likely yes. in order to survive or as a trigger reaction, especially if we grew up in an abusive environment. BUT, the fact that you are here asking speaks a lot to the high probability that you are IN an abusive relationship as the object of the abuse and not the abuser. One way to answer your own question is to look at your other relationships outside of and away from the abuser. Do they mimic what you have with the abuser? Do you have the same demands for others that list mentioned here that your abuser has with you?

There are classic abusive behaviors which you described that your bf has. You can find those behaviors listed on most domestic violence (DV) help websites like this one. http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

This page on the same site offers info on what a healthy relationship would look like. http://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/

You have to scroll down a bit on each page to get to the info, but its there.

Also, Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship can be a real eye opener. She also has a website that touches on some of the things that are in her book. www.youarenotcrazy.com

Everyone does things that can be called abusive because we're all human. But someone who does them over and over again is an abuser.

It is not normal for someone to be jealous. Doesn't matter what either person does for a living.

Repeated abuse affects our thinking process. We begin to doubt ourselves, even what we see and hear. We can't think straight. We start believing the abuser over ourselves. We don't trust our own inner knowing (some call it gut instinct). The longer we stay with an abuser, the harder it is to leave and the longer it takes to heal. Even if they don't physically or sexually abuse, the mental emotional and spiritual abuse leaves very deep wounding & scars that will be triggered the longer we stay and/or even if we leave unless we get help from an appropriate source like a specially trained trauma release therapist.

When you are out to sea, just observe how your crew mates treat each other. See if you notice any differences in how they do or don't respect each others boundaries. Whether or not they trust each other to do the jobs they were trained for. Do they put each other down or build each other up? Do they apologize when they are wrong? When they do apologize, do they say more than just "sorry."

You can also observe people while on land as well.

Again, please do NOT tell him anything you are thinking or that you think he's abusive. He will only use it against you. He doesn't even want you close to his family. That might be because they know who he really is but are in denial. He doesn't want you close to anyone because he's afraid (subconsciously) that you'll find someone better and he will lose control. What you described in your OP is all about him having control over you.

What you asked in your comment question was, I suspect, a result of him saying you're the abuser which is a typical abuser tactic.

The best thing you can do right now is to educate yourself about abuse so you can see more clearly that chances are pretty darned good that you are in an abusive relationship. You can do this while also making a SAFE plan to leave with the help of a women's shelter or therapist. I would also suggest getting to an appropriate therapist asap because that will help you to see the situation more clearly and the therapist would also be able to teach you some coping skills as well as how to set and keep boundaries in ways that will keep you safe.

Abusers don't typically
wonder if they're the
abuser.

As you yourself wrote:

He never admits that he is wrong, if he ever apologized for anything it is a text saying "sorry" with no extra effort.


Further, shouting, swearing
and irrational jealousy are
all indicators of a serious
level of dysfunction.

Finally, it's already apparent
from your original post and
follow-up that you're
hyper-critical of
your own choices
and behavior.

I'm going to take a
not-so-wild guess
here that someone
in your family of origin
was very critical of you
as you were growing
up. If I'm right and
that's the case, then
you absorbed everything
they told you and may
have even kicked it up
to the next level.

Have you done any
reading on emotional
abuse?

Here are two places to start:

youarenotcrazy.com

and

emotionalheal.org


You've already begun
your healing journey.
Good for you.

Now, each step you
take will bring you
further along on
the path of recovery.

I think h.e.a.l. and I were writing at the same time. :-)

I was going thru a list of links for another thread and came across this one that not only applies to teens, even tho it seems to be made for them, but it also applies to anyone any age. It's a short video that says a lot. http://www.upworthy.com/if-youre-dating-someone-and-you-get-this-phone-call-run-dont-walk-away?c=ufb1

Guys I dont know how to thank you enough for these responses. Friends dont talk to me anymore because they said that they told me long time ago he is insane and it was my decision to still stay. They say the dont know what to say else so I am trying to cope with it on my own. Reading your replies helps me A LOT.
And I guess thats the toughest part for me, to NOT take any blame for anything since I am always looking for room to improve I know there are probably million things I could have done better. But I know he is probably NOT in tears thinking how he did me wrong and I am, so I guees that shows something too. I will definitely read the website and start moving on which seems so hard because I love him so much. I think the traumas from his childhood must have turned him into who he is today. But everything is exactly how you say, the one time I told him that he is bullying and abusing me, he mirrored it straightaway and all of the sudden started calling me an abuser.
I still need to give back a lot of his stuff and pick mine which I want to do thru his mom who was always a big friend of mine. One last question: I have been always hiding all of this from everyone. Is it a good idea to tell his Mom about what was happenning? Or should I just get the clothes and runaway?

It is extremely important that you keep yourself SAFE. Just because the abuser hasn't yet been violent doesn't mean it won't happen. THE most critical time where physical abuse (or worse) often happens) is when trying to leave.

So do NOT give him any advance notice. If you cannot talk w/the womens DV shelter in order to make a SAFE plan to get your stuff, then ONLY go when he is NOT there and isn't expected for a LONG time. No matter what, DO NOT GO ALONE. You need to bring someone with you, preferable a big strong man or even a police officer. Only get what you cannot replace. So if all you are getting is clothes, you might want to reconsider even trying to get them. You can always get more clothes at some point.

I would NOT tell his mother. She might tip him off (purposely or accidentally because she may be in denial about him). Its just not worth the risk, no matter how nice she may be.

I know it might seem like I'm being overly dramatic about this... But in your last comment you said your friends have stopped talking to you because they said a long time ago that he is insane. THAT is a huge red flag to me. Material possessions aren't worth possibly risking your life for. Better safe than sorry and better you think I'm being a drama queen than you end up getting hurt or worse!

The women's shelter should be able to help you create a plan to find a new safe place to stay. AFTER you've left (and you don't need to tell him you're leaving, you just go TOTAL NO CONTACT. That includes blocking him from your phone, email & all social media. It also means blocking anyone & everyone connected to him. You may need to change your identity on social media, email addresses and phone numbers, but again better safe that sorry. The women's shelter can help you with more suggestions to keep yourself safe. I would definitely keep a journal of everything he has done & is doing that you even remotely think is abusive. If he continues to try and contact you, you can report him to the police for stalking.

I urge you to get therapy with a trauma release therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse ASAP. S/he will also be an important and critical support resource for you during this time of leaving as well as after. It takes a lot longer to heal from an abusive relationship than it does with a 'normal' one. Weirdly enough, you will still grieve the loss of what you thought you had and that can also take longer. Be good to yourself and allow as much time to grieve and heal as you need.

Please keep us posted.

~healing hgus~

PS. as for looking for room to improve. We all have room for improvement. And most emotionally healthy people do look at their actions and try to do better. But that will come in therapy when you are focusing on YOU. That also takes a while. Please know that abuse is NEVER acceptable or justifiable. Even if you were the worst person in the world (which you aren't), that doesn't justify his behavior/abuse. NOTHING justifies abuse.

Glad MTC is here and
articulating the kind of
wisdom she just did,
here on this thread.

I agree.

Don't assume that his
mother wants to hear
what you have to share
about her son. Much
safer for you to share
what you have to say
about her son --- here.

Also, when I was in the
process of leaving my
former husband, I developed
and exercise for myself,
which I found helpful then
and which has since, helped
others ---- here on the forum
and in my practice.

It's called:

Ilene's Clarifying Index
Card exercise. I'll bump
it for you. It may help
you get a clearer picture
of the relationship.

For the record, it's not
a pros and cons type
of thing. We're not
looking for his positives
here.

It's an attempt to see the
extent of the negatives.

Doing that will help you
get a perspective on what
this guy was really like.

If you do nothing else. . . .

STAY SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!