It most certainly is okay. And it's natural to feel furious at someone who has wronged you so deeply. Many people reach that stage at some point, although neither is it wrong to never feel it if it doesn't come to you. Feelings are yours and they are always allowed.

Anger has propelled me out of some dangerous and damaging situations too, as you say it has for you, and I'm grateful for it for that. It's an important emotion that tells us when our boundaries are being or have been breached. If we didn't feel anger, we would not be able to protect and get ourselves to safety.

As for forgiveness, that too is a personal choice. That's all I really feel comfortable saying about it at the present moment, but it is totally down to you - this was and is YOUR life and experience.

Just my thoughts :) Hugs xxx

Forgot to add that I too took care of my abusers in similar situations to those you describe, but if I wanted them to recognise on their own that I was or looked unwell and needed something, I could forget it - I looked after myself. In many cases I even went out to buy my own medicine while sick. It was either that or provoke a narcissistic rage in a lazy sod because I "dared" ask them to do something that contravened their own plans.

Oh my goodness yes, your anger is healthy and justified.

There is definitely
a time and place
for anger. I think
you have the bead
on this. Anger is
an appropriate
reaction to being
victimized. It helps
propel a victim out
of abuse and toward
recovery.

Once safe, we need
to process the emotional
residue. Once that's done,
then we're well along.

Forgiveness has to be
organic. It cannot be
mandated, or forced.
We can arrive at it
naturally, once we've
done all the work.
It's like a beautiful
flower. It may come
if recovery has been
nurtured. If it doesn't
come, then there's a
place that's almost
as good. That's
complete neutrality. . . .
not being furious but
also not being
actually forgiving.
The closest I can
explain it is something
like apathy. It's a perfectly
fine place to land.

Forgiveness is great
but ---- in my opinion,
which runs counter
to some ----- NOT
necessary to keep
moving toward recovery.

Just my two cents. . . . .

Well, I have to say you went above and beyond what an individual should have to endure. Being angry at first is much healthier than being sad, or feeling shame and guilt when you have nothing to feel shame and guilt for. However, after you are done being angry, it's time to forgive. It's not necessarily forgiving him, but forgiving the circumstances. Here are a couple of good quotes that I hope you will like. Hugs GB

1. Today, I close the door to my past, open the door to my future, take a deep breath and step through to a new life. Author Unknown

2. Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, anger, shame, guilt, but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them. Iyannlia Vanzan

Hugs GB

You are going through the natural process of processing what happens in abuse. I know it feels horrendous, but you are actually doing well, you are doing what you need to be doing to heal (counseling REALLY does help in ways I can't begin to explain, so not to discourage you from seeking it out).

All kinds of people can become victims of abuse. Because abusers are master manipulators. Abusers DO exploit people's finer qualities to gain control over them. It is one of the most upsetting things to me, seeing survivors look at their best qualities of kindness, nurturing, trust, optimism and becoming ashamed of them, feeling like they are weaknesses because they were taken advantage of by abusers with no conscience. Survivors beliefs in their ability to show these characteristics and not be taken advantage of becomes shattered, and they engage in second guessing and uncertainty in how to behave towards anyone. Things that used to be easy are now hard when it comes to connecting to the human race. It breaks my heart and makes me furious towards abusers.

YOU do not ever have to be sorry for venting, you have every right to tell your story-these horrible things HAPPENED to you, you should never be expected to pretend like they didn't for anyone else's benefit. You don't have to rewrite your history because someone doesn't want their nice cushy rose colored view of the world to be intruded on. That is invalidating you as a person, because this experience is part of who you are, it's effected you. Tell us all about it, please, it validates our experiences too.

Anger, as has been so rightly pointed out by other posters and you yourself , is part of the healing process. Have you ever wondered why human beings even have emotions? They all have a purpose. They provide information and motivations. Anger does exactly what you said it does-it lets you know you feel like someone is doing something hurtful, and it provides motivation to deal with the situation. Of course, that is a bit simplistic, but ultimately true. Right now the important thing is to process it, get it out in a safe way.

I happen to agree with Rockin and Ilene when it comes to forgiveness. It is part of the healing process for many, and it can't be forced or rushed. it is for the benefit for the survivor, it is NOT for the benefit of the abuser and forgiveness does not excuse what the abuser did. It's only there so that the survivor can let go of negative emotions which are draining and allows them to focus on themselves. It's just a word. It can be comforting and provide additional peace to many who place a high value on it. I also believe, it is not necessary for healing, neutrality is fine as paint. I have not forgiven my abuser yet. Some day I might, or then again I might not. But I know that either way I'm no where close to forgiveness right now because I still get angry, anxious, confused, triggered-I haven't done all the work yet to be able to forgive, even if I wanted to. I won't beat myself up over that-because this healing journey is about ME not him.

yes, yes, & yes, anger is one part of the healing process. There are many emotional steps in the grieving process and I mistakenly thought once I got through each step, I was done with that for good. Not so, I have gone back & forth between steps so if you get past anger and come upon it again, know that's it just part of it. If you allow yourself to feel the different emotions and work through each of them, you will find you don't hang onto the anger too long.

Personally, we lived around his anger, that was the main (toxic) emotion in the house so it is one we continuously deal with and work through. It's such a negative learned behavior. I also did some of the things you described in caring for my ex & any illness or discomfort I had was usually dismissed by him. Sending you hugs & keeping you in my prayers

I think it is great you feel angry. I have been trying to feel that one but it is still hard for me. I like that Rockin also said neither is it wrong not to feel it if it never comes to you. I guess all of these emotions will come when they will.
A friend of mine also says the opposite of love is indifference. I think that is interesting.

Anger is better than sad guilty and ashamed.

You have good reason to be angry.

If you bottle up the emotion it will just come back stronger.

You can feel it, but you don't have to act on it.

I feel angry often and I find that the more I feel it, the less it has the ability to control me.

Yes, the anger phase is perfectly normal.

If you feel like you need to let off some steam, you should try going for a walk around a local lake, or even exercising at a gym. I find that helps keep my mind fresh, and allows me to exert some of the extra energy. :)

OH wow I feel the same anger and resentment as you! Your not alone I'll tell you that. I do notice since I'm not with him I have peace of mind though. I do think about things a lot and either feel angry or sad or cry. But yes anger is part of the healing process i think.
I have no idea how long it will take to get over it all if ever.