Not, I am SO sorry... and for what it's worth, I'm here.

I have not read the Nice Girl material, but I have read a book like it about being a people-pleaser in general.

I too met my husband when I was 20. He was 23. He had never had a really long relationship before either... but he talked about having done things that were suspect (to my ears) to other girls. Only thing was, they never lived with him and married him. They saw the adverts; I got the full deal.

Given what you have told us about your husband, I would say he is the full deal too. And I don't think someone who takes advantage of another person's niceness for the significant portion of a marriage is someone worth being with. Just look at it for a moment: you're nice, so he uses it to his advantage instead of treating you with respect and being nice BACK. Seem fair? Not really :(

Work on yourself for sure, if that is something you feel you need, but your level of assertiveness (or not) is not a free pass for him to abuse you! Or for anyone to abuse anyone!

I'm sorry, this must be so hard, seeing your life turned upside down...but your personality never 'made' him abuse you. That choice was always his to make. He just kept making it.

Sending big hugs your way xxx

I agree with RB. Yes, I think most of us can do with working on assertiveness and boundaries. Because our lack of them makes it easier for predators to hurt us, not because those things mean good people will hurt us.

A slow antelope won't be taken by a zebra, because a zebra isn't a predator. Do the work on yourself to protect yourself from predators, but don't make the mistake of thinking your lack of boundaries turned a zebra into a lion. You didn't make him who he is, you didn't make him be abusive. He chose that for himself.

You both offer up such good insight. I love the antelope analogy. Funny thing is I think to myself IF I Ever hurt him and treated him like this and he tried to tell me I would really stop and listen to what he was saying and look into myself. I would want to know if my behavior was being hurtful.

I do feel like I've grown sappy and weak. I'm enjoying the book. And I do want to work on myself.

Thanks for being here :)

You are not sappy or weak. Not at all. Not even a teeny bit. Nor are you pathetic.

You are a nice person who has had that used against her for years.

And you have also nailed the reason your lack of boundaries isn't the reason he did what he did - because if he were a good person who just "fell into a pattern" because of what you (and apparently he) perceive as your character flaws, then he would have stopped and tried to make amends when he realised he was hurting you. But really, you wouldn't even do that. If you meet someone who is nice, who appears willing to please etc, do you start taking advantage of that and running them ragged? Of course not - because you are not a predator.

Sorry, Not, I wanted to reply to this yesterday, but didn't have a chance. I agree with what the others have said. Yes, you and your husband slipped into a pattern, but if he were not an abuser, it would not have happened. It's easy to blame yourself for not having stronger boundaries or whatever, but probably you wouldn't have gotten together with him in the first place with boundaries in place. I know my exH would never have found me acceptable to marry if I hadn't been so giving and undemanding. And, also importantly, both of you learning and growing might be able to get the relationship onto a more fair and equitable footing, except that he will not do any learning and growing. He likes things the way they are.

I just wanted to send my support your way. I know how raw those feelings are when your family is coming apart. You mourn the family you dreamed of and especially the father that your kids deserve. It's heartbreaking no matter how you look at it.

Hon -----

LOVE YOURSELF.

Not one among us
lives a life free of
imperfection. It's
the nature of being
human.

We live as we live.
We grow as we grow.

Loving yourself exactly
as you are at this moment,
will help you grow. Growing
will help you heal. So. . . .
as the buzzwords assure us. . . .
it's all good.

Don't beat yourself up.
Love yourself and you'll
move in the direction
of healing and growth.

Please take good care!

you need a hug , i know how you feel i did not know what to do after my devoirce of 20 year old . im sorry you have to go threw this .
as hard as it is it might be new start , i felt the way you did but, once i knew he was truly gone i felt relief hang in there hon

I completely understand how you feel, my husband and I live in seperated households but before his new relationship I would allow him to be with our children in our home, now he just takes them out for the day..the first time I felt so sick, afraid and totally empty. The second time was better because I decided I would have my main supporter there with me. Everyone says to take care of yourself during these times...but that is a very hard thing to do. I tried very hard to remain calm and not think of my girls away. I had lunch with my mom ( who is actually the only source of support I have) I went shopping. Of course I didn't feel like doing any of those things....but I did make myself. Next visit I believe I will make sure I have a councilling session..as all I feel like doing when my children are with their dad is discussing the hurt and emptiness I feel. It's almost like abandonment. I can tell you through my experience that it does get better over time. I'm working through this one too...my heart goes out to you
*big hugs*

Thank you all so much for your support. It helped me to get thru the last 29 hours.

The girls were SO excited to see me today. Ran and hugged me. told me all about their time with grandma and their cousins. They looked happy and I felt relief inside.

My little one is very clingy wanting me to hold her. Ive got dinner in the over already so I can spend some good quality time with them.

In the meantime - this morning I slept in, lounged in pjs w coffee reading my self help books. I think I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and again for lunch :)

We did have an incident when they were on their way home. Husband was stopping by Build A Bear and texted me if I wanted to come. I said I cant because I'm working. (I work from home)

He then called and asked again - He said, oh, you can't come out and meet us for a little bit?

I snapped back - No - Im working.

He said - all innocently: ok don't get mad. Y are you mad at me? What did I say? I just asked.

I was incensed! I said to him - stop talking! The girls can hear you and I sound like the bad guy who chooses not to come meet you AND am getting angry at you! We hung up and I went ballistic. Crying, screaming, banging doors - He gets me SO aggravated.

I wonder -
A - is he that CLUELESS and says stuff without realizing that he looks like Father of the Year and I look like a mean, selfish, nasty mom to the kids and him?

B - he's so manipulative and conniving and knows exactly what he's saying??

Either way - HE looks super and I look mean.

He comes home trying to talk and smooth things over. I was just paying attention to the girls. Then took him downstairs to let him know I was mad at what he did - yet again - in front of the girls.

He assured me he told our oldest I was mad bc I couldn't come meet them bc I had too much work to do. SIGH...it's exhausting.

Min and Decision - I'm sorry for what you're going through - I'll be thinking of you :) It's great you have support as well.

Thank you for the encouragement.

He knows. It's deliberate. You need to work on not reacting, it's the only way to slow him down. I KNOW how hard that is, believe me - my ex was (and still is) an expert at pushing buttons until he gets the reaction he wants. Tell him once what you want to tell him, then don't answer the phone - apologise later, casually "oh yeah, sorry, as I said I was busy working and didn't get a chance to call you back - what was it you wanted?" Then he's more on the back foot. If he has a go at you for not calling back, look at him all puzzled and say "so ... what was it you called about?" By all means punch a pillow in frustration when he's gone, but don't let HIM see the anger and frustration.

Sorry it's so hard.