Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone recently posed the following question
along with several others. It's a good question,
and I wanted to share what I said to her:
Is it possible that an abuser is "made?"
Yes. Except in cases of genuine mental illness (which are really much less frequent than current statistics would suggest ---- and also some physiological convolutions, such as traumatic brain injury or some forms of autism like Aspergers Syndrome, which can impact the ability to read social cues and interact appropriately) ----- abusers are created by emotional injury (a term Ive coined and am beginning to use more and more frequently).
Most abusers have suffered or have witnessed, some kind of abuse or trauma, sometime early in his or her life. Abuse can include abandonment, neglect including emotional neglect as well as emotional/verbal battery and of course physical and sexual abuse.
To repeat, because it gets less focus, generally, emotional injury can and often does occur when a child witnesses any of the above, even if the child is not the direct target.
There are instances where a person is born genetically damaged and will be predisposed to be pathologically anti-social, or psychopathic. Apart from these relatively rare instances, (as I understand the dynamics), abusers are created by environment and circumstances. Sometimes, even when there's a genetic predisposition, an environment in which a child can develop in a very healthy, integrated way may over-ride the genetic vulnerability. Obviously, we're never going to hear about this happy circumstance. When there's a genetic predisposition to pathology, and the environment is neutral, the genetic directive will likely play out. And when there's a genetic proclivity and environmental dysfunction, continued dysfunction is pretty much a certainty and with unusual intensity.
When there's no genetic mental illness, but an environment of dysfunction, we'll typically see the garden variety of abuse and dysfunction, as a result of what I call, "emotional injury."
This is my conceptual perspective.
along with several others. It's a good question,
and I wanted to share what I said to her:
Is it possible that an abuser is "made?"
Yes. Except in cases of genuine mental illness (which are really much less frequent than current statistics would suggest ---- and also some physiological convolutions, such as traumatic brain injury or some forms of autism like Aspergers Syndrome, which can impact the ability to read social cues and interact appropriately) ----- abusers are created by emotional injury (a term Ive coined and am beginning to use more and more frequently).
Most abusers have suffered or have witnessed, some kind of abuse or trauma, sometime early in his or her life. Abuse can include abandonment, neglect including emotional neglect as well as emotional/verbal battery and of course physical and sexual abuse.
To repeat, because it gets less focus, generally, emotional injury can and often does occur when a child witnesses any of the above, even if the child is not the direct target.
There are instances where a person is born genetically damaged and will be predisposed to be pathologically anti-social, or psychopathic. Apart from these relatively rare instances, (as I understand the dynamics), abusers are created by environment and circumstances. Sometimes, even when there's a genetic predisposition, an environment in which a child can develop in a very healthy, integrated way may over-ride the genetic vulnerability. Obviously, we're never going to hear about this happy circumstance. When there's a genetic predisposition to pathology, and the environment is neutral, the genetic directive will likely play out. And when there's a genetic proclivity and environmental dysfunction, continued dysfunction is pretty much a certainty and with unusual intensity.
When there's no genetic mental illness, but an environment of dysfunction, we'll typically see the garden variety of abuse and dysfunction, as a result of what I call, "emotional injury."
This is my conceptual perspective.
Or, is that hopeless? At least while still IN a relationship with one..?
I TOTALLY AGREE that once we're an adult and realize our actions are hurtful that it's our responsibility to change for the better.
The problem is that though an abuser may reach chronological adulthood, the severity of their emotional injury may not allow them to be able to RECOGNIZE the hurtful nature of their actions and to REALIZE that this isn't acceptable. So. . . . . as well all know . . . . most never even get REMOTELY close to "wanting" to change.
Whether an abuser's psyche can be repaired, and if so ---- how much ------ is not an easy answer. And even the very few who express that they "want" to, ultimately, may or may not be able to ---- again ----- depending on the severity of the emotional injury.
And so ---- xxLiving. . . ----- whether an abuser can recover enough to become non-abusive. . . . . . . . . a handful of physical abusers have been able to become non-PHYSICALLY abusive. In general, these abusers shift from being overtly physically to emphatically emotionally abusive.
Tom B. aka Ihman
Every once in a couple million abusively dysfunctional people, there is one who has enough of the thousand things needed, to achieve some recovery.
I have a client who grew up within massive dysfunction. He was abused by his father and went on to be abusive towards his siblings and not long into his adulthood, sank into persistent alcoholism, playing with guns, being abusive to his female partners, spending time in jail . . . . the whole deal.
But he had something inside that brought him back. He got clean and sober in his early thirties and found his way back to a life he never even knew was possible because he'd never seen it in action.
This man is an excpetion. I'd love to say that any abuser who "wanted to" could do it. But first of all, most abusers have absolutely NO INTEREST in "wanting" to even try. Second, among
the very few who genuinely do, most of those won't be able to. Think of it this way: When an orthopedist goes to make a joint repair, there has to be some viable tissue upon which to install the new, artificial joint. Same with emotional injury. For an abuser to repair and recover to the point that he or she does a one eighty and doesn't abuse anymore, there has to be some shred of something healthy in the injured psyche. It's tough, but most abusers don't have enough of anything healthy left inside to make the repairs.
The kind of transformation that my client has made from his shattered youth is virtually miraculous. And he has enough motivation to go on working (with me and other resources), even though he's come so very far ----- on continuing towards health, wholeness and on-going recovery.
This is NOT typical.
Is it possible? Sure.
But I'm afraid the odds are slim to none. If I wanted to get rich, I'd bet AGAINST an abuser recovering, every time. The number of times I'd be wrong wouldn't leave a dent in my every-expanding purse.
This is not happy news for the sad, loving, loyal victims hanging onto a scintilla of hope. Tragically, they will waste their youth and ultimately their lives, if they don't have their lives stolen, first. Ultimately, their children will be victims of the system and repeat the cycle.
Some people only give their apologies to get themselves out of sticky situations. Others feel genuinely remorseful for a time, then slip back into old learned behaviours. There are those who do not feel any remorse whatsoever. Then there are the people, who are in the distinct minority. They are the ones who are truly sick of the games. They are not satisfied with saying theyve changed, they want to change because this desire comes from their very core.
How do you know if someone has changed? It takes a whole lot of observation over time. Have you educated yourself and gained information about abuse, and how to identify it, from reliable sources? Is the other person gaining knowledge from an expert in the field and putting that knowledge into practice consistently? Are they congruent? Do their actions match their words over time and in all areas of their day to day life? Its an interesting subject, with so many variables. So, much so, it takes a whole lot of education, time, and effort to become fully aware and conversant with what is going on in our day-to-day lives and the world around us.
Emotional injuries takes place in the emotional or limbic center. This is the part of the brain that's totally active from birth, on. What gets imprinted here, goes in early and goes in deep.
When an individual is hurt early in life, it's natural to want to "get back at" the person or persons who hurt you. There's a part of the brain that's actually wired to get a hit of pleasure when we can avenge a wrong done to us. This began as an evolutionary tool to ensure the survival of the individual.
Usually, as a kid, we can't really get back at a care giver. So, going forward, the person who's hurt as a kid who tends towards being aggressive rather than withdrawing, that person will go on attempting to "get even," regardless of who it is that gets the payback for the person having been hurt by someone else, long ago.
And since the part of the brain that lights up and gives the abuser a charge when the abuser achieves "revenge," (you know . . . . . SWEET revenge). . . . . the charge feels so good ----- much like any other addiction ----- the abuser isn't very motivated to give it up.
And after all ----- emotional abuse is so hard to identify and so easy to slither away from. . . . . the abuser realizes that of all the ways to hurt someone, emotional abuse is the easiest to get away with.
Finishing that thought remember, that this behavior pattern lives in a really primal part of the brain. It's not the "thinking" (part of) the brain ----- it's the FEELING brain. THAT'S why so few emotional abusers are able to extinguish emotionally abusive behavior patterns.