I can remember having a big "fight" and then him wanting sexual intercourse. The first couple years I viewed it as "make up sex" Then I did it just to get the fight over, and start the crazy cycle of abuse again.

After awhile I refused.. this is when he would wait until I was sleeping and do "it" anyways, never violently- but still against my will.

I think this is a hard subject, because women often mistake sex for love- I was 18 when this started, so of course I confused the 2.

Then there were times I just wanted to be held, even if it was only for a few minutes, and it was not out of endearment. Wow, yes, this topic brings up a lot of old feelings.

With time I felt repulsed by him- but in my mind, I was like.. oh no you can't be feeling/thinking like that he is your husband... The truth is he was my abuser...
This is a tough issue, but a very familiar one for many I am sure.

amexdm, I am new here too. Here's looking at a good week.
take care. Leah

amex,

It is a very tough issue. Speaking from a woman's point of view, I know that intimacy with an abuser is kind of like taking the sickness into your soul. It is very damaging.

It depends, of course, upon the level and type of abuse. If it is sexual abuse--shaming, cheating--intimacy with that person will drive the shame and hurt deeper into your being.

Have you considered leaving? It seems that the situation is affecting you deeply.

I wish better things for you.
Kris

Ive been having a rough marriage for the last 3 years - we're married 18 years now.

Since October, I've completely shut down inside, contacted an attorney and he's reluctantly agreed to sleep downstairs.

I put the divorce on hold in January, bc he promised to change. I just cannot even have him kiss me or rub my back without feeling all tense and uncomfortable.

I just cant have intimacy if I don't feel an emotional connection - and absolutely cant have sex.

It's normal they say. Go with your gut and what your body /feelings are telling you. If you're tense and uncomfortable around her, that's a sign.

Awww, thanks so much ladies. You are all correct. Nice to meet you Leah, I'm trying to have a good week. Yes Kris, I think we are both considering leaving. A matter of time I think. Notmy-that is it. I cant have intimacy without an emotional connection. It's not in my soil. And I did forget to mention that when she touches or kisses me i feel very uncomfortable, can't kind find the right words. She is picking up on this and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Uggggh just feel terrible. Thats why Im here. Such a tough issue. Please more responses, this is helping!

Amexdm

It's crazy right? I too feel bad for telling him I don't have feelings for him in that way anymore. It took me a long time to actually get up the courage to say that to him. I feel guilty, and worry about his feelings.

I just keep asking for more space and time so I can work on myself and build up my self esteem and spirt that got crushed over the last few years - and he finally agreed to IC for himself to work on his issues - but he's finding it very hard to give me the space and time I need.

It's a cycle. I'm at the point where I'm realizing that we may not get past all of this and I may not find my way "back to him". Its very emotionally distressing.

Are you in IC? That could certainly help you to talk through your feelings and begin to feel better about yourself. Take care of YOU.

Stick around - you're not alone here.
Hugs,

It is very emotionally distressing. It cuts at the core of your soul. I thought I was dperessed BEFORE, but now this is just ridiculous.
I have been in IC before. A year ago. She was DV specialist for men. She was very helpful. I have reached out to her again but she has not returned several messages. May look in to MC as IC but trying to find a good one can be hard and I dint want to sepnd a lot of money trting to find a good one.
She asked me last nite if I wasnt attracted to her anymore and I said no thats not it. I didnt want to hurt her and she doesnt need to hear that.. I am physically attracted to her but her abuse has been too long and too much. She sometimes touches me down there and I nearly jump. Something is wrong. But sex isnt everything either. I just cant find any good answers otther than to take care of myself for now.

The intimate part of my abusive relationship is nearly the only part that works for me. I initiate a lot because the remainder of the relationship leaves me feeling lonely and disrespected. When we have sex there is no judgement, no name-calling, no angry yelling, and no disrespect. It is the only part of the relationship where I feel valued or cared for, and I know that isn't healthy.

You have certainly brought up an important topic. It is difficult to reject someone that you love, even if they are abusive. There have been so many times, I've said to myself "that's it-there is no way I could even think about sleeping with him again after this." Yet, that's where it always ends up, because I don't want to reject him and I want to feel valued, loved, and have some intimacy. Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, but it certainly becomes much more important when the marriage is lacking intimacy in other areas.

I hope all good things for you, and pray you and your partner will fid some answers. I'm sorry if my comment doesn't help much, but sometimes it is good just to know that other people struggle with similar issues.

Well, I can relate. I'm in a similar situation, and facing similar internal struggles. Some times I feel like I am "faking it" or "doing my duty". I'm afraid of hurting her feelings, and some days I feel if I can just do the sex thing for now, the feelings will return in time.

I've been with my girlfriend just over a year. The first two months were awesome, the next 6 pretty much hell. She abused me emotionally and physically while I struggled to maintain a sense of self through the confusion of what was going on. Some of that abuse was in the form of sexual insults that left me feeling vulnerable, humiliated, ashamed, and manipulated.

She did seek serious counseling, and since then the abuse has lessened considerably. Sure, there is still low level abuse, but not the blatant disrespect of before. My problem is, I still have those memories that I can't let go of, and I am starting to worry if I ever will. And it does affect my enjoyment of sex and intimacy. But I also don't want to shut down on her because she has made improvements. On the flip side, I feel much closer to her as a friend the past few months, and I am deriving much more happiness from just sitting on the sofa with her and watching TV or a movie and going places with her. I feel I would much rather sit and cuddle than more intimate activities.

I think what would ultimately help me is if she and I could get to a point of stability, where I no longer fear her rage, and have a discussion about how much her previous actions hurt me and how I am having a hard time letting go. If she could recognize the extent that she hurt me and apologize, I think I could let go easier. But I don't think she is in that place, yet.

I can relate to the not wanting to be intimate thing. It's so hard to have sex with someone who is so cold hearted. It turns you off so much that you physically arent attracted anymore.

Im sorry youre going through this. My exs mom treats her husband the same way, and its very sad because he does everything for her.

You dont deserve to be abused Martin. Obviously you've tried to make things work, but when the other side isnt cooperating, that can be tough:\

I made the mistake of trying to after having not for months and months. It was a completely misguided thing. I've never really had a concern about emotions in sex before but now it just feels wrong. horrible and disgusting and my husband keeps pushing. he continually makes comments about it.
i sincerely hope you get your situation worked out. this draggin on like it is is ridiculous.