Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Need to get my mind around this one.
One of my wife's things that drives me bananas now (that I've learned to recognize it) is this: When we are in a group setting, if I am having a conversation with anyone - particularly anyone I'm related to or female - and she will come up and either join the conversation, slowly physically turning the conversation until I am standing, staring at her back, or else she will simply step directly between me and the other person with her back to me. Within a couple of seconds, the conversation invariably turns to encouragement and reassurance of her.
I see an element of shunning - subtly stating that I am beneath notice, inconsequential. It's no wonder that I reached a point of actually asking people if I was, in fact, visible.
I see an element of isolation. My every conversation had to be with her, she could end my conversations (something I'm already not much good at) with a tiny effort, and anyone who dared offer me support would quickly find themselves offering it to her, instead.
I see an element of gaslighting. It's very subtle, and opens itself up to rebuttals of 'are you sure you aren't imagining it' and everyone's favorite 'you're just too sensitive.' It's nearly impossible to point out to other people, and it's actually completely plausible that she may be doing it without doing it intentionally.
But long term, unconsious exposure to it... devastating.
One of my wife's things that drives me bananas now (that I've learned to recognize it) is this: When we are in a group setting, if I am having a conversation with anyone - particularly anyone I'm related to or female - and she will come up and either join the conversation, slowly physically turning the conversation until I am standing, staring at her back, or else she will simply step directly between me and the other person with her back to me. Within a couple of seconds, the conversation invariably turns to encouragement and reassurance of her.
I see an element of shunning - subtly stating that I am beneath notice, inconsequential. It's no wonder that I reached a point of actually asking people if I was, in fact, visible.
I see an element of isolation. My every conversation had to be with her, she could end my conversations (something I'm already not much good at) with a tiny effort, and anyone who dared offer me support would quickly find themselves offering it to her, instead.
I see an element of gaslighting. It's very subtle, and opens itself up to rebuttals of 'are you sure you aren't imagining it' and everyone's favorite 'you're just too sensitive.' It's nearly impossible to point out to other people, and it's actually completely plausible that she may be doing it without doing it intentionally.
But long term, unconsious exposure to it... devastating.
I haven't experienced it quite like this (yet) probably because she is so depressed and insecure we don't have too many common social settings. But, I do know that if I go out, or talk about friends or co-workers (male or female) she seems to get irritated. Not as much as she used to, but I distinctly remember times where I would be talking about a friend, family member, or co-worker, and her trying to interject to make her opinion known, or change the subject.
I'm pretty sure she is jealous that I have friends and people like me and want to talk to me. Actually, she admits to this jealousy.
I know she is jealous that other women find me attractive. Actually, she thinks all other women find me attractive.
I know she is jealous that I go out with friends and have a good time. She is jealous that I am able to do that and she is miserable, and she is jealous that I am having a good time with people other than her. The latter fits into her BPD abandonment fears. If I am having a good time with someone other than her, it means I am going to leave her.
I'm guessing the same is true for your wife. It's an irrational thought process. She's (consciously or subconsciously) trying to make sure she is a part of everything you do and every relationship you have so that you don't leave her, either physically or emotionally.
Is she a narcissist? Regardless this is selfish behavior. What I am learning to do with my N husband is to take this into account. I take it personally (well obviously) but the N is all about himself first. There are things he does that aren't as much about putting me down but doing whatever he can to first get his N supply. In your case I wonder if it is possible that she feels very threatened by your ability to relate to others and enjoy friendships. Your ABILITY draws awareness to her lack so in that moment she faces injury. In attempt to regain control she is just using these people to reestablish that she is important. Her need to feel important trumps her need to put you down bc she only puts you down when she feels threatened emotionally in her environment. Regardless it is still very painful.
If she directly interrupts you, you might try adding (when her sentence is through) "as I was saying..." which draws attention to her interruption. Or possibly, "Excuse me, I was just about finished with what I was saying..." Asking her in a group setting what she thinks about what you just said would also force her to talk about you and point out if she wasn't paying attention.
When she invades your personal space you could say , "oh, excuse me". Again pointing out that you are aware what she's doing and calling attention to it in a non-shaming way. If she persists to the point you two are doing a waltz then maybe just give her a big hug from behind and say, "wow you must really want to be close to me tonight!" Pretty sure that wouldn't come very naturally however. :-)
Sorry that she keeps pooing on your shoes. You have given all of us helpful insight and I have found you to be very intelligent. You're valued here!
And I can still see how it works. I'd say jealousy too, but I'd add some anger and a bit of entitlement to the interpretation as well.
It looks like she is not exactly sabotaging your happy interactions for herself; but is claiming the ATTENTION you are getting from that person, for herself. As if to say, "He's not the important victimised one here; I AM! Look at me!"
Am I making any sense? In my own situation, I was too beaten down very quickly to even attempt many interactions outside of him, and I only went out with him, and with his friends, His MO was facilitating dependence mixed with some nasty invalidation: "I'm the only one you need. I'm the only one who loves you. Which friends have you got?"
So although I don't have much experience of the actual behaviour... it just sounds angry and entitled as well as jealous to me, idk.