Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Is insecurty one of the results of emotional abuse? Because I felt insecure all the time with my abuser. The stonewalling, withdrawing, abandoning, and silent treatment left me out in the cold alone so much of the time. He constantly withdrew once he got me back then i would feel very insecure and think a lot of crazy thoughts about why he would be doing that to me. He acted like he did nothing wrong. You know even had me questioning myself because trust must be built but in that relationship it never was because of his abandoning for every issue. He pretended he wanted to change, say he loved me, can't live without me but that is exactly what he would do when he got me back. How unfair and tormenting all that was. I wonder so much are all his behaviors because I was insecure or was my insecurity due to the abuse? Maybe I just need to know it is normal how those tactics would affect most people the way it did me. Has anyone gone through that? Or did my insecurities cause it?
When I think about how I was in the beginning I see how I became attached and then ignored. Felt used a lot of the time because they only time spent with him was sex visits. Then when I wanted it to be more than that he really didn't want more when I think of his actions. I think he was just fine to see me for sex and the days went by then he would want to see me again. That whole relationship I feel I was used and not given a second thought. He would then pretend he cared, have sex, then get mad if I talked about my feelings then leave me again. Not talk to me for days or weeks. I can't count the times he left without a word. I was constantly being abandoned. How is it that I felt it but he didn't? I totally don't understand that. I could never feel secure with him or any man like him. I don't think anyone would, would they?
When I think about how I was in the beginning I see how I became attached and then ignored. Felt used a lot of the time because they only time spent with him was sex visits. Then when I wanted it to be more than that he really didn't want more when I think of his actions. I think he was just fine to see me for sex and the days went by then he would want to see me again. That whole relationship I feel I was used and not given a second thought. He would then pretend he cared, have sex, then get mad if I talked about my feelings then leave me again. Not talk to me for days or weeks. I can't count the times he left without a word. I was constantly being abandoned. How is it that I felt it but he didn't? I totally don't understand that. I could never feel secure with him or any man like him. I don't think anyone would, would they?
NNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Possibly, he pursued you because
he detected your insecurities and
felt that those insecurities would
make it easy for him to mistreat
you and have you second-guess
yourself instead of calling him out
and being on your way.
""""""""""""""""""""""" I could never feel secure with him or any man like him."""""""""""""""""""""""""""
No one Could feel secure
with an abuser.
Your insecurities did NOT
cause this guy to mistreat you.
He mistreated you because
he was an _________ (fill
in the blank).
Please LOVE yourself
and take good care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went thru something similar...although we were married and living in the same house. If he didn't like something he would stonewall me until I felt so much hurt I couldn't take it. Then "browsing" the dating sites and being with another woman threw my insecurities all over the place. (and you have seen him and what he looks like) He had no reason to make me insecure except to keep me trying harder to please him.
And sex? It was just that...sex. My obligation for him on dating sites and expecting me to take care of his every need. I could throw up at the thought of even kissing him now. BARF.
You remember the night he left his razor in the shower with all his little hair droppings (sorry to those this offends)...I was going out that night with friends. I drove all the way there and then right back home sobbing. I felt fat...ugly...and like no one would ever want me. The insecurities he kicked up in me was horrible.
I don't feel that way anymore. Not since I decided to take care of myself. I think you are doing the same.
We cant feel secure with men/people like that. We are not meant to. I feel for me...I have knowledge now which gives me power to direct my life where I want it to go. I am slowly getting to know myself and what it is I really want. Instead of looking for someone like him to fulfill me...I am looking to do it myself. When I get to a better place with healthy boundaries and a healed soul...I will find someone who will enhance my life...or better yet...he will find me.
You will be in the same place. Keep doing what you are doing. You are so much stronger then you think.
I totally agree with what the other ladies said.
I just want to congratulate you for sticking with no contact and letting him go!!!!!!
You should have a much happier life without him!!!
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
You can't "cause" another person's behaviour, good or bad. Your insecurities did not "cause" him to treat you badly. If he were a genuine and loving person who actually cared at all about someone outside himself, he would have seen your insecurities and done all he could to eradicate them, rather than doing all he could to make them worse.
"How is it that I felt it but he didn't?" He didn't feel it because he was doing precisely as he pleased and not giving a thought or a care to your feelings or how you must have felt. He liked that you were insecure, as Ilene said. He used and increased your insecurities, to keep the focus off his bad behaviour, to keep you questioning yourself and your "faults".
It was NOT your fault. You did not "make" him do anything at all - he made his own choices, and one of those choices was to abuse you. His fault, not yours.
You are not to blame, but thes men seek out their victims...I doubt you would take this kind of behavior from someone now. You've grown. He hasn't.
I think you felt feelings for him because you are a loving and kind person, with the ability to care about others. Perhaps he can't..maybe he does things only for his own gain.
thanks for posting this.... I like this one....it strikes a chord with me for sure!.
I too think you are strong willed and finding more security within yourself. After all the INsecurity they put us through, it can make us doubt ourselves in all our reality.
You are doing better than you realize my friend. :)
Abusers always act like nothing happend. Of course it didn't, not to them. It happened to us and they want us to belive it is all our fault, that we caused it and then we should forget it all.
Yeah whatever. My ex would say something like that.
Hang in there and as long as you come here you will get better and better. Big hugs to you Radrm