Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
my spouse is the adult Survivor of childhood abuse every type of abuse imaginable. he is a very challenged adult to say the least. he tries his hardest to fail at everything if something is going well he will sabotage it I can't get him to go to counseling. we've been married for 21 years our children are grown and gone the last one left and wants nothing to do with us anymore because of him. I haven't talked to my own daughter and nearly a year. he always thinks everybody is out to get him including myself.I'm so exhausted from dealing with thishow can I help him? he now says there's nothing left of us and is trying to end the marriage. he's over the edge right now because he's out of town working and he's just sure I'm home entertaining sailors LOL which of course couldn't be farther from the truth but because it bothers him so much he would rather push away the whole relationship then take a chance on having to deal with what frightens him the most. I have been a loyal and faithful wife for 21 years why would I change suddenly this is who I am but he can't see it through his fears and anxieties. I'm sure I do the wrong thing because I get angry and frustrated with this Behavior but what else should I do what can actually be helpful? any advice is much appreciated
I would worry less about his words and more about his ACTIONS.
In the 21 years has he ever mentioned breaking up the marriage? Or is this something new?
Ignore his crazy talk of you "entertaining sailors" Go about your business as usual. If he really wants to leave, let him take all the action to make that happen, remain calm and be and do you very best so he will have no ammunition to point to.. in other words, don't let his crazy talk make you take stupid actions, Know what I mean?
Try some positive, productive stress relief like exercise or a hobby.
I would also call my daughter to connect!
Good Luck!
If so, he sounds like classic borderline personality. Which is definitely treatable...of course he'd need to go get treatment.
In any case, go to counseling yourself. Find someone experienced with borderline and explain that you want to work on your relationship with your husband.
As for your kids, if they're still in contact with you at all, work on having a relationship with them separate from your husband. This may drive your husband marginally more nuts... Oh well, so be it. There are a few things more important than him. BUT he won't see that. So do NOT tell him what I just said. But do see your kids if you can.
If this behavior is new...the first stop is the doctor's office. Give the office a head's up about the behavior issues. They'll look for all sorts of things like severe vitamin deficiencies, electrolytes, Huntington's disease, even a bladder infection, and so on....
The ONLY person you can change is YOU. Nothing you do will help him.
So please focus on yourself. It might help to get counseling and/or attend CoDa support group meetings. Both will help you focus on you, teach you coping skills and how to set and keep healthy boundaries. It also helps to practice extreme self-care.
He hasn't changed in 21 years. So, the question is: how much more of your precious time and energy do you want to spend doing the same things the same way and feeling like you do?
Please take good care of yourself.
~healing hugs~
How we form connections with other people as adults is largely influenced by what we learn about relationships while growing up. There is even a field of psychology/sociology focused on studying this in children and adults. The subject is known as "attatchment styles", and deals with how we learn to develop bonds with other people. It starts off with childhood attachment styles, which are the culmination of all of one's experiences with those closest to them in childhood (typically parents and family). Over time this attachment style develops into an adult attachment style, which functions as one's working model for relationships as an adult.
It is possible to find out what your attachment style is through certain tests, and I find that knowing what your attachment style is and how it affects you can help relieve some of the frustration/anxiety it can cause.
Depending on the measurement system used there are 3-4 styles of attachment (one system adds a fourth style and changes the name of two styles slightly). Personally, I feel the system that includes four styles of attachment is more accurate and explains things much better.
Here is a link to the digital version of the latter measuring system, which was originally published in a journal of psychology. The site offers two options, but you really only need to use survey option B for this.
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Once you complete the survey it will tell you what attachment style you are and give a brief explanation of what it means.
I suggest having your husband take this test in order to find out for sure what his attachment style is. Once he sees that his is not a healthy one he may be more open to getting help.
I also recommend reading up on adult attachment styles (especially whichever one your husband has). Unhealthy attatchment styles ARE treatable, but it really helps to have a partner who understands at least the basics of attatchment styles.
Keep in mind though that attatchment styles are related to how the brain develops during childhood. An abusive childhood tends to result in unhealthy attatchment styles, which is highly likely in your husband's case.
daughter has distanced
herself because of the
family dynamic.
The first thing I'd do
would be to reach
out to her. She may
not reconnect on your
first attempt. But if you're
gentle and persistent,
it may help. Don't ask
her to come to visit
both of you. Just you.
Or ask if you can go
visit her.
In regards to your marriage:
Find a qualified counselor
whose specialty is recovery
from a dysfunctional intimate
relationship --- for YOURSELF.
His unfounded jealousy
may seem silly on the surface.
But when a partner accuses his
partner of infidelity, with no
grounds ----- as yours is -----
there are likely serious
issues festering within
his psyche. I'm guessing
that he could be suffering
from some level of depression.
I'm also guessing that he's
not particularly open to
getting treatment. Has
the suggestion of his
going to counseling
ever come up? If you
go to individual counseling,
maybe it would be an
opportunity of suggesting
that he do so, also.
I also have a hunch
that he is NOT serious
about ending the
marriage. If I'm
wrong and he is,
then that's what
he'll do. But I
really doubt that
that's what he wants.
Anyway, I urge YOU
to find a good therapist
and begin to give yourself
some support.
On to the topic of
SELF-CARE:
I totally agree that
making sure you're
getting exercise would
benefit you. Also make
sure you're eating well
and getting restorative
rest. Taking good care
of yourself is essential
to optimizing your
well-being.
You've raised a family
and now you're entitled
to enjoy every day of the
life you have ahead.
You can't control what
your husband does ----
only what you do.
One last thing, two questions:
Has your husband ever
threatened you in any
way, regarding his
perceptions of infidelity?
If so, this would concern
me greatly, in regards
to your safely.
Also, has he ever
talked about ending
his life? If he has,
this would also
concern me for
the safety of
BOTH of you.
This:
804.377.0335
is the number for
your state's women's
resources.
Please call them.
There are people
there who may be
able to provide you
all kinds of additional
support.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days ahead.
Thanks for the update!
You sound so much better.
Wow. Your abuse-free life awaits.
Your husband is not a demon
but in serious need of psychological
treatment. If he chooses not to get
it, his life will continue in the current
direction. Sad for everyone but most
of all, for him.
You relinquished property to be
free and clear of his dysfunction.
Obviously, you have a vision of a
better life and you're on your way
to manifesting it.
Keep up the good work.
Sending you hugs and
wishes for happiness
and well-being.