Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well, God has answered my unspoken prayer. As I have told you I have been feeling guilty lately because my ex calls with the pre-tense of talking about the kids but reels me in with his woes of his personal life.
He called me Monday night to tell me how he is feeling better with his depression but then started talking about our failed relationship and for the first time I stood up to him and told him how amazing it was that when I am not told what to do and treated like a 3 year old how much I actually want to do things. A lot more was said and neither of us were happy by the end of the call.......
Well..... He called me this morning (for a crap reason of course), but ultimately got to how what I said the other night really bothered him because he feels like I have shifted all the blame to him and how he doesn't like how I can't see that it was my fault because I didn't meet his needs which is why he treated me like he did. Said he didn't understand why I just didn't do what he wanted........ He told me that all I ever did was become defensive whenever something I didn't like was said to me. I said "NO..... REALLY????, I wonder why?". He said "I don't know". I said "Could it possibly be that all you ever did was tell me I was fat, needed to lose weight, I didn't do anything, made me feel like I was not good enough, etc. etc. etc., so I always felt like i had to defend myself constantly."
I was really mad and couldn't help but say the following to him.....
"I never said I was innocent and knew enough to start therapy ON MY OWN and I am still in therapy by the way, you on the other hand don't think there is anything wrong with you which is why #1 you stopped therapy & #2 you couldn't even follow through with the marriage counselors exercise beyond 2 days!!!!"
He responded with "Well..... About marriage counseling it seemed so one sided...." I said "YES, and if you remember the marriage counselor said and I quote "Your wife is VERY depressed and the first two weeks you are going to have to build her up and make her feel your love and it is going to feel like it is one sided but you have to do it".
We went back and forth and I got angrier and angrier and finally brought myself back to this board and all of your replies and said, "There is no reason to fight, this is why we are divorced, we just don't get along and are not good for each other, so with that said to keep things civil we ONLY need to talk about the KIDS and nothing else!" He said very unconvincingly "ok"..... We will see how long it lasts, if I were a betting woman, I would say 2 days.
I realize that he is contacting me more now since his girlfriend left him and if he still had her or someone else I would be last on his list.
Trying to stay strong and trying to keep with my plan of NOT talking to him about anything but the kids. This is soooo exhausting!
He called me Monday night to tell me how he is feeling better with his depression but then started talking about our failed relationship and for the first time I stood up to him and told him how amazing it was that when I am not told what to do and treated like a 3 year old how much I actually want to do things. A lot more was said and neither of us were happy by the end of the call.......
Well..... He called me this morning (for a crap reason of course), but ultimately got to how what I said the other night really bothered him because he feels like I have shifted all the blame to him and how he doesn't like how I can't see that it was my fault because I didn't meet his needs which is why he treated me like he did. Said he didn't understand why I just didn't do what he wanted........ He told me that all I ever did was become defensive whenever something I didn't like was said to me. I said "NO..... REALLY????, I wonder why?". He said "I don't know". I said "Could it possibly be that all you ever did was tell me I was fat, needed to lose weight, I didn't do anything, made me feel like I was not good enough, etc. etc. etc., so I always felt like i had to defend myself constantly."
I was really mad and couldn't help but say the following to him.....
"I never said I was innocent and knew enough to start therapy ON MY OWN and I am still in therapy by the way, you on the other hand don't think there is anything wrong with you which is why #1 you stopped therapy & #2 you couldn't even follow through with the marriage counselors exercise beyond 2 days!!!!"
He responded with "Well..... About marriage counseling it seemed so one sided...." I said "YES, and if you remember the marriage counselor said and I quote "Your wife is VERY depressed and the first two weeks you are going to have to build her up and make her feel your love and it is going to feel like it is one sided but you have to do it".
We went back and forth and I got angrier and angrier and finally brought myself back to this board and all of your replies and said, "There is no reason to fight, this is why we are divorced, we just don't get along and are not good for each other, so with that said to keep things civil we ONLY need to talk about the KIDS and nothing else!" He said very unconvincingly "ok"..... We will see how long it lasts, if I were a betting woman, I would say 2 days.
I realize that he is contacting me more now since his girlfriend left him and if he still had her or someone else I would be last on his list.
Trying to stay strong and trying to keep with my plan of NOT talking to him about anything but the kids. This is soooo exhausting!
Many of the things he said are familiar to me too. My husband left his counsellor after 2 sessions as well - because he thought she was 'judging' him after she said, "Aren't refuges for women who have been abused?" when he told her that I had been in one. On the one hand, typical self-centred idiot. On the other, go her!! Hit him right in the face with the truth! And of course he did not like it one bit. The session she said that in was his last session with her.
None of them want or can take the truth. EVER. Which is why they always act like they cannot understand why the world is so horrible to them, and make out like it was someone else's fault. They are narcissists. And you cannot reason with a narcissist.
You are absolutely right: if he had another source of supply and ego stroking, he would not be calling. And that is HIS shame, not yours. His new gf has probably hurt his ego already, which is why she is "off the team" so suddenly. He is treating you both the same - i.e badly. They do this to all women, whether they are wives, gfs, exes, even daughters! My dad was the exact same type as my hubby. And he has not spoken to me in years except when he has wanted to guilt me into something. So I responded in kind, only without the guilting part. He got the message eventually after a lot of blanking from me. Now we never see or hear from each other - bliss!!
The best you can do is not even answer the phone when he calls. Switch it off as soon as it rings and you know it's him. Pull the jack out! He'll soon get bored...
Hugs and good thoughts in the meantime xx
"Pick up the kids on Saturday at 10. Thanks, (name)"
Good luck! xx
Rockin said everything I wanted to say. I agree 110%.
He is such a selfish *ss that is totally incapable of seeing anybody else's side at all. It is a total waste of breath to try and talk to him at all. I would totally cut him out. I would do the email like Rockin says, but if it is an emergency let him leave a message. That would keep his calls short.
I really wish you luck, and please no more guilty feelings. If you EVER feel the tiniest bit guilty, please go back and read, print or copy at least some of your earlier posts. If you are feeling guilty, you need to be reminded what he put you through. Put those posts somewhere you can easily read them.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
On a side note, I lost my own bet..... He called me yesterday afternoon to talk about how he flat out asked his ex gf why she didn't like him and what happened.... As if the non responses from her were not clue enough, wasn't enough for him, he had to have control and know why! Well he got his answer and I blew smoke up his bum by telling him yup, I believe that she not only now has her son full time but also is still in love with her ex...... (uh huh...... sure, a line of crock to me, but hey not my business!)
Priceless, LOL...