Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi and hello again..
I have a long time friend who i have known since being very young.. its one of those relationships where we can go without talking for years and as soon as we pick the phone up its like we talked yesterday... shes very dear to me... but i didnt know her relationship was so bad too..
Okay there was a few signs but at the time i saw them i was dealing with my own stuff so i suppose i didnt ' see ' them..
Shes the same age as me - 52 - 2 grown up boys ... i had girls..
Shes been married for 31 years.. and during that time she has tried to leave about 5 times.
She has only just started opening up to me about this and im doing this for her because shes at the end of her tether with everything now... shes not got access to a computer , and its not because shes not allowed one... she just didnt choose to get one and also she did if she did she was afraid of her husband finding out about this..
Anyway... her present situation is this -
shes told me her sex life / intimacy stopped all of a sudden about 12 years ago.. and she cannot get him to connect with her that whatsoever..
When she tries to talk to him about it he gets defensive and starts losing his temper..changes the subject... tells her this has been talked about and thats it etc...ignores her...starts bringing up the past... what SHE did... wont accept that what HE did might play a part in this also... if she carries on trying to get an answer out of him he totally loses it and starts being extremley aggressive.
She feels this is the part that she needs to stop because of the way his face changes..
She says she feels that if she were to carry on he might lash out.
She wanted to renew her vows on her 3oth but he dismissed it laughing at her.
He doesnt buy her birthday presents because he says he buys her things throughout the year and that should be enough.
She wants to decorate her bedroom and kitchen but he wont accept what wallpaper she has chosen even though she does everything in the house... she basically is his skivvy... he expects breakfast off her every morning at 9... and if she does happen to go out she has to be back to make his tea at 5 otherwise he goes mad.
He never cooks her for at all.
He has just bought a new car... in his name.. put her name on the insurance but shes only allowed to use it when he says and if she wants to use it at any other time she has to put petrol in... what with i dont know because he doesnt give her money.
But what is really bothering her is - she has found her voice and she has started to speak up for herself.
He doesnt like this.. although he says otherwise.. his actions when she does leaves a lot to be desired.
He son has asked her to go away with him and his family.. as he knows she needs a break.
She mentioned this to him.. telling he she really wants to go... he started giving all sorts of excuses where money is concerned etc... he would end up paying for it and she ' cant ' afford to go etc...and then he told her her - THATS IF HE LETS HER... i said to her thats total control... its your life and your allowed to do things on your own... anyway she pursued the conversation and this is whats eating at her... when she told him she really wanted to go .. he started dragging up the past... her past... what she had done to him...which is a lot less than what hes done to her... he started talking about how many times she lefts him... and that he should ' just dissappear' so everyone will be okay !!!...
Shes told me that EVERY single time she has a NORMAL day to day conversation with him about the things that she wants to do he threatens to leave...??
What can i tell her about this whole relationship... i want to help her... please advise... she doesnt want her life to mean nothing but she cant see a way out as shes only been with him.... thank you xx
I have a long time friend who i have known since being very young.. its one of those relationships where we can go without talking for years and as soon as we pick the phone up its like we talked yesterday... shes very dear to me... but i didnt know her relationship was so bad too..
Okay there was a few signs but at the time i saw them i was dealing with my own stuff so i suppose i didnt ' see ' them..
Shes the same age as me - 52 - 2 grown up boys ... i had girls..
Shes been married for 31 years.. and during that time she has tried to leave about 5 times.
She has only just started opening up to me about this and im doing this for her because shes at the end of her tether with everything now... shes not got access to a computer , and its not because shes not allowed one... she just didnt choose to get one and also she did if she did she was afraid of her husband finding out about this..
Anyway... her present situation is this -
shes told me her sex life / intimacy stopped all of a sudden about 12 years ago.. and she cannot get him to connect with her that whatsoever..
When she tries to talk to him about it he gets defensive and starts losing his temper..changes the subject... tells her this has been talked about and thats it etc...ignores her...starts bringing up the past... what SHE did... wont accept that what HE did might play a part in this also... if she carries on trying to get an answer out of him he totally loses it and starts being extremley aggressive.
She feels this is the part that she needs to stop because of the way his face changes..
She says she feels that if she were to carry on he might lash out.
She wanted to renew her vows on her 3oth but he dismissed it laughing at her.
He doesnt buy her birthday presents because he says he buys her things throughout the year and that should be enough.
She wants to decorate her bedroom and kitchen but he wont accept what wallpaper she has chosen even though she does everything in the house... she basically is his skivvy... he expects breakfast off her every morning at 9... and if she does happen to go out she has to be back to make his tea at 5 otherwise he goes mad.
He never cooks her for at all.
He has just bought a new car... in his name.. put her name on the insurance but shes only allowed to use it when he says and if she wants to use it at any other time she has to put petrol in... what with i dont know because he doesnt give her money.
But what is really bothering her is - she has found her voice and she has started to speak up for herself.
He doesnt like this.. although he says otherwise.. his actions when she does leaves a lot to be desired.
He son has asked her to go away with him and his family.. as he knows she needs a break.
She mentioned this to him.. telling he she really wants to go... he started giving all sorts of excuses where money is concerned etc... he would end up paying for it and she ' cant ' afford to go etc...and then he told her her - THATS IF HE LETS HER... i said to her thats total control... its your life and your allowed to do things on your own... anyway she pursued the conversation and this is whats eating at her... when she told him she really wanted to go .. he started dragging up the past... her past... what she had done to him...which is a lot less than what hes done to her... he started talking about how many times she lefts him... and that he should ' just dissappear' so everyone will be okay !!!...
Shes told me that EVERY single time she has a NORMAL day to day conversation with him about the things that she wants to do he threatens to leave...??
What can i tell her about this whole relationship... i want to help her... please advise... she doesnt want her life to mean nothing but she cant see a way out as shes only been with him.... thank you xx
shes not allowed to use the washing machine... he does all the washing but only 2 days a week... if she uses it in between he goes mad...
Maybe it's time for her to make a plan to get the heck out of there. What is she still hanging around for? The retirement? The equity in the house? For me, I am strong enough to get myself to A) Women's shelter and B) Divorce lawyer. Not necessarily in that order. If she is trying to get away, she needs to do it carefully. He is just the kind of guy that could turn violent when he learns she is really leaving him. The process needs to be carefully planned, and executed. It may be her only chance to get away, if she fails, she could be in great peril or he may attempt to be even more controlling and/or abusive.
She has been married long enough to be entitled to half of the mutual assets, (including the new car, whether her name is on the title or not.) Divorce in this case would be freedom from oppression, control and abuse. I would think a relief. But she needs help and a well thought out plan.
but I'd have to advise
her to NOT stand up
for herself.
Standing up to a
controlling abuser
can be DANGEROUS.
It is NOT advisable.
If she wants a life
she needs to
plan an ESCAPE.
I wish for her
SAFETY and
clarity.
I don't think you should be posting here for her. This is her story to tell, not yours.
As a friend, I'd just remind her of her options. But that's all you can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink.
If this is too upsetting for you, I'd suggest going onto the codependency board.
Hugs.
While I agree that your friend will need to be the one to make a definitive step to help herself, I respect you for being concerned and for asking for advice for a friend. Many times when I have consulted with friends, they have refused to listen or downplayed what I was experiencing. It is rare to find someone willing to listen and understand about emotional and verbal abuse.
Also, you say that she cannot post for herself because she does not own a computer and she is afraid he might find out. Since he is so controlling, he probably would check her history, etc.
Do you have a womens' shelter where she could go and talk to someone about what she has been experiencing without him knowing about it?