Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I wish so bad I never had to speak to him EVER again. I mean, no call, no text, no email, NOTHING! Unfortunately because of my kids I have to have limited contact with him. The conversations are getting less and less and he has not called me which is good, but I have the kids this week so he doesn't have a "reason" to call.
It is funny how it is still all about him and I see it now so clearly but yet it makes me feel guilty.
I refinanced my car in order to get him removed from it (the bank would not just remove him) and he had to sign papers to release his name from the paperwork. I called him and asked if either he could stop by or I could stop by his place for him to sign the papers, he said yes but went on to talk about how he doesn't understand why he has no motivation for anything, doesn't care about anything, etc. etc. (basically depression) which he has had forever in my mind.
His girlfriend has not called him or contacted him in a week and I can tell now he is sad about it........ When we talked last week I told him he should go onto an online dating site (He has no clue I know that is how he met his girlfriend and how he talks to other girls). He didn't say anything about doing that. I got the impression he is just trying to make me feel bad.
I have not said anything since but the guilt is weighing on my. What guilt? I reallly dont' know. I don't know why I feel guilty but I really do. I feel like I am responsible for his unhappiness even though in the back of my mind I know I am not. I have made several comments to him that he should see a counselor to help him feel better and he has done nothing about it.
He goes on with his life and I am sure when he is around everyone else has a good time but plays the "woe's me" when he talks to me, even if it is just about the kids he has this depressed mood but deep down I feel like it is a game but it isn't. I don't know. Just confused..... =( Not enough for me to ever go back to him, but enough that I just feel guilty that his unhappiness is my fault.
I don't know if what I said makes sense. Don't know what to do.
It is funny how it is still all about him and I see it now so clearly but yet it makes me feel guilty.
I refinanced my car in order to get him removed from it (the bank would not just remove him) and he had to sign papers to release his name from the paperwork. I called him and asked if either he could stop by or I could stop by his place for him to sign the papers, he said yes but went on to talk about how he doesn't understand why he has no motivation for anything, doesn't care about anything, etc. etc. (basically depression) which he has had forever in my mind.
His girlfriend has not called him or contacted him in a week and I can tell now he is sad about it........ When we talked last week I told him he should go onto an online dating site (He has no clue I know that is how he met his girlfriend and how he talks to other girls). He didn't say anything about doing that. I got the impression he is just trying to make me feel bad.
I have not said anything since but the guilt is weighing on my. What guilt? I reallly dont' know. I don't know why I feel guilty but I really do. I feel like I am responsible for his unhappiness even though in the back of my mind I know I am not. I have made several comments to him that he should see a counselor to help him feel better and he has done nothing about it.
He goes on with his life and I am sure when he is around everyone else has a good time but plays the "woe's me" when he talks to me, even if it is just about the kids he has this depressed mood but deep down I feel like it is a game but it isn't. I don't know. Just confused..... =( Not enough for me to ever go back to him, but enough that I just feel guilty that his unhappiness is my fault.
I don't know if what I said makes sense. Don't know what to do.
I'm sorry you're feeling
anything but good.
Forgive me if you've
shared the answers
to this already, but. . . .
[1] Are you already engaged
in therapy? If not, would you
consider looking into that?
[2] Have you done my
Clarifying Index Card exercis?
If not, would you consider
possibly trying that? It may
help with your feelings of
guilt.
[3] There are divorced co-parenting
couples who communicate ONLY
through emails and texts, and
ONLY about co-parenting issues.
Could you at least limit your
communication with him to
matters around co-parenting?
Please take good care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Thank you!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Last night my wife started crying. She told me she had no idea why. I understand that. But the guilt... The need to say something, to do something, to be gentle, to submit... it feels like wandering too far out into the ocean, where the waves are battering you, lifting you, and whirling you around. And you're scrabbling to keep your feet beneath you. So much simpler to relent, let the waves carry you where they will. Resisting is exhausting. Correct, but exhausting.
You can implement boundaries and then maintain them. It's VERY hard, when both of you have so much history of you not being allowed boundaries. You really have to train both of you in this, because he will NOT do his part, he will never make any attempt to respect whatever boundaries you set. Not fair, but that's the way it is.
No more talking to him about anything but the kids. Make the boundary nice and clear and tell him you will hang up or not respond if there is anything that is not to do with the kids. And then do it.
The other thing to do for you, whenever you notice a "tone" or a "mood" even when it IS about the kids, is to tell yourself over and over that his moods are no longer (never really were, but now not at all) your responsibility. His moods are now his problem. His healing is his business - whether he chooses to do so or not. If he's unhappy, well he needs to figure out how to find happiness. Just as you've had to do.
You're not responsible for him. Keep reminding yourself - it will help with the guilt.
The others offer great insight so I do not have much to add. I love what lousark said too, and completely agree.
Also IIene mentioned how some divorced co-parenting couples only communicate by email and texts. That is what my sister & her ex have been doing for some time, and it's really helped her in moving on. She's even in a healthy, new relationship.
Please try your best to focus on you-not him. Detaching is essential for getting on with your life, and you will be so glad you did!
I wish you could go NC also, hun... That always seems to be the hardest part when we are forced to have communication with someone we despise... If we did not have to talk to them, it would make the healing so much easier. (I have not been strong enough to stand my own in my emotionally abusive marriage, but under other circumstances have to communicate with a man I truly hate.) Unfortunately we can not discontinue some idiots' roles in our lives... But we can discontinue the control they have over us, it just takes time and strength... Continue doing Ilene's index cards, continue talking to professionals, and by all means, continue talking to US! We are here for you and always will be. When you start to feel guilty for HIS mistakes... Just think, do you think HE feels any kind of guilt? The answer is most likely not... Hopefully that will at least make an attempt at questioning "wait, if he does not feel guilty, why should I?"
Best of luck hun... You helped me through some tough moments... Always know we are here for you!
I am trying to take it one day at a time. It is really hard to take the first step to tell him NO, but I know I have to. I am not a mean spirited person and to think I am hurting someone no matter how bad they hurt me makes me feel horrible. If I could just be a bitch then I would have a better time with it, but the fact that our kids are so young I would hate for him to take it out on them or use them in any way, I would rather take the brunt of it and suffer then them.
I can already tell my kids cling to me. My son told me the other day that my ex saved all the pics of me and put them in his draw next to his bed to keep them safe...... Put a knife in my heart why don't you...... My son is only 9 and I will never talk bad about his dad, but both he and his sister don't even want to go to their dads house, not because it is unsafe or he abuses them, I don't know what it is to be honest. My 3 year old told me the other night that she wanted to stay at my house always because she loves me so much. Breaks my heart... =(
Because of this I find I am less likely to "stir the pot" for my kids sake.