I survived 20 years of that life. Even lost a pregnancy because of the abuse.

You do whatever you have to do. I started making a plan. I had to think about how to support myself and where to go.

My son was 18 before I got away, DON'T DO WHAT I DID!!

When he hurts you, tell the police, go to a neighbor, grab your child as soon as you have a moment and get away!! Go to a shelter, go to a family member, go to a friend, go where ever you can!!!

Don't spend 20 years and end up like me. Broken, PTSD, dissociative, unable to bond with other people or feel connected to them and DON'T LET YOUR CHILD BECOME THAT WAY!!

The cops, a hospital social worker, a local health clinic, all of them will help you make an escape plan. Do it!

Survive however you have to. Bide your time and make your plan.

Don't wait until your child is 18 and a neighbor finally calls the police because of your screams of terror in the middle of the night.

Don't wait....please...I wouldn't wish what I am fighting against, even after therapy...on anyone.

One more thing....make sure you don't leave anything on your computer, if it's a home computer, that will let him know what you are doing!

As you read on my post a couple days ago, I still struggle sometimes with remembering that he is the emotional abuser and it's not me. Sure, I'm not perfect and sometimes could have done things better, communicating or whatever, but when it boils down to it, the relationship can not work when there is abuse involved. It was 10 years of me trying to figure out what was wrong and why things never got better until my friend loaned me "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" book. Wow, what an eye opener! I got into counseling and started reading more. I became strong enough to call my h on some of the stuff he was doing and he hated it. He hated it so much he moved out and we've been separated for 4.5 months.

When I was in it, day to day, I dealt by journaling, talking to trusted friends and family, going to counseling, and trying to take care of myself through exercise, or just sitting out in the sun reading a book. And telling myself that this wasn't going to last forever, I would find peace in my life again, and working toward that.

Once you realize that he's not going to change and that the environment is toxic for you and the kids, finding a way out of it is the only way. It can take some time, putting all the pieces into place. I keep reminding myself that my home is so much more peaceful now. I get lonely and it can be hard, but the toxic energy is mostly gone now. I'm not walking on eggshells like I was and I know it will continue to look up from here.

You can't live with an abuser. He will suck the life right out of you and always blame you for it. They are experts and denial and manipulation. There is no reasoning with them because they don't recognize a world outside themselves. It's the most extreme form of selfishness. The only way to live is to remove him from your life. It won't get any better. Only worse.

The best course of action is to leave with your kids, no matter what he says to you, go to a shelter for temporary help, or to a friend or family member, and get back on your feet. Whatever you do, if you leave don't go back, because if you do, sometimes the "Law" or the "courts" will view you as condoning his behavior, I heard of one mother who lost her custody battle, she'd left once with the sons and then went back, then he beat her again (of course) she left, and the courts awarded custody to the father -go figure!

I am currently preparing to leave, but it's going to take a while for a lot of reasons. So I am in the position of trying to cope with it.

The best thing to realize is that there is NOTHING you can say to him. You are not going to win an argument, and you are not going to be able to stop the abuse or make him feel ashamed. If you hit a nerve, he'll probably just escalate.

So remind yourself, 100 times a day, that it is not your fault. His behavior is NOT your responsibility, and has nothing to do with your actions. If you were Betty Crocker, Donna Reed, and Angelina Jolie all wrapped up into one, he would be behaving exactly the same way.

I listen to empowering music. I don't know what you like, but I personally spend a lot of time listening to Le Tigre, but you might also want to try artists like Amy Ray or Ani Difranco. It can help you feel tough.

And as someone else said, take care of yourself. Take the time to read a book; get some exercise; talk with friends. Do all of the healthy things you can to make yourself feel good, since you aren't getting any emotional support from your husband.

Best of luck to you.

All Thumbs UP! to the above replies:

Just keep your head to yourself. Don't let him know that you are smarter than he is. But, then carry out your masterminded plan, right beneath his very own eyes. Secrecy is keen.

I survived, and still do, by knowing that every time he does something, I know he's wrong and, if he has a heart, it's in the wrong place.

Remember that you have two feet, and though he may shake you, you are firmly grounded. RB

It took me 17 years to leave. There were no children, Thank God.

I never really made a plan to leave...I literally just walked out one day. I wasn't quite prepared for his reaction. He shot at me, and then he tried to have me committed to a hospital on a mental hold.

Because I didn't plan it, I left with only my pets and the clothing I was wearing.

In my anxiousness to get far away, I went right into the arms of another person...who was also dominant and controlling, but not abusive.

During the marriage I coped by withdrawing and internalizing. I focused on tasks and schedules and getting through each chore, day, week, etc. I really didn't have friends of my own or family that was close by.

I don't have advice for you other than to formulate your plan sooner rather than later and be prepared for an unexpected and possibly violent reaction from him. I never in a million years anticipated him shooting at me...

Do be careful and safe.

Wow, you ladies are awesome. Such excellent advise, and from their own raw experiences. That's the best kind of advise there is, in my opinion.

Gaelyn, I'm with you re: not waiting, as I have done that too, and I am just now, ready to go...my oldest is 18, my youngest 14.

It sounds like Enco, you need help getting thru until you leave. Mine is a covert abuser, and now that I know the covert's "game" ,I'm simply not playing anymore.



My father did all of those horrific things to my mom too. He raped her, beat her, emotionally and verbally abused her. She had 9 kids with him and stayed for 25 years. We all wanted, begged her to leave him (watching him abuse her and us). I know my mom wasn't my mom,after he got done with her. She was so depresseed,had no support of family, friends, church. She was afraid and frozen. But she did leave, by the grace of God.

Are you on any anti-depressants ? I have become a strong advocate of them since I started taking Prozac last November. They help me not to be so hyper vigilant so that I don't knee jerk react to my husband. They help me think so much clearer. I was in bed for 4 years from depression before I began to fight back and started taking charge of my own life, but when I was in that deep depression, I could barely brush my teeth, let alone leave. Now, 6 months later, I'm closer to my goal, but it is still hard work, dealing with his games, and the rest of my life. So I totally get that....

My family is in NJ, so I went to a 5 day a week, therapy support group. I did that for 4 months. I don't have insurance but I found a great hospital that allowed me to not pay. The group helped me heal a bit of the abuse, and helped me focus on my own issues, rather than his. I've become very strong and confident as a result. It was also great leaving the house everyday (he's unemployed) so I didn't have to deal with him. Now I go once a week for an hour (to group).

If you don't have a support system or have taken care of your depression, in my opinion, there's no way to cope because your not getting filled up or encouraged or hearing another voice, just his.


I'm in the exact same boat, just accepted the fact that I'm being abused (still gets stuck in my throat) because I just thought he was just an asshole and passive aggressive. I never asked myself how is it affecting me.
A small shift in thinking, but the most powerful shift I've ever experienced.

I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent so I also use the tools and support of 12 step program. It teaches me how how to deal with life on life's terms.

The First Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or our abusers)and our lives have become unmanageable".

(In other words,I can't change the fact I'm an alcoholic, I can't change the fact that my husband is an abuser...ever, but I can learn how to deal with them.


In my opinion, most victims, if not all, are codependent. We put others first, even the person that is abusing us. So I rely on this book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It helps me to stay focused on my needs. If I'm not in good shape, I can't help myself or my children.

At the end of the day it's your decision. If there is any way to leave now, do it. Unless you have a support mechanism in place, you'll get stuck there because he will continue to beat you down, even if you want to leave, you really won't know how under these conditions. If he's hitting you, you really have no choice, it's been removed from your hands. That is a deal breaker.
Good luck and hope to see you on the sites...

IF HE IS ABUSING YOUR CHILD IN ANY WAY AT ALL, CALL SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT IN YOUR AREA AND GET THE HECK OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOUR CHILD, YESTERDAY!