I feel similar to you Jaylady. After a 10 year marriage and a string of abusive relationships before that, and my dysfunctional family all along, I also feel done with people. I have one really good friend who lives 3 states away, whom I've held onto for 20 years. Although we've grown apart and can't talk on the phone for hours like we used to, I can still call her when I need a friend.

However I have not made a single close friend in the past 20 years. I've had some decent friends who come and go from my life. I've come to realize it's me as much as it is them, not wanting to deal with the potential issues that come along with close relationships. I've made a few recent attempts to reach out to people I think could become a friend, and my efforts are not reciprocated. I'm too tired to be persistent.

Speaking of tired, I hear you. I wake up and have coffee and feel like I could just crawl back in bed a lot of days. Thank goodness I do have 2 kids and work which makes me function most days, otherwise I would have probably spent the majority of the past 2 months in bed. I look around my house and realize it's a cluttered mess, and think "I'll get to it tomorrow".

Anyway I also feel like I wish I had someone around to get a hug sometimes, and someone to confide in and trust other than a therapist. But for now, I just don't. It may be a while with the way I feel inside.

After I left my marriage, I made a friend out of desperation and not wanting to be alone. I wasn't good at setting boundaries, so after putting up with a lot of crap, I got upset and walked away from her. I realized that she was pretty dysfunctional, but at the time what I didn't realize was that I was pretty dysfunctional too. Once I got into therapy w/the right therapist, I made the decision to not start any new IRL relationships of any kind until I'd done some deep personal work.

I did however make some good online friends here on DS. That was when we had chat and so we talked all the time. But we still have messaging so that's something. Here I learned to trust my inner knowing as to who was safe to hang out with in cyberspace.' That really helped a lot. And of course, I posted on the boards and journaled a lot.

After I was in therapy for about a year, I began to venture out to meet new people in discussion groups, book clubs & other groups. (I wasn't interested in a 'romantic' relationship.) For me that was a good decision because w/the therapy, I learned to set and keep boundaries. I also learned to trust my inner knowing AND the red flags.

I have made some friends who are on the same path I am and are healthier emotionally & mentally. I think when we do our work we end up attracting people who are also doing their work. And when we don't, we recognize it and steer clear.

As for feeling tired, I think that is, sadly, normal under the circumstances. Abuse drains us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. It takes a long time to heal and get that energy back.

Honestly, we are the only ones who can heal ourselves. I had no local support. I had a little long distance support, but most people, even good friends & family don't want to hear about it. That's not because they don't love us. It's more likely that we are triggering them (unintentionally) and they usually aren't ready to deal w/their stuff. That's a good reason to seek out people who are working on themselves. ;-)

I actually found it easier to heal from the trauma alone because it forced me to do the work when I saw the therapist. Also my therapist did a special therapy 'retreat' group thing that was like therapy on speed, lol. It helped a lot and I made some friends there.

There are things you can do while you're healing like join a book club, a meetup group, a church social group, do volunteer work, go to the local hospital and hold the babies or to the animal shelter and pet the puppies, volunteer at a soup kitchen. These are places where we can interact w/people, but not have to form relationships until we're ready. And you might be surprised that some relationship(s) will just form naturally.

It's critical to our healing to practice extreme self care, do our 'work,' trust our inner knowing and pay attention to the red flags.

~healing hugs~

I can completely relate to you, JayLady. I left my abusive husband seven years ago and somehow finally opening my eyes to all of the abuse and realizing the astounding extent of it was a very disorienting experience. I don't see the world or relationships or people the same way that I used to. I don't trust people very far. And my ex-husband is still dragging me through the courts and hurting my kids. I've stopped talking to most people about it because I can see the doubt in their eyes. Everyone wants to believe that it 'takes two to tango'. On the other hand, I don't want pity. So I just go it alone mostly.

The other aspect is that I am single and many people my age are married. They aren't necessarily interested in forming a friendship with me as I am. I have tried forming a relationship with various men, but find myself always with men like my ex-husband. I am seeing someone now who seems to be different, but I am still very cautious.

Some days I don't cope very well. I try to focus on my kids and their needs. I spend too much time online. I hope for better days, but I can't seem to truly get back on my feet again. To feel strong and good like I used to years ago. I am intermittently practicing self-care. Getting enough sleep, taking care with my style and personal hygiene. It does help.

I really just wanted to say that I'm with you and wish you the best.

MyTrueColors,

Thanks so much for being insightful and transparent in your reply. I felt like you were talking about me.
I have done the work in therapy and am still doing the work until I find another one. I realize that I am setting firmer boundaries and being assertive. One thing I did not know when I was younger is that people think when you are being nice, you must be an easy target. One of my coworkers found out today that this does not apply to me. Therefore I am able to easily pick up on red flags. I feel better about myself since I am standing up for myself.
Because I come from a long history (starting in childhood) of abuse and dysfunction, I realize that I need to be alone for at least another 2 or 3 years. I just think that I need time to regroup and to learn what it means to be healthier and happier mentally and emotionally. In addition, I am realizing that I need to work on being comfortable in my own skin due to the negativity I come from. Like you, I hope to go to a therapeutic retreat to help me grow and heal more.
I have volunteered but it did not work out for me. However, I am thinking about volunteering again. I just dont know what will be the best option for me.

Daydreamer73,
I get it. I have been divorced 8 years now and eventually dealt with transactional friendships with women. It is a shame that I did not realize what was going on because I was so used to this norm. Now that I have accepted the radical truth about myself and life, it has made me feel very ashamed, pathetic, hurt, angry and sad. But this is the way to self-forgiveness, self-help and self-healing because I know that I have to deal with my emotions first before I can deal with my stuff.
I understand being too tired to be persistent. Since I dont have friends, I have made books, the internet and tv shows my best girlfriends. One show I love a lot is The Good Wife. The character, Eli Gold, told another character that he doesnt do relationships because they require too much work and time to keep them working. At that moment, I felt like someone actually understood how I felt. Eventhough I want relationships with people, I find that people are not willing to do what it takes to make it work and expect me to do MOST of the work. I also feel like others have expected too much of me and unfortunately I catered to this notion because I felt that pleasing them would have them to appreciate me. Boy was I wrong! Lol.
I think going back to therapy will be a good thing for me and I hope that if you arent in therapy that you would consider doing so. I know that with the right therapist, it will be a major help and resource to the road of recovery.

Rosenkranz,
I understand the judgment a woman feels when dealing with issues with the ex. People have plenty of times assumed that the woman is at fault and the man is the victim. There is a great book called, Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, the author discusses how abusive men are able to manipulate everyone (even the womans own parents) into believing that he is a good man who is being slandered by an emotionally unstable and vindictive woman. Reading this book was a huge eye opener which made me very scared to venture out to meet another man and marry him.
In addition, my ex and his mother has turned my kid against me who is now living with them. My ex only wanted him because he did not want to pay the increase in cs. And of course he decided to come after me for cs so it is only a matter of time before I get the hammer. Smdh. I would like to think that he is asking for cs to take care off our kid but I know it is only to keep me suffering by adding insult to injury. Sigh. I just wish I could change my name and disappear because when I think of my past and trying to having a good present in order to get a better future, I have a hard time coping. Just like you, I hope to get back on steady ground but it seems like the ground keeps shaking.