Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Everyone here has been so helpful and supportive, and I am so thankful for you all. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and even more important, that I am not crazy. I have always been a little shy with sharing my writing/poetry, but I thought maybe I would share with you something I wrote during one of the most difficult times in my healing process where I was dealing with my anger, maybe even something someone else can relate to. Thank you in advance for reading. :)
I cannot claim to have ever felt inspired by my own reflection. I knew what the world deemed to be attractive, and I humbly realized that I was not it... But I was okay with that. Vanity and self-confidence in my appearance have always been foreign concepts to me, but as cliche as it sounds, I was proud of who I was. Kind, generous, accepting... I was the type of person who would gladly paint a smile on my face, shoving my insecurities down deep inside of me if it meant making my friends happy. I thrived off of the well-being of my loved ones. The thought of ever hurting anyone or engaging in confrontations made me feel ill. I knew that I was a good person.
Now, as I glance again at myself in the mirror, I cringe for different reasons.
I had allowed my heart to be erroded by your spite; You chipped away at it until there was very little left. I can no longer take comfort in the fact that while I am not much to look at on the outside, that maybe people would see my inner light as my redeeming quality. You extinguished that flame within me.
Staring back at me, I now see dead, tired eyes. There is no spark of life; no hint of the caring soul that was once safely nestled within. I don't look for too long, because I'm afraid that I will begin to see something worse than apathy... Something else that has been bottled beneath the surface for far too long. Something that will destroy me.
You had stolen my warmth for your own selfish needs, and I was eventually forced to grow cold and numb. You know those lovely butterflies you feel fluttering in your stomach when you think you've met someone special? You killed them. And now I suffer from the angry, stinging wasps that have taken their place in my gut. While I wish I could place all of the blame on you, (God knows, if I am blamed for one more single thing, it might be the end of me), I know I too am at fault. All of the things that I once admired about myself, I now see were signs of weakness... and you zeroed in on them like a hawk. I had always wondered what it was that you found desirable about me. Of course, it is clear to me that you saw me as nothing but a doormat; to stomp on, to drag your filthy feet across, until I was forever stained by your dirt. I was foolish to fall for your charming charade, to hold everyone to the same standards as myself. Naive to believe that I could trust you with the secrets that you begged for me to conjure up from the darkest places within me, only for you to use them against me as emotional blackmail to get what you wanted. I despise the fact that I let you infect me with your negativity, how I bended over backwards for you, for some reason, dying for your approval. I am ashamed that I cared so little for myself, that I placed all of your needs above mine; no matter how awful you made me feel. I could never be good enough for you.
The only thing that mattered to you was, well, you.
You were a vulture, in search of someone whose generosity you could feed upon. You needed a person to stroke your shattered ego, to drown with your self-loathing. Misery loves company, as they say. You used me up, and now I feel empty.
Here I am now, dealing with the consequences... It sounds as if I had committed a crime. People will say, "Well, you're stronger now," or "At least you've learned a lesson." But one must take a deep look at the society we live in when they feel as if a person should be punished for being too kind. It reminds me of one of the last things I ever remember hearing from your horrible, twisted mouth;
"It's YOUR fault for letting me walk all over you! You should've stood up for yourself."
Yep, I learned my lesson, all right. Never again will I offer my heart so readily. I have to assume that everyone wears a mask of deception, and that no one cares about anyone but themselves. I have to search for hidden meaning in even the most innocent of gestures, because I cannot allow myself to be fooled again. I must protect myself; erect a barrier of indifference... I can't afford any more pain. I am feebly grasping on to the hope that people aren't as greedy as they all seem... And if they are, I see no other option but to become like them. I will hide within myself; never depending on anyone for a single thing, but also, never again quick to lend a helping hand. Never could I imagine meeting someone so horrible, that he could turn off my ability to care, just like the simple flick of a switch.
The memories flood into my mind, and I begin to feel that awful, suffocating sensation once more. How can I rid myself of this anxiety? How can I learn to cope with the stew of feelings that are brewing inside of me?
I was sick of doubting myself. I have nurtured the pain inside of me, until it blossomed into an ugly ball of hate. It is so hard to deal with grief... But this new emotion is so much easier to handle. I can feel the hot anger bubbling beneath my skin; I can feel it tingling behind my lips, fuel for bitter words that I never thought I could ever say...
I hate you. You deserve to be beaten without mercy, and then discarded like trash, because that's the only way you've ever treated me. You've sucked the life out of me. I lost control of everything. You've warped my mind with your disgusting methods of manipulation, and all the while YOU played the victim! I am teetering on the edge of insanity, all because you needed someone to project your feelings of worthlessness onto. You made me feel like a monster, when all I've ever wanted was to love, and be loved in return... and I'll never forgive you for it. My mind will never be at ease, unless I discover you have suffered equally for the misery you have gifted me... I HATE YOU.
...
Often, I am shocked at this new-found feeling of hatred. I never thought I was capable of mustering so much energy just to HATE someone. Even worse; it felt good. I feel empowered. I no longer feel in danger of being hurt. Anger can be a useful emotion, I have discovered. No longer do I feel sorry for myself. I KNOW that I have been wronged, and I KNOW that I am justified to feel this way... But I cannot stand the thought of losing my sense of control to anything else, for as long as I live... And if I adapt to a life filled with hate and anger, what makes me any different than YOU? The thought of ever becoming so consumed by hate that I even begin to slightly RESEMBLE you in the least... Well, that is a person I cannot live with. I will try to only allow the hate to simmer, just enough to prevent me from making the same mistakes again; as long as it doesn't boil over. Having never known hate to this extreme, I question if I have ever really felt love? A bothersome, nagging question for sure, but I have little concern of relationships anymore... I am determined by this point that if there is anything out there deserving of my love, it was going to have to be pretty AMAZING. So, I am faced with the entangled emotions that battle inside of me- Do I embrace my rage, and allow it to transform me into something I may fear? Do I choose to wallow in the pain, leaving my weaknesses open to being taken advantage of once more? Or do I shut down completely? Refusing to feel hate, pain, or love? Making it impossible to ever expose myself to heartbreak, but also throwing away the possibility of anyone ever giving me those nice, little butterflies again?
I quickly look away from that reflection in the mirror; I cannot stand to face the angry person that I have become. I am fearful of the idea that if I look into those conflicted eyes again, I will be forever lost. I fear I will allow my hate and fear to swallow me up, because sometimes, being miserable is much more simple than trying to find reasons to be happy. There still remains, (though it is now so small, it could almost go undetected), the slightest glimmer of hope that my faith in humanity will someday be restored... For now, I keep that forbidden wish buried in the tiny slice of my heart that still lingers in my chest; it is the only thing keeping me from crumbling completely and becoming a slave to my contempt. Someday, maybe, I will look in the mirror, and witness that soft flicker of light in my eyes that I secretly long to see again once more; a sign that someone has managed to flip the switch back on; A sign that... I don't know, Maybe there's someone home in there, after all.
I cannot claim to have ever felt inspired by my own reflection. I knew what the world deemed to be attractive, and I humbly realized that I was not it... But I was okay with that. Vanity and self-confidence in my appearance have always been foreign concepts to me, but as cliche as it sounds, I was proud of who I was. Kind, generous, accepting... I was the type of person who would gladly paint a smile on my face, shoving my insecurities down deep inside of me if it meant making my friends happy. I thrived off of the well-being of my loved ones. The thought of ever hurting anyone or engaging in confrontations made me feel ill. I knew that I was a good person.
Now, as I glance again at myself in the mirror, I cringe for different reasons.
I had allowed my heart to be erroded by your spite; You chipped away at it until there was very little left. I can no longer take comfort in the fact that while I am not much to look at on the outside, that maybe people would see my inner light as my redeeming quality. You extinguished that flame within me.
Staring back at me, I now see dead, tired eyes. There is no spark of life; no hint of the caring soul that was once safely nestled within. I don't look for too long, because I'm afraid that I will begin to see something worse than apathy... Something else that has been bottled beneath the surface for far too long. Something that will destroy me.
You had stolen my warmth for your own selfish needs, and I was eventually forced to grow cold and numb. You know those lovely butterflies you feel fluttering in your stomach when you think you've met someone special? You killed them. And now I suffer from the angry, stinging wasps that have taken their place in my gut. While I wish I could place all of the blame on you, (God knows, if I am blamed for one more single thing, it might be the end of me), I know I too am at fault. All of the things that I once admired about myself, I now see were signs of weakness... and you zeroed in on them like a hawk. I had always wondered what it was that you found desirable about me. Of course, it is clear to me that you saw me as nothing but a doormat; to stomp on, to drag your filthy feet across, until I was forever stained by your dirt. I was foolish to fall for your charming charade, to hold everyone to the same standards as myself. Naive to believe that I could trust you with the secrets that you begged for me to conjure up from the darkest places within me, only for you to use them against me as emotional blackmail to get what you wanted. I despise the fact that I let you infect me with your negativity, how I bended over backwards for you, for some reason, dying for your approval. I am ashamed that I cared so little for myself, that I placed all of your needs above mine; no matter how awful you made me feel. I could never be good enough for you.
The only thing that mattered to you was, well, you.
You were a vulture, in search of someone whose generosity you could feed upon. You needed a person to stroke your shattered ego, to drown with your self-loathing. Misery loves company, as they say. You used me up, and now I feel empty.
Here I am now, dealing with the consequences... It sounds as if I had committed a crime. People will say, "Well, you're stronger now," or "At least you've learned a lesson." But one must take a deep look at the society we live in when they feel as if a person should be punished for being too kind. It reminds me of one of the last things I ever remember hearing from your horrible, twisted mouth;
"It's YOUR fault for letting me walk all over you! You should've stood up for yourself."
Yep, I learned my lesson, all right. Never again will I offer my heart so readily. I have to assume that everyone wears a mask of deception, and that no one cares about anyone but themselves. I have to search for hidden meaning in even the most innocent of gestures, because I cannot allow myself to be fooled again. I must protect myself; erect a barrier of indifference... I can't afford any more pain. I am feebly grasping on to the hope that people aren't as greedy as they all seem... And if they are, I see no other option but to become like them. I will hide within myself; never depending on anyone for a single thing, but also, never again quick to lend a helping hand. Never could I imagine meeting someone so horrible, that he could turn off my ability to care, just like the simple flick of a switch.
The memories flood into my mind, and I begin to feel that awful, suffocating sensation once more. How can I rid myself of this anxiety? How can I learn to cope with the stew of feelings that are brewing inside of me?
I was sick of doubting myself. I have nurtured the pain inside of me, until it blossomed into an ugly ball of hate. It is so hard to deal with grief... But this new emotion is so much easier to handle. I can feel the hot anger bubbling beneath my skin; I can feel it tingling behind my lips, fuel for bitter words that I never thought I could ever say...
I hate you. You deserve to be beaten without mercy, and then discarded like trash, because that's the only way you've ever treated me. You've sucked the life out of me. I lost control of everything. You've warped my mind with your disgusting methods of manipulation, and all the while YOU played the victim! I am teetering on the edge of insanity, all because you needed someone to project your feelings of worthlessness onto. You made me feel like a monster, when all I've ever wanted was to love, and be loved in return... and I'll never forgive you for it. My mind will never be at ease, unless I discover you have suffered equally for the misery you have gifted me... I HATE YOU.
...
Often, I am shocked at this new-found feeling of hatred. I never thought I was capable of mustering so much energy just to HATE someone. Even worse; it felt good. I feel empowered. I no longer feel in danger of being hurt. Anger can be a useful emotion, I have discovered. No longer do I feel sorry for myself. I KNOW that I have been wronged, and I KNOW that I am justified to feel this way... But I cannot stand the thought of losing my sense of control to anything else, for as long as I live... And if I adapt to a life filled with hate and anger, what makes me any different than YOU? The thought of ever becoming so consumed by hate that I even begin to slightly RESEMBLE you in the least... Well, that is a person I cannot live with. I will try to only allow the hate to simmer, just enough to prevent me from making the same mistakes again; as long as it doesn't boil over. Having never known hate to this extreme, I question if I have ever really felt love? A bothersome, nagging question for sure, but I have little concern of relationships anymore... I am determined by this point that if there is anything out there deserving of my love, it was going to have to be pretty AMAZING. So, I am faced with the entangled emotions that battle inside of me- Do I embrace my rage, and allow it to transform me into something I may fear? Do I choose to wallow in the pain, leaving my weaknesses open to being taken advantage of once more? Or do I shut down completely? Refusing to feel hate, pain, or love? Making it impossible to ever expose myself to heartbreak, but also throwing away the possibility of anyone ever giving me those nice, little butterflies again?
I quickly look away from that reflection in the mirror; I cannot stand to face the angry person that I have become. I am fearful of the idea that if I look into those conflicted eyes again, I will be forever lost. I fear I will allow my hate and fear to swallow me up, because sometimes, being miserable is much more simple than trying to find reasons to be happy. There still remains, (though it is now so small, it could almost go undetected), the slightest glimmer of hope that my faith in humanity will someday be restored... For now, I keep that forbidden wish buried in the tiny slice of my heart that still lingers in my chest; it is the only thing keeping me from crumbling completely and becoming a slave to my contempt. Someday, maybe, I will look in the mirror, and witness that soft flicker of light in my eyes that I secretly long to see again once more; a sign that someone has managed to flip the switch back on; A sign that... I don't know, Maybe there's someone home in there, after all.
You're a loving person, feeling your anger and emotions is one step towards self love. Don't worry, you won't become that man, especially if you address any negative or limiting beliefs about yourself and the world. (He hasn't done this and, like you said, he feels badly, thinks badly about himself - that's the root of being abusive, not the feelings themselves.)
Beautiful writing, thanks for sharing with us!
than an hour ago,
there is a time
for anger.
It seems like
this is the time
for you,
in regards to
your journey.
And I agree
that your post
is both
articulate
and powerful.
You're on your way, Hon.
Keep on keepin' on!
Yes, anger has it's place. I feel no guilt about my anger.
I don't know how much of what you wrote is still true for you, but I also wanted to say you are not dead inside. I felt that way too. But the way I see how I was now, I was like an overstocked field. It looks dead, but take away what's destroying it, treat it with some TLC, and it will come back stronger and more beautiful than ever. And so will you. Use your anger, feel whatever you feel. And keep moving forward.
Truly inspiring. :-)