Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
and I feel absolutely dreadful. My son told me tonight that he thinks my husband and I should get a divorce. My son is 11 and has never said anything like this before. He has said things like why do you fight all the time, and you need to be nicer to each other, but never the "D" word. I have been in complete denial, thinking he would never realize what was going on. He told me that he remembers years of us fighting. How horrible is that for him? I feel like a terrible mother.
I am always there for him and my husband is barely home. He works a lot of hours, but when he is home - he is miserable, so it makes me miserable. We try to do things together, but my husband just gets frustrated and comes out with stupid comments.
I really feel like there is no repairing the damage right now, other than to just do what he said and get Divorced, but I am a coward in every sense of the word - I can't explain it - I just don't know how to move forward with anything. I thought staying together was the right thing to do, and now I realize I was wrong and it is too late to fix it.
I don't have a job and I don't have any income right now - I have been looking for a full time teaching job for 5 years and cannot find one. I have no stability of being on my own and I am afraid I would lose my son.
I am so lost right now - I just want to curl up in a ball. My son told me that I am always there for him - but not my husband. I think I over compensate for the lack of a father in his life.
How could I do this to him?
I am always there for him and my husband is barely home. He works a lot of hours, but when he is home - he is miserable, so it makes me miserable. We try to do things together, but my husband just gets frustrated and comes out with stupid comments.
I really feel like there is no repairing the damage right now, other than to just do what he said and get Divorced, but I am a coward in every sense of the word - I can't explain it - I just don't know how to move forward with anything. I thought staying together was the right thing to do, and now I realize I was wrong and it is too late to fix it.
I don't have a job and I don't have any income right now - I have been looking for a full time teaching job for 5 years and cannot find one. I have no stability of being on my own and I am afraid I would lose my son.
I am so lost right now - I just want to curl up in a ball. My son told me that I am always there for him - but not my husband. I think I over compensate for the lack of a father in his life.
How could I do this to him?
You have posted on an abuse forum, so I am going to assume you feel that your H is abusive. If that's the case, then it is not YOU who has done anything to damage your son. If your son is growing up in an abusive household, that is the fault of the abuser. But that doesn't mean you can't take steps now to protect him from abuse. It's not too late. You don't say where you are, but there is likely a women's centre or domestic violence service that you can talk to about options, and who can give you some support.
Please connect with people who can help you through this - for your sake and for the sake of your son. It's not too late.
you can do this! I did!
8 months out, in a basement suite, cleaning houses for a living, and LOVING LIFE!!!
My son prayed that I would leave and he was only aged 5 yo. However, when we did leave a few months later, he blamed himself for the break up because of what he prayed. He is an adult now but relates this story as one that had a huge impact on him.
As your son is 11, he will have more understanding than a 5 yo, but if you leave, I would make sure he understands that you didn't leave just because he suggested it. Otherwise he may blame himself.
Children often know more than we think and sometimes they try to protect us.
I stayed because of my children, but I ended up leaving because of them. I didn't want them growing up thinking this abuse and violence was normal. They were really angry with me at first, but now as adults they have thanked me for it and understand that I needed to go.
If I were you, I would make up a secret escape plan just in case, and start preparing. That way, if you do decide to leave, you will not be caught totally off guard. Is counseling an option for you both? All the best with whatever you decide.
I left mine partially because I read that kids who see their mother abused tend to start abusing her, too, later on, because they learn that their mother is 'stupid' and not deserving of love or respect. And I saw that my FIL, who is terribly abused by my MIL, is treated by his two grown kids like the lowest form of life. It's a terrible thing to witness.
Regarding him blaming himself for the divorce, this is very common for kids whose parents divorce for whatever reason. The antidote is talking about it and telling him, repeatedly if necessary, that it is absolutely not his fault and that leaving an abusive marriage is hard, but the right thing to do. He will learn that life isn't perfect. I sure didn't want for my kids what they have right now, and I feel that they are 'damaged' in some way, but life damages all of us. The damage would have been worse if we had stayed with their father. If they learn that abuse is wrong and that some people should be avoided, then it hasn't been all bad.
I totally get the financial dependency. I stayed with mine too long because of that, too. But I did eventually make the break and you can, too. I would suggest taking little steps toward educating yourself about your rights. Start reaching out to people who can help you get out and get support for you and your son. If you really look, I'm sure that you'll find a way in time.
The fact that he said that to you...really, I would see it as a good thing. It takes away that worry for you, of how he would feel and react.
In leaving an abusive man, you will not only save your life but your sons. I didn't leave until my son was 14, even though the plan was in place a long time before that. While I regret not leaving earlier, I do know that one of the reasons I left was for him, so he would know that that kind of behavior was not acceptable, and to make sure he at least had the option of an abuse free life. Which he took, 18 months after I moved out he chose, on his own, to leave his dad and move in with me. He is a great kid, and now knows why I did what I did.
Your son already knows you should go, so...call a women's center, a dv center, and get some help in putting together a plan. LOTS of the people on here left with nothing, and created a wonderful life. Rachel comes to mind.
Life can be so wonderful. Go for it, and give your son the life he deserves.
hard to add anything totally new.
Just want to add my voice to
the list of saying that you're
NOT a bad mother, you
HAVEN'T ruined your son's
life, and now is the PERFECT
time to take the reins and
move your life and your
son's life to an
abuse-free household.
If you can't find a teaching job
(times have been tough!!!),
then take whatever job you
can turn up, in the mean time.
By the way. . . . what makes
you so afraid that you'll
lose your son? Is that what
your husband tells you?
The courts virtually never
take a child (particularly a
child not yet a teenager)
away from the mother,
unless the mother is
utterly unfilt, as in major
addictions or profound
mental illness. I'm not
saying that I haven't heard
of bad outcomes. But lots
of things have to go seriously
wrong fo result in that kind
of disaster.
Please get yourself to
a women's center and
dip your toe into the
process of recovery.
Life can be SOOOO
much BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm rooting for you and your son to leave! He sounds like an awesome little boy, and you sound like a great mom--and you both deserve to live a life of peace and happiness.