Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have read every book and worked so very hard at my recovery and it is still so painfully difficult. After two weeks, I broke NC and called (and texted) my ex to say Happy Birthday to him today. No response. Of course. He harasses the heck out of me but when I call him... he can't be bothered. I feel sick.
My anxiety is off the charts this past week. I feel at a loss. I don't know what to do differently. I don't know why I feel stuck at this stage of my recovery. This hasn't been a normal two week. Usually I have bad days but I have good ones too. Right now, I feel on hyper alert as if something is happening. It is very difficult to work today and very difficult to function. Each day I am waking up hoping that I will feel better and each day seems to be worse.
Am I headed for a terrible break down? All because I miss my ex? I am honestly at wits end and I don't know what to do.
I *think* (if I am honest with myself) that it has to do with his transitioning. He is leaving the military after 23 years, he is moving, relocating, getting rid of all his stuff (my stuff!) and in general clearing house. I don't know what he is doing and I don't want to know and I can't stand not knowing. If he doesn't get a job, he can't pay me alimony. I will still have half the penion and my own job so I will be okay but still.... The anxiety is actually painful today. I physically hurt all over. I feel like if someone touches me, I will break into a million tiny pieces.
I want to go back to NC but I worry what the point is? It hurts so much the first few days then you get to two weeks and F it all up again and have to start over. I am just so fed completely up with feeling this way. I am sick (literally) and very desperate.
I will try anything new. Anything at all.
My anxiety is off the charts this past week. I feel at a loss. I don't know what to do differently. I don't know why I feel stuck at this stage of my recovery. This hasn't been a normal two week. Usually I have bad days but I have good ones too. Right now, I feel on hyper alert as if something is happening. It is very difficult to work today and very difficult to function. Each day I am waking up hoping that I will feel better and each day seems to be worse.
Am I headed for a terrible break down? All because I miss my ex? I am honestly at wits end and I don't know what to do.
I *think* (if I am honest with myself) that it has to do with his transitioning. He is leaving the military after 23 years, he is moving, relocating, getting rid of all his stuff (my stuff!) and in general clearing house. I don't know what he is doing and I don't want to know and I can't stand not knowing. If he doesn't get a job, he can't pay me alimony. I will still have half the penion and my own job so I will be okay but still.... The anxiety is actually painful today. I physically hurt all over. I feel like if someone touches me, I will break into a million tiny pieces.
I want to go back to NC but I worry what the point is? It hurts so much the first few days then you get to two weeks and F it all up again and have to start over. I am just so fed completely up with feeling this way. I am sick (literally) and very desperate.
I will try anything new. Anything at all.
If you know what triggers you, you can prepare you "rest kit"" in advance and take it out when you feel like you are becoming restless and about to break NC.
Those feelings, "I am broken, something is wrong with me, I'm going to go insane" I want to escape anyplace that I am, but I also am terrified of leaving the place that I am. It's your anxiety, and anxiety is NOT reality! When I'm not in "panic mode." I don't feel any of those things, I don't feel broken, I don't feel anywhere close to a breakdown, and I try to realize when I do feel those things-that's the panic "talking."
I've said before but it bears repeating-anxiety is often thought to be about the future-while depression seems to be linked to the past. So I'm not surprised uncertainty about you're ex's retirement and its effect on you is causing anxiety. To me, the fact that you know intellectually that you'l be fine shows that in your mind and heart there is still that connection with your ex. You are still taking on what you THINK his anxieties should be, you are still mirroring him.
The point of NC is that that immense challenge holds your healing in it's hands for you. In the end, when you take that gift, it doesn't matter how many times you were not successful at it. Breaking NC is not something that is done to you that you have no control over, you can do it. Is it difficult, monumentally difficult-but while many things are outside of our control (like your ex abusing you when all you want is the "old" husband back) NC is within your control. Some degree of healing comes from knowing what we can control and doing so, and letting go of what we can't control, and quit feeling like we can and should control those things, and quit trying to control them. Accepting all those things.
I don't know if you are currently on any anti-anxiety meds, or if you ever have been in the past, but it may help manage your anxiety symptoms while you work through your triggers.
Certain days will be triggers for us, for quite awhile. So between his birthday and his life changes going on right now, those are events you expected to be a part throughout your life. And now you are not, it's natural that it would be much more challenging right now. You aren't in that picture anymore.
Remind yourself, like Cant said, that NC is in your control. Focus on the things you can control. I'm working on the whole "letting go" and realizing what things in life it's ok to let go, boy, is that a doosie of a hard one for me. Our thoughts can be so powerful, so convincing & it's exhausting to stop those negative thoughts but it is possible.
Talk yourself up, remind yourself how well you're doing & how far you've come. We have to pull ourselves out of the negative places in our minds & our thoughts. sending hugs & praying for you
I feel better today. I have been having a lot of anxiety and it sort of peaked yesterday. I don't feel quite so chaotic today.