How does him being an ass make you a dumb ass?

Please don't do his dirty work for him by calling yourself names, putting yourself down and blaming yourself for his poor behaviour.

MStill -----

Welcome to the forum
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that
have brought you here.

First, I want to second
what Livnd said.

You are NOT anything other
than a beautiful flower
on the stem of the universe.

Second. . . . . .

In your brief thread, you've
already articulated a handful
of indicators of a narcissist.

Certainly, there are others,
but the main point to remember
is that in the presence of a
narcissist, you are only one thing. . . . .

the "supply."

You are the supply of
affirmation that the
narcissist requires,
as a vampire requires
human blood to exist
in an animated form.

The narcissist will
suck your living spirit
from you till you
no longer have any,
and then
he will move on.

Please call this number:

(800) 524-4765

It's your state's women's
resource coalition.

The longer you remain
with this predator, the
less of yourself you'll
be able to recognize,
because he will have
sucked from you the
essence of your
beautiful unique spirit.

Please don't let that happen.

Call that number ASAP.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better things.

Please take good care
of yourself.

Livndadrem & IleneW,
Thank you for your response. I need to realize that I must be kind to myself. I must, because he probably won't. I need to get stronger and I need to leave - again. He is not and has never been physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally. Also I don't understand if the drunk guy is the real guy or if the sober guy is the real guy. Sober, he does not behave this way. Problem is that sober happens less & less. I guess it doesn't matter. IleneW, you are so right. I am the supply. I often feel that my job in this relationship is to be his audience. I also think that all he needs is my attention. So damn much attention. I'm running out of attention. I'm going to get out of this I swear. I have to.

The sober guy gets drunk
to anesthetize pain he
won't deal with any other
way.

And, that is the real guy.
He is absolutely the
guy who gets drunk
and mistreats you
every other way.

Also, you wrote:

He is not and has never been physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally.

First. . . . . .

most victims of any kind
of abuse (including physical),
will tell you that there is no
such thing as
"just verbal and emotional."

Verbal and emotional abuse
can kill physically. (I nearly
took my own life, back twenty
years ago as the result of
being beaten up emotionally.
He didn't have to lifet a finger.)

If that doesn't end up happening,
then many, many victims of verbal
and emotional abuse die emotionally,
spiritually, every way that matters
in the course of our physical existence.

I'm glad to hear your
intent is to leave the
relationship. Please
call that number.
They're there to help.

LOVE YOUR LIFE.
Don't send it down
the sewer into the
abyss of an
emotional vampire.

I really can't add to what the other ladies have said but wanted to say look after ouself and please don't allow youself to be mistreated any longer x

I think I spend so much time trying to figure him out, that I never work on what I need. I wish I could just accept that he is f'd up & it doesn't matter what or why. The truth is that he is not good for me and that should be enough for me to know

There are some incredibly intelligent men and women that post in this support group, a huge chunk of which were or still are involved with a Narcissist. I'd guess every one of the people that post here have experienced narcissistic behavior from their loved one(s) that ultimately brought them here. There is a point before the light turns on that we do not realize what we're dealing with, as much as we might identify and admit the red flags may have been present earlier on. To me, at least, it never felt natural to jump straight to the conclusion that I was involved in an abusive relationship. When I figured it out, yeah I felt like a dumb___, but it doesn't make me a dumb___. And guess what? You're not one either. Especially not because of this!

You cannot be blamed for figuring something out that I'm guessing you didn't realize before. I doubt many here jump into a relationship knowing that they'll be abused, even if it's part of their pattern. One more time: it's not your fault you didn't know. You are not a dumb___.

But now you do know, but I'm guessing you're already emotionally attached/invested with this guy, so knowing all that you can do whatever you have to do to help yourself (you can't help him). This unfortunately happens to some of the smartest people. It's no reflection on you.

""""""""""""""""""""""""" I think I spend so much time trying to figure him out, that I never work on what I need.""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

BINGO.

...."I think I spend so much time trying to figure him out, that I never work on what I need."

That rang true for me too. Absolutely. They love to be in your head.