Im in my junior year of highschool, I have so much on my hands, a waitressing job, a family to support with a father that gambles and a mother whos dying. I began dating this kid a year and a half ago, he made me feel amazing. I dated him because he was as messed up and broken as me, but he was such a good person so I thought it would be alright. After two months of dating him, it was all going well, I would go to him after coming home from work, getting grabbed by strangers and called names, I'd stay up late talking with him about life, silly dreams, memories, anything that came to mind. As time went on he got darker, he wouldn't let me go, he would use me as a therapist and scream at me, and hurt me when i didn't make him feel better. One night he wanted to "have a little fun" but we could only talk online, but i was so sad and tiered that I told him I wasn't up for anything that night, he was furious about it, it was a rough night. I can only imagine if I refused him in person, I've been assaulted before by another man who got me drunk, I tried to tell him before the previous incident, when i said it he ignored me and pretended I didn't say anything because "I dont date dirty druggies, and you're not that, I love you.". When he wasn't like this we would have so much fun, but when he went through a rough patch Id comfort him night after night, nearly every night, giving him paragraphs of advice, being gentle even when he was harsh with me. I did everything for him, gave him everything, even when my grades tanked I helped him instead of doing my homework. I gave him all that I was, and it never even mattered to him. 

I miss the girl i used to be, even with all that i'd been through, i had a spark. I knew that I had who I loved with me through the hard times, I'd still have myself and my few friends as everything tried to chip away at me. But when I let him in, and he did everything he did to me, I lost who I was. That girl died on the bathroom floor with slit wrists, bruised ribs, and nothing on her body but her tainted flesh. 

But I moved on, I broke up with him, stayed with him for all the days he was suicidal because he "loved me so much". I loved him, he was my first everything, but I hurt so much that I couldnt feel anything. The world felt cold, my insides felt foreign, my movements didn't seem like my own, and smiling was impossible. I went on with that feeling for two months. I attempted suicide twice and I lost count of how many times I hurt myself, not all the times left scars. He told me he'd kill himself and make me feel for what I did to him. He stared at me whenever he was around me, he'd follow me with clenched fists so I could never be alone in fear of what he'd do to me if ever he caught me defenseless. He had convinced me I was useless, disgusting, ugly, fat, dumb, an evil, hearltess monster. I thought I deserved everything he had put me through. Then, two weeks after the breakup, he started dating my best freind. I warned her, begged her to stay away, but she had feelings for him and I couldn't hold her back. He treated her perfectly same as me in the beggining, but he never began mistreating her like he did me. I checked everything and even talked to his therapist, he was on new medication and apparently "Andrea, you helped him so much." And even after the recognition from his theraist I was still nothing to him, he treated my friend like a princcess, what I had wished the man he used to be would've treated me like. 

A few weeks later he started calling me again, telling me I was the most important person in the world to him. H e was in my freind group and none of them knew what he did, so I had to pretend. He'd tell me he missed me, then the next day go back to hugging and kissing my freind. He would even make eye contact with me when he did it at times. I never confronted him on what he did, I never stood up for myself and it is tearing at my insides as if i've swallowed acid. I see him all the time kissing and hugging my best friend, and it hurts so much. I feel like im on the verge of tears everytime I see them, and yet I smile and tell them they look cute together, that feels even worse than anything phisical anyone has done to me. I miss him so much, he says hes changed but I only remeber who he was. People change but the base always remains the same. I dont want to be with him again, or at least thats what I keep telling myself. I've blocked him on everything, but I always see him at school or at my work, and I see some of the messages he sends me on instagram, he doesnt know I can see them but everyday he texts me sometimes something mean, but usually nice things, and it hurts even worse than before. I dont know what to do.