Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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chetlemon 03/08/2017

I've been a victim of an abusive sociopath for a very long time. Her technique is so passive aggressive and covert, so refined, malicious, controlling, but she is so calculated that there she has created a situation where she has zero accountability and total denialbily. She is pathological to a point that I don't know what the truth is anymore. I recently stumbled upon the term GASLIGHTING and realized I

DebraLeah 03/08/2017

chetlemon I'm sorry you're going through this. Not sure what I went through was the same because it's unclear if the person was intentionally gaslighting or not. It could have been just a bizarre perverse sense of pleasure. Whatever the intention, the effect was debilitating.
Trusting my judgement that it was Gaslighting was a beginning.
Please try to be gentle and kind to yourself. It's not your fault. People like that can be predatory.
Learning to believe in my Intuition was my way out.
Also, educating myself about Behaviour Modification became a tremendous tool. I didn't originally learn the behavior modification to address human behaviour. Have always been interested in animals and some about Positive Reinforcement were also jokingly applied to other relationships.
Hopefully, this is a beginning to the road of confidence for you. Congratulations on giving yourself the gift of connecting. So helpful, in my opinion.

Paintbynumbers 03/08/2017

I have experienced gaslighting. Set up in many ways that have only become clear in hindsight of leaving the relationship. 'Crazy making' is a general term for this kind of covert manipulation and mind games which include very intentional tactics like "gas lighting" and "word salad" as a way of gaining power and control. As a victim it feels like you are 'crazy' and misreading (or perhaps not) situations. The abuser will also inform you that you are wrong. If you need someone to talk to send me a message. Debra is right though, sticking to your intuition and what your gut is telling you is best. If you feel like you have been set up, get some space and think about getting out of the relationship if possible.

wsmith 03/08/2017

They are projecting on to you what they are feeling about their own insecurities. Every time my husband engages in gas lighting to me now, I just remember each thing is about him. HE is actually the crazy one. HE is actually not a great parent. HE is actually not a great spouse. HE is actually mean. HE is responsible for our failing marriage. None of it is me. None of it is you.

DebraLeah 03/08/2017

Yes, as Paint says "crazymaking" behaviour and projecting onto others. I make sure NOT to rely on them to confirm our impressions. Rather, I pay attention to see if their words and their behaviour measure up. They're never likely to admit to anything! So, confronting lies has never worked in my experience.
Also, I agree with Wsmith. When I remember that whatever they're saying is really about them, it's given me incentive to get the heck out of there! Of course, it's important to plan carefully. Usually, when they know what you want, they'll do the opposite.
The best approach that I've found is to begin to carefully set up strong boundaries. Starting simple with ones I can win, helps a lot. Ones that they really don't care about. Making it all about me - so it's non-threatening. Most important person to convince is myself - about my own limits and boundaries. Getting really clear when I've had enough of something!
What seems to work, is that we become more trouble than we're worth to someone only looking to us as an energy source - whether conflict or attention. Either seems to work for them.

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