Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, I had an emotional affair, that started at the end of 2011, but I still have feelings for that man. Well, I don't really know if it was an emotional affair, because we never discussed feelings, only some neutral topics (like my artistic interests, etc.), and he completely severed any personal contact with me as soon as his wife found out that we were friends (yes, we were and still both married). But, we had to continue to work together until I quit my job recently in July. Bur, the strong chemistry between us over the years remained, even though we didn't technically "speak to each other" anymore. It was torture, and especially for me, I have honestly never felt that passionately about a man, ever. Before he showed up, I used to think that something was not right with me, that's how much sexual desire was completely absent from my life.
My husband was just absolutely unbearable since about 2010, and he was in school, had health issues, so me getting out of the marriage was just not an option. Yes, it was wrong to reach out to someone else, but it actually didn't even start that way. We just used to work together, he is actually a very shy and introverted person, and somehow we got closer to each other and very comfortable to open up. He is also in a verbally abusive marriage, not because he told me, but because i heard how his wife was yelling at his during a cell phone conversation. And he did drop a couple of little, innocent enough complaints about his marriage, like "I have been accused of not communicating", "I would be in trouble if I did that", "If i want anyone to come with me on a camping trip, I better have a camper", etc.
Last year in August I was going to call it quits with my marriage, but we reconciled. When we did, in October, I told my husband about my feelings for this other man. My husband is very jealous, even though I was never unfaithful to him. I wanted him to see that there is no reason I would ever have any physical relationship with any man, other than him, because 1. I have feelings for someone (who doesn't event talk to me, so physical contact is completely out of question), and 2. even the one I had feelings for couldn't get me to go that way (we went out for lunch one day and I was so nervous that I couldn't talk or eat). I also told my therapist about my feelings and she felt that it will be a blockage towards me developing feelings for my husband again. She said that it would be almost better if I was on the prowl looking for someone because right now I can't feel anything for my husband, yet I have this fictional unfulfilled perfect love in my mind that doesn't let me move on...
So, basically, I'm stuck emotionally and physically. I'm trying to get that other person out of my mind, and trying to have feelings and desire for my husband again. Not happening. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't even come close to the perfection I have seen in this other man. I would love to hear any thoughts on this...
My husband was just absolutely unbearable since about 2010, and he was in school, had health issues, so me getting out of the marriage was just not an option. Yes, it was wrong to reach out to someone else, but it actually didn't even start that way. We just used to work together, he is actually a very shy and introverted person, and somehow we got closer to each other and very comfortable to open up. He is also in a verbally abusive marriage, not because he told me, but because i heard how his wife was yelling at his during a cell phone conversation. And he did drop a couple of little, innocent enough complaints about his marriage, like "I have been accused of not communicating", "I would be in trouble if I did that", "If i want anyone to come with me on a camping trip, I better have a camper", etc.
Last year in August I was going to call it quits with my marriage, but we reconciled. When we did, in October, I told my husband about my feelings for this other man. My husband is very jealous, even though I was never unfaithful to him. I wanted him to see that there is no reason I would ever have any physical relationship with any man, other than him, because 1. I have feelings for someone (who doesn't event talk to me, so physical contact is completely out of question), and 2. even the one I had feelings for couldn't get me to go that way (we went out for lunch one day and I was so nervous that I couldn't talk or eat). I also told my therapist about my feelings and she felt that it will be a blockage towards me developing feelings for my husband again. She said that it would be almost better if I was on the prowl looking for someone because right now I can't feel anything for my husband, yet I have this fictional unfulfilled perfect love in my mind that doesn't let me move on...
So, basically, I'm stuck emotionally and physically. I'm trying to get that other person out of my mind, and trying to have feelings and desire for my husband again. Not happening. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't even come close to the perfection I have seen in this other man. I would love to hear any thoughts on this...
I think your issues in your marriage go beyond this guy you're thinking about. I don't know the context of your conversations with your therapist.....from having been in a lot of therapy myself, supporting a bf and daughter through a lot of therapy, I would be inclined to say this guy is a "symptom" of more deep rooted issues, not "the issue." I would also be included to say if you worked through these more deeply rooted issues, like your feelings regarding sex-which probably go back to childhood development, and your issues with the abuse you suffered by your husband and continue to suffer (although I know it's gotten less overt and he's trying to make amends to the best of his limited ability to do so) you would forget about this guy-you'd have other things to be working through that are related to why you found him so ideal and can't forget about him. Dealing with those issues would be much more consuming.
Often we have subconscious reasons why we are attracted to people. I believe (and I know many will groan reading my theory-probably you too, because it's so unromantic) we choose people on a subconscious level that have to do with our own unresolved issues. They either have traits we admire and wish we could have-so by "having" this person we are closer to those traits we want for ourselves, or they have traits that appear to be missing from our lives, like acceptance, or strong communication,or they may have behaviors that one some level we know could be a catalyst for change for us, like someone who doesn't do boundaries when this is the skill we need to create in ourselves. Or some combination of the above. When relationships are healthy, our partners help us with these things about ourselves, and we grow together. When they are unhealthy we practice the same unhealthy patterns on some level we know we need to break.
So I think there are some of these kinds of reasons why he is so attractive to you, and that is also why you don't need resolution with him to move past it-if you find your own resolutions to the root issues-these root needs that this longing will go away.
I do agree with your therapist in that when we are first attracted to someone there is always a degree of idolization that goes on. It's easy to idolize traits in someone we admire, for whatever reason, when we don't have the day to day challenges and stressors that challenge what these traits mean and how they play out in real life situations.
I don't know if that is helpful in any way-but those are my thoughts-for what they're worth.
I got attracted to this guy while working with him(and mind you, al this happened 3 years ago and I still think about him daily!). Now, I worked with A LOT of men, and never had this kind of reaction. Yes, he has many attributes that make me view him as the complete package (wisdom, kindness, strength, calmth, intelligence, etc.),, and it was because of these attributes that he was able to get so much under my skin.
Secretly I am afraid that I will never want an other guy again, as, this is just so rare for me!!! But, I hope that's just nonsense.
I am very involved with myself, intellectually (reading,w rioting, music, philosophy, etc.), and I was asking my therapist if that is okay. Everyone always says to look inside ourselves and be happy there...well, I am so darn happy being there that I will probably never venture out into a relationship again. Which is why I am so shocked that someone caught my eyes and attention this much.
So, be as it may in my marriage, but really, is there any reason for me to leave, when I don't want anyone else (or him), and I will probably never will. He has been really trying hard and is willing to let me coach him towards a peaceful family life, so, why rock the boat? It's not like i feel a void for anyone else, other than this man that I will never see again. I don't think i am very romantic, I think I can live like this, I am just so puzzled. And I do feel bad for causing his wife possible pain, I actually think about that a lot.
Only you can know your situation, and what it will take to resolve this "puzzlement" as you put it. I hope this is what you are working on in therapy-I think that would help you the most. I hope the focus is not on convincing yourself of any one thing........I'm just being honest with you because you invited comment, and only want the best for such as giving, smart lady.
No, I stopped therapy. Why hear event rom them that it sure would be better if I could make things work...
You are a smart cookie yourself :-), I do practice avoidance...
I just wish I could be on my own, just so I could be simply myself. But, that would hurt so many people, including my children.
All these people who want to tell you what to do can't live your life for you. Only you can do that. You are the one who has to wake up every day and carry your own burdens, find your own joys, and someday on your death bed look back over you life and come to terms with your regrets, or accept the life you choose. Your children, based on the legacy you left, will have to try and find their own way in the world. Their lives will be made up of far more than their childhoods-that is only a foundation they will build on whatever they want for themselves-and even foundations can crumble.
I've made my own choices based on what I could live with. We all have to do that-no one that gives me advise, has to live with the consequences of me taking that advise. I have to live with those consequences and take or leave their advise knowing that much.
Personally I think my kids were just as hurt by watching me shrink into nothing. My kids were surprisingly ok when we sserperated. And I know that my own parents should have split up long longggg before they did for everyone's sake. Dont let fear be ur guide.
Warm hugs
I'm just glad that my children have the idyllic childhood finally, they really have no clue. But...how much longer can we live like this? I don't know. I also fear that I will never have any interest in guys. I had an unhappy marriage for decades, I was always surrounded with guys, and never was I tempted, even in thought. Sexual interest was completely turned off in me. I think this is why I am so surprised at actually looking at this other guy that way. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Being completely non-interested in that sort of thing, but then later being able to open up to someone emotionally and physically as well?
In fact, I try forcing it so much that I am starting to have health issues, such as migraines, body aches. I picked him up from the airport on friday, and then immediately I was attacked by a vicious migraine that is just now finally starting to let up. I was literally too weak to get out of bed for 2 days. He is downstairs making cookies with the kids, it is so unfair that I can't make myself be in love with him again. Yes, he is not perfect, but who is? Trouble is, even the smallest comments or gestures can set some bad memories off in me. Had the abuse never happened to me, I wouldn't even notice them, but after our history together, some little things just push buttons in me. This is a very difficult situation, indeed. So much so, that we were discussing separation yesterday, this is hard on both of us. But, to break our family and walk away from maybe achieving balance again...I don't know.
By the way, I do not trust faith based counseling, I'm sorry. I just had very bad experiences with them.
Personally I believe there is a difference between feelings and actions. Having feelings for someone isn't the same as cheating. Acting on those feelings is. Unfortunately, most people will tell you the opposite and equate feelings with actions, but I'm getting pretty fed up with public opinion these days. LOL
Oh, also, I talked to my counselor about it, and they said that most of their clients had actual physical affairs; it seems to be common for abuse victims because they aren't getting what they need from their spouses. I'm not advocating that, just saying that having feelings for someone else while being abused is common! Abuse is not love. ^__-