Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi everyone. I wanted to give a brief recap of my story and ask for your help in thinking through next steps. I'm very early in the separation process and having a hard time thinking clearly. I am currently interviewing counselors to help me but haven't found the right one yet.
After DH smashed a remote control on March 6, something snapped inside me. I started reading the Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and the light bulb came on. Somewhere deep down i had known a long time that I was in an abusive relationship, but I just couldn't string the pieces together enough to give it a name and take action.
After much back and forth and explosive fighting he finally moved out on 3/17 (with the help of my mom intervening because she lives here)
I offered many practical ways for him to get help and told him if he did the following things that I would consider possibly getting back together in the future. He pretended to be amenable but stalled and stalled and stalled until I decided that I'm done once and for all.
On weekends I have been meeting him in public places so he can visit with her daughter. I do this more for her sake than for his. I finally made it clear in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over and he's not going to change my mind.
He tried all the usual tactics of making excuses, trying to change the topic, trying to guilt me into staying. I told him three times "I'm not going to change my mind." He even repeated back to me that he understood I wasn't going to change my mind. But less than 5 minutes later, as I'm getting into my car he's saying "i want to ask you to give me another chance". I said "NO" Then my damn car battery wouldn't start and he was delighted to be in a position to help me. Luckily it miraculously started back up again, but he was still happy he was able to delay me.
Later the same evening he calls on the video chat to say goodnight to our daughter. As we're signing off he says "bye, I love you both"
He STILL DOESN'T GET IT!!. I cannot get it through his crazy, thick skull that it is over. I feel like he's going to stalk me for the rest of my life. In North Carolina you are not allowed to get a divorce for one year after separating. I can't force him to sign a separation agreement. I'm meeting with an attorney this week to see what other recourse I have to try to get custody of my daughter.
I'm at a loss - I am having a hard time staying strong and I really just need this to be over. he still calls our little girl on video each evening and he meets us on weekends and in his head we're some kind of happy little family. I feel like I"m losing my mind whenever I try to deal with this man. He literally has zero understanding of boundaries. He does not understand the meaning of the words "no" and "stop."
Please tell me what you would do in this situation.
After DH smashed a remote control on March 6, something snapped inside me. I started reading the Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and the light bulb came on. Somewhere deep down i had known a long time that I was in an abusive relationship, but I just couldn't string the pieces together enough to give it a name and take action.
After much back and forth and explosive fighting he finally moved out on 3/17 (with the help of my mom intervening because she lives here)
I offered many practical ways for him to get help and told him if he did the following things that I would consider possibly getting back together in the future. He pretended to be amenable but stalled and stalled and stalled until I decided that I'm done once and for all.
On weekends I have been meeting him in public places so he can visit with her daughter. I do this more for her sake than for his. I finally made it clear in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over and he's not going to change my mind.
He tried all the usual tactics of making excuses, trying to change the topic, trying to guilt me into staying. I told him three times "I'm not going to change my mind." He even repeated back to me that he understood I wasn't going to change my mind. But less than 5 minutes later, as I'm getting into my car he's saying "i want to ask you to give me another chance". I said "NO" Then my damn car battery wouldn't start and he was delighted to be in a position to help me. Luckily it miraculously started back up again, but he was still happy he was able to delay me.
Later the same evening he calls on the video chat to say goodnight to our daughter. As we're signing off he says "bye, I love you both"
He STILL DOESN'T GET IT!!. I cannot get it through his crazy, thick skull that it is over. I feel like he's going to stalk me for the rest of my life. In North Carolina you are not allowed to get a divorce for one year after separating. I can't force him to sign a separation agreement. I'm meeting with an attorney this week to see what other recourse I have to try to get custody of my daughter.
I'm at a loss - I am having a hard time staying strong and I really just need this to be over. he still calls our little girl on video each evening and he meets us on weekends and in his head we're some kind of happy little family. I feel like I"m losing my mind whenever I try to deal with this man. He literally has zero understanding of boundaries. He does not understand the meaning of the words "no" and "stop."
Please tell me what you would do in this situation.
for taking steps
toward living
abuse free.
You have done many of
the things I would do, in
your situation. You're
meeting with a lawyer
and you're looking for
a counselor.
In addition, (and this
may help with many
of your questions),
I'd contact your state's
coalition. Here are the
numbers:
919-956-9124
888-997-9124
They may be able to
help direct you to a
qualified therapist
and also possibly
a lawyer specializing
in this area. You
may actual be able
to get some counseling
through their office, at
least to start on your
journey.
Since you say that
you're having a hard
time staying strong,
I'd suggest you try
doing my Clarifying
Index Card exercise.
Also, I'd focus on
practicing meticulous
self-care.
Finally, try to accept
that this is your husband
"doing his thing." He's
never going to get that
he's doing these things
and that doing these
things are unacceptable.
That's the bottom line.
He doesn't understand
boundaries, "no," "stop"
or anything else.
Good for you, for setting
out on a better life.
Sending hugs and
wishes for safety,
healing and happiness
for you and your daughter.
they are damaged, beyond repair, forget figuring it out, it only leads to more questions and will drive you insane which is his intention
you already are in charge, one step ahead, you know the game, dont play it
Stuff that wouldn't matter in other states can make a big difference there. I'd do as little taking to your stbx (soon to be ex), until you see the lawyer.
If it were me, I would document everything I could. Especially when it comes to custody issues & supervised visits. Journals w/dates & times & details of arguments, unfulfilled promises to get help/change/stop certain behaviors/etc, incidents of any kind of abuse, especially physical abuse (throwing/breaking a remote is considered physical abuse - see link below), especially when done in front of your daughter, etc.
Here is a thread that talks about the types of physical abuse, some of which at first glance, might not seem physical. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/18434377-examples-physical-abuse. Also, check out the comments because they add even more to the list.
Since you have a child and cannot do total No Contact, keep all communication in the form of emails or texts (more documentation). And only respond to things that have to do w/your daughter. Keep everything he sends you & has sent you. It may come in handy to show his behavior/abuse patterns, threats, intimidation, disrespect for your boundaries, lack of cooperation, etc.
When he does the video chat w/your daughter, stay in the room but out of the picture. Don't engage in conversation with him. And if you can, record it. If he thinks you're out of the room, he may say some things that he wouldn't say when he knows your there. Ask your attorney if its legal in your state to do that w/o stbx's permission. Many states allow it as long as one party [you in this case] consents.
~healing hugs~
I also talked to a counselor on the phone who has extensive experience with abuse survivors and emdr therapy, so I'm excited about that and hope she can help me.
The nightly video calls and weekend visitations are really the worst and I wish I had never let that start happening. I was just trying to be fair and reasonable and also to let our little girl see her daddy instead of cutting her off from him completely.
Unfortunately she's not even 2 years old so I can't leave the room when she's on the video call and he knows it. She's usually running around while I hold the phone up and he tries to talk to her.
I also unfortunately don't have anyone that could take her to the weekend visits. I have my mom but she's already watching my daughter 40+ hours a week while I work so I don't want her to be dragged into the weekend drama as well.
I met with 5 different lawyers before I was able to choose one. I felt like it must be me by the time I got to number 4, but 5 was notably different than the others & (even though he doesn't return calls in a timely fashion, in my opinion) I definitely made the right choice not to go with any of the others.
Go in with your questions, try to hear what they're saying & read their general tone as well. Take all that into consideration before you retain anyone.
I did like the attorney I met with on Wednesday. He seemed like a very principled and experienced person and he laid everything out very clearly for me and gave me all the options to think about. He said only I can make the decision but he thinks the best thing to do is to go ahead and file a suit for custody and child support.
The only problem with that is the most likely outcome is H would get every other weekend and split holidays, whereas right now I only have to deal with his nightly calls and brief weekend visits. It's torture for me to have to be there when he visits DD, but it's a lot better than the thought of him getting her every other weekend. So now I have to decide whether to stick with the status quo as long as possible, or go ahead and file suit just to protect myself from anything happening.
I think the strain on you having to deal with him every single night is a LOT. Having contact, of any kind, can throw you off every single time.
Think about what the lawyer you are favouring had to say. Keep looking for a good therapist that you can go over everything with as well & that might help you choose.
This is really difficult & scary to face, so you there is nothing wrong with you because you are struggling. Keep looking at the bigger picture, but make sure YOU are in that picture. Sometimes the outside guidance helps here, because you can't afford to completely sacrifice yourself.
I might be wrong, but he sounds like my STBX, who just a month ago said he was still holding onto hope for a reconcilliation. What? Might sound good to the lawyers, but it's BS. Not grounded in reality. Just keep yourself grounded, see the situation for what it's worth. I wish I had better advice, but just know there are people out here in the virtual world rooting for you!