It's not a matter of being "stupid" because you are obviously articulate and aware of the situation. Problem is you don't know how you'd function outside of this twisted set of conditions. There are scenarios within scenarios related to how he operates and keeps you "in your place." I think that a systematic, logical approach to these circumstances which mandates reviewing what you "get" out of continuing to endure this pain in contrast to what you "get" out of potentially not enduring it. Hey, any of us can live under conditions that others find unbelievable or intolerable to them. Again, what keeps you in it? This is what you need to ask yourself. When you determine what is gained by remaining as well as what is gained by leaving - your course of action will become more apparent.

Thank you for your insight. I know that I am afraid of being on my own. I have never lived alone and now I have a lot of responsibility and only a part time job. I have to figure out how to get over the fear.

Honey, I am telling you , Number one you are not stupid, you are abused and he has stolen your self esteem.

You are strong do not doubt this for a minute, although you might not believe me. You are strong because you are surviving this shit. He is weak because he seeks to control you with violence, because he is to ashamed to admit he is gay, and is hiding from himself.

It is very hard leaving , especially after the length of time you have been together, you have been conditioned into this type of relationship. and your self esteem is probably non existant.

I know as l was in a very violent relationship with my ex husband for 16 years, and could see no way out. All l did was live on adrelanin and tried to do everything to monitor what was going on in my relationship, and try to be ready for what he would dish out.

I made myself sick , l mean physically sick

Then one day l thought to myself, if l am scared in living with him, and scared of leaving, just scared of everrything all the time . I was so uphappy had, no friends, no family, no money, no job and three little boys.

I left .

You are alone now, but you are alone and controlled. If you leave you will be alone, but you have choices. I wish l could help you

You and most importantly your children will be so much better off if all of you leave. I dont mean to put stress on you with that comment.

But put a picture in your mind of you and your children, together in a happy place without him

Because it is possible, hard but possible.

Please contact a woman's refuge and tell them your situation.

Also , if you have done this , it is okay to leave and go back, leave go back, leave go back, because this is not failure, it is normal.

Because one day you will leave and stay that way, and be happy

The others are SO right. I also know what it is to be afraid. I was 40 when I left my ex, and I had never lived alone. I had lived with my parents, flatmates or partners my whole life. And now I had a baby as well. And only a part time job.

But the thing about fear is that the unknown is sometimes less scary than what you are living. I also lived in fear all the time, every day. And I never even realised that the worst loneliness I sometimes feel now is as nothing compared to the loneliness I felt with him.

You are not dumb in the head. Nor was I when I stayed in spite of what he was doing to me. Love and compassion are not stupid.

I can tell you that when I left, I stopped self harming and I stopped having panic attacks. Those two things alone are worth the fear.

Wow! My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain that you feel. I would like to encourage you to seek counseling and support. Read some wonderful books and have faith-practice your faith and the answer will come as well as the strength to follow. It's hard to leave. Many of us have been there but coming into this group is the first step in the right direction towards happiness. I pray for your wisdom, clarity, and guidance. Take care. But Hug.....

Sweetie ----

There is much wisdom here.

Please seek out a therapist to
support you reconstructing yourself.

You are a flower on the stem of the universe.

Sending you healing prayers.

Please take care of yourself.

Don't beat yourself up, it's called being human.

Focus on you, on taking care of yourself and moving forward in life. When you work on yourself, build up your psyche and self esteem it is easier to move forward and to let go of relationships that are harmful, abusive, and unhealthy.

You have a long history and children with this man, no wonder it's hard to move on. You are not trapped, and you can do and go where ever you want. Hugs to you hon for better days ahead...

I agree with the others but one thing I would be very concerned about is him bringing a sexually transmitted disease to me. If he is having internet relationships with men and watching gay porn I would not doubt that he has already taken it further. If you have family you can count on call them and formulate a plan to get you emotionally strong enough to make decisions for you and for your children's future. You can also call a shelter for advise and help. God bless you and know you are worth so much more than what this man has cornered you into.

I did the same thing, was worried about money, kids, etc. I stayed in the relationship that made me ill, sad, etc. it took me 2 years after I realized what was happening to me. YOu will come to a time when you know, this is it, I need to get out, no matter what. And YOU WILL make it! there is so much support out there and if you just have the Faith that you can do this, YOU WILL!!! yes, it will be abit tough at first, but the overall feeling you will have, is amazing!
Hang in there..I hope that day comes for you soon, if not for you, for your kids!

I continue to stay, why? He lost his temper tonight and was chasing after my boys. They were fighting and he started screaming at them and it turned into a very stressful night. I just want to run away and leave but I can't leave my boys here with him. My boys, my babies, are not happy or being loved like they should. I am a mess and am not being a good mom when all I can seem to do is cry or sleep. They deserve much, much better than this. I wanted so much more for them and pictured my life much different.

you need to get out asap ! Im shore there is a place you can go and take the boys with you ! Im sorry that you have to do this but less you have some place safe to stay you need to go to police station and they can give you the place you could go !

I wish I could come and gather you and your boys into my arms and take you to safety. I have a beautiful cabin where I could hide you till you get settled. But we are likely continents apart. Please heed everyone's advice and seek help at a womens shelter or where ever you can. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for those boys. No, it won't be easy, but life will get so much better for you all in the longrun. I wish so much I could just know how to help everyone escape. Hugs and you are strong and brave and YOU CAN DO THIS.

When he tries to kiss me, I want to run. This is not what a marriage is supposed to be is it? I do not want to be intimate with him and when I do give in, he can't perform for the last 5 times. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that he does not find me attractive. How did I get into such a screwed up marriage? Even my friends tell me that it is not healthy for me to stay, but I do. That is screwed up

best thing that ever happened to me what my best friend calling a dv center for me and getting me an advocate. Don't worry about finances, there are so many programs and agencies out there that will help with money, you can cross that right off your list. Focus on yourself, and once you are out and healthy, worry about getting on your feet financially. I'm sure your kids would rather be poor and happy with you than financially stable and miserable with your abuser. And make sure you tell your step daughter she is welcome in your home at any time, there is no need to sever that relationship. If your husband puts up a stink, call up his ex and arrange it with her, who knows, you guys may end up the best of friends trading stories about this jerk