There's an old trick where you tell someone "don't think about a brown bear". Of course, the only thing they can then think of is a brown bear, because that's their focus. The only way to NOT think of a brown bear is to actively think of something else.

Same with him. Trying to not think about him will never work. What will work (with time and practice) is to actively shift your thoughts to something else - family, happy memories that didn't involve him (childhood memories for example), things you want to do, etc. To start with, much of this thinking will still go back to him "Ooh, I'd love do to x ... but I wish I could do it with him" etc. Don't be hard on yourself when that happens, just keep practicing. One day you'll surprise yourself by going a whole day without thinking about him. Then a week. And so on.

+1 to what Livin said. Find something else to think about. I had to. I would watch stupid tv shows, work on hobbies, anything to keep my mind occupied. And it takes time. I also avoided places and things that would trigger bad memories.

Hon, what we resist persists. You are just now starting the grief process. Grief is the inward feelings. Mourning is the outward expression of those feelings. It is really difficult to heal if we do not mourn. It's very important for you to actively mourn your loss by expressing your thoughts/feelings out loud and VALIDATING them. Trying to stop them or get rid of them only causes them to be stuffed. And that's not healthy. If you allow them, they will release on their own as you express them. Honestly, the only way past the pain is thru it.

Liv's advice is good, but I believe it will be much easier to follow AFTER you are further into the grieving process. I would encourage you first to allow yourself to think of him &/or say his name or memories out loud. Cry, laugh, scream, etc. Honor those feelings. You've lost a lot and you can't heal until you release the feelings.

So please don't beat yourself up. Accept yourself for where you are. It will take as long as it takes. There is no 'right' amount of time to feel your feelings & remember your memories.

One day it will be better. It will happen slowly & you probably won't notice until one day you wake up and realize that you never once thought of him the previous day.

Hugs!

I totally agree and really don't have anything to add except my 100% support for you. Good luck, baby.
You can do this, I know it is hard.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't be so hard on yourself. I am just glad you and your children are safe. As time goes by, you will notice, you will stop bringing his name up. I know this is hard for you, but you can do it! Look how brave you have been, getting yourself and your children away from him. You are strong and courageous. Do not forget that. We support you. You are not alone.

Hey :)

Everyone has said such great things, I don't really have much else except the same in maybe different words.

Trying to 'make' yourself forget him will probably not work. You have to let time do that.

When I was just starting to get over being discarded by both parents, I cleared my house of anything they had touched (bearing in mind they never actually visited my place, it didn't amount to much; just stuff I had brought in with me) to try and extinguish their presence.

When everything was gone, I looked around at my flat, and it was true, there were no objects connected to them left in it.

There was just one problem: in actively trying to expunge all trace of them from my surroundings, I was still thinking about them in my mind.

Don't get me wrong, sorting through stuff and getting rid of material things that give you bad memories can be very valuable and cathartic! But once you have done that, your healing is not complete yet, and you still need patience with yourself.

Distraction really is the only cure. Go out or stay in, but DO something else. See friends, get involved in your kids' schooling or hobbies, etc. Maybe help someone else with something current for them, to take the focus off you and him?

And please PLEASE don't punish yourself if you do recall or say something. It's only natural that you will do that. And there is no time limit on how long it 'should' take you to feel better.

Sending good thoughts and hugs xx

Thank you all for validating these feelings for me. i feel lonely and like I'm doing all alone. trying to get my kids settled. keep my job. and support my extended family. it seems like everyone else's problems are bigger than mine. like they are thinking now he's gone forget him. its not that simple. i gave my heart and soul to this man. something i never done with anyone else. still because he cheated on me everyone hates him. i don't. I'm angry at him but i don't hate him. i am excepting its over and still missing him.