Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi,
I'm new here and this is my second post. I posted in an emotional abuse group, but I dont think anyone looks there...I hope you don't mind me posting this again, but I'm really looking for some support/advice and I'm not even sure if I belong here. I'm trying to make sense of my husbands behaviour and I'm not sure if what he is doing is classified as "abuse". It doesn't seem as bad as some of the things I've read so far, but I'm still confused.I'll give you some background information to start off with... we met as kids (13/14 years old) in junior high school and were friends up until high school when he moved to a different part of the city and ended up going to a different school. I hadn't talked to him since he moved. About 3.5 years ago I looked him up on Facebook and we began talking and realized we had a lot of things in common, and we talked over the next few days for hours and hours. I felt I had a real connection and feelings began to grow between us. He would say so many nice things and would make me feel so special, and I liked it. We dated for about 9 months then we eloped. We have now been married for almost 2 years and I've noticed some things that I don't think are quite "right".
First of all, he has anxiety and depression issues which he is being treated for with medication. When he has bad days, he sulks and becomes very distant, almost childlike. When I can get him to open up, he always says he's a failure and he can't provide for me properly and will not come up with solutions to fix these problems. It's almost like he wants to sulk and feel bad so that I will feel sorry for him. I looked up victim personality, and he seems to have all the characteristics of that. He also says that I'm the only person in his life he can trust, I'm the only person that will notice if he's dead or alive, and he's thought many times about killing himself but he won't do it because of me, but if I decide to leave him he would do it because nobody else cares, not even his mother (his mother has mental issues of her own, but that's another story).
I suggested him speak to a counsellor on his own, but he wont do that because they "don't help" and just "end up giving you drugs", plus the last counsellor he went to died, so he's refusing to open up to another counsellor because of that.We have just began marriage counselling (I insisted) and we have our second session in a couple of weeks. I have been keeping track of some instances that have occured over the last little while, which include him getting mad at installing an air conditioner and ripping down the blind from the wall (when I said "youre scaring me, why are you so angry?" he said "I'm not angry, the blind was stupid, I know what I'm doing and I won't break anything), making fun of me when I cry at certain parts of sad movies and saying "im just trying to have fun with you", when i go out with my friends he'll say "have fun and wear a condom", if I'm texting someone too much he'll ask "is that your boyfriend", giving me sideways looks and sighing when we go grocery shopping (like I'm bugging him, or like I'm in his way of looking at something?) to which he'll immediately deny when I say something about it... among other small'ish things.He also talks to his mother really rudely, and I'm afraid he'll start talking to me like that over time. For example, she asked him for a pack of cigarettes (she is on assistance and can't afford it) and will pay him back when she gets money. He said, "no you won't pay me back, you'll need the money next month. I just spent the last money I had on you until I get paid." I absolutely hate the way he talks to her. No respect whatsoever. I have mentioned it to him, but he just says "when you've lived with someone that has a mental illness like hers for as long as I have, you wouldn't have a lot of patience either". I would never talk to my mother and father like that, and I get so stressed out when I have to visit with his mother. The way he talks to her is so unacceptable to me, but according to him, I just "don't understand what he's been through".These are just some of the things I've been keeping track of as of late, and there are other things I'm not including, but am I overthinking things here?
Should I ask my counsellor to look for emotional abuse signs? Is this even emotional abuse? I just dont know... is there anything I can do?
I'm so confused.
Hon ------
You are living with a very
ill, very dysfunctional
emotional abuser.
First of all, feeling confused
is a typical indicator of there
being abuse or at least,
dysfunction, so it's no surprise
that you end by saying you're
"so confused."
What you've described
are some textbook
examples of both
dysfunction and abuse.
in what you've written.
His mental/emotional
state is a serious consideration.
You say he's being treated
but it doesn't sound like his
treatment is working.
Him telling you that if
you leave him, he'd have
nothing to live for and would
kill himself is not merely
really sick, it's an indicator
that he has no respect for
life ---- not his, but by
extension ----- not yours,
either. This is dangerous,
to both him, and also
to YOU.
His making fun of your
emotions is a defining
characteristic of
EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
By the way. . . . . if he's
"having fun" in his life
by HURTING YOU,
he's obviously violated
his wedding vows to you.
We don't intentionally
hurt someone we've
made promised to
love, honor and cherish.
His going into a rage
and ripping down the
blind has a name. It's
called,
SYMBOLIC VIOLENCE.
Notice that in the
description is
'violence,' which is
why you felt scared
(which is a good thing,
a good thing for your
continued survival).
The reason it's symbolic
is because while he did
not assault or attack You,
his violent action was a
clear message to you
that he's capable of
violence and his next
target could be you.
His being disrespectful
to his mother, the woman
who endured the pain of
labor to give him life, is a
pretty clear indication that
he has no regard for anyone
who might love him.
I could go on but rather than
that, I hope you'll look at the
thread I'll bump after I post
this, on abusive relationships
and couples counseling.
Regarding your question
asking if there is anything
you can do. . . . . . . .
There is nothing you
can do for him.
There's a lot you can
do for yourself.
First:
DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second:
You are living with abuse.
Find your nearest women's
aid centre without delay
and talk to the people there.
Speaking to you from
halfway around the
world and without
you knowing me or
me knowing you, I'd
tell you what say to a
friend I knew and loved. . . . . .
Your life within this marriage
will, with a high probability,
continue to deteriorate in
quality. With ever increasing
speed, it will barrel downhill and
along the way, it will bring you
increasing pain, suffering and
existential misery. It may even,
eventually, endanger your life. . . .
because he has no regard for
life and if one day, he decides
to end his, he may well take
you with him.
In summary, you're being
abused in many different
ways, but certainly
emotionally.
Because of this,
couples counseling
is unlikely to provide
any benefit.
Go to women's aid
centre and get the
support of the people
and counselors there.
Do this ASAP and
whatever you do,
DON'T get pregnant!
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity, safety
and better days
ahead.
This makes me feel very anxious and you've opened my eyes to things I hadn't noticed or even heard of (symbolic abuse). I will research more on this.
I honestly don't believe that what he's doing is malicious. I think it is coping skills from a life of trauma. I believe he acts this way unconsciously to protect his wounded psyche. I believe in some moments he is able to see the damage he is doing - to me, to the relationship and himself by extension. He just doesn't know how to get out of the pattern. I realize now that the pattern may be foundational and will keep coming back. I don't think he would physically hurt me, but I almost wish he would so I would know what I'm dealing with 100%. Is that bad to say?
I do know that I am not to blame for his behaviour, that is on him. But this still sucks.
Thank you for your advice and I will seek additional help from the resources you mentioned.
Abuse is no less abuse
because it's not "malicious."
It doesn't even have to be
intentional.
Yes. Most behavior patterns,
especially dysfunctional ones,
originally developed as "coping
skills" from prior trauma.
And while you'd like to believe
that he wouldn't physically hurt
you, you won't know that for sure
until he does.
Further, keep this in mind. . . . .
When people who have been
primarily emotionally abusive
end up hurting their victim,
it's generally not a black eye
or broken jaw. The typical
result of a historical emotional
abuser escalating into physical
abuse is what makes the news.
Picture the reporter with a microphone
interviewing a neighbor of some
person who's "snapped" and done
something heinous. The neighbor
typically says, "We had no idea.
He was always such a great guy!"
Regarding "Symbolic Violence"
check out this page:
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/intimidation-aggression
In the meantime, I have emailed our couples counselor and asked him to be on the look out for any emotional abuse signs at our next session. I have also asked him if he could refer me to anyone who specializes in emotional abuse in case he doesn't do that kind of counseling.
I felt very anxious about sending the email and thought that maybe I was making all this up in my head and the counselor would think I was lying. I had to remind myself that I need to know one way or the other regardless, so that put an end to that thinking (somewhat). I feel so messed up in my own mind right now that I have to reach out to people that I don't know, and who don't know me, to get some clarity. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've provided me with and the guidance to find out what I need to find out.. I just wish I could confide in the one person that is supposed to make me feel normal in a situation like this.
Thank you for helping me.
is an emotionally abusive one
is so difficult because it's like
getting a handful of fog. As
soon as you close your fingers
around it, it's gone.
I did something for myself
when I was trying to understand.
I developed an exercise, which
worked well for me and has
since worked well for others,
also. I'll bump it for you, when
I finish this. It's called
Ilene's Clarifying Index Card
exercise. Let me know if you
have any questions.
Everyday things come to mind and I write them down.. I don't know if some of the things I'm writing are "abusive" or not, but I'm writing it down anyway. I even remembered a little something when we first started dating:
A friend of mine got a new job with an investment company, and I invited him over because he needed new clients, and he wanted to go over some investment options. I didn't see any harm in it... My boyfriend (now husband) was sitting on a recliner, and my friend and I were sitting on the couch together going over his portfolio. My boyfriend packed up his stuff and said he was "going for a walk". After a while, I became suspicious that he wasn't coming back. I texted him and he said "you and your friend were ignoring me so I left so you guys could be alone."
I had no idea this was starting when we were just dating...
Anyway, I'm having a little bit of trouble with the main headings for the index cards.
Also, I wanted to ask if anyone else's "abuse" only happens when there is an issue/argument, or is it all the time, even when he's in a good mood or having a good day? I hope I'm making sense in that question...
Thanks again.
Please listen to others... my marriage just about killed me, literally. I actually ended up getting so depressed that I tried to commit suicide last February. In May I left. Then when he told me he wanted a divorce I tried again in October. He had so much control and power over me and my thoughts that on comment could completely ruin me. Please please please get out now, it will only get worse.....
back to you. There was a
period of time I simply
couldn't get on to D.S.
The Clarifying Index Card
exercise:
In regards to not being
sure whether to make
a card about something
but doing it anyway. . . .
that's exactly what I'd
have advised you to do.
In regards to "Category Cards":
Those generally emerge after
you've written a bunch of the
"Incident" cards, and you
begin to see patterns.
You described the rage
he went into with the
air conditioner, ripping
down the blind. Have
there been other times
when he's been violent
and scared you?
And his insecurity that
he's inadequate and
will be ignored, excluded
or left behind. Have you
noticed that pattern? (I
have, in what you've
described, so far.)
Addressing the question
about abuse during
"moods" or anytime. . . . .
If a person has a pattern
of being abusive it can
come out just about any
time, but will come out
more frequently and/or
with more intensity
when that person feels
frustrated, feels particularly
bad about them self or
feels envious, jealous
or victimized.
By the way, how are you doing?
I see your last entry was
almost two weeks ago.
Sorry for the delay in getting back.
I've been writing instances on my note cards, and I'm still doing it.
I've also been seeing a counselor to talk about things. My counselor doesn't seem to think my husband is emotionally abusive, which has me even more confused. He thinks that because my husband came from a very traumatic childhood, that his behavior is a way of him coping with situations.. almost like a form of PTSD.. so, next session my counselor is going to give me some techniques to help me deal with his behavior and help me find some ways to not feel guilty about my husband's choices in how he reacts to things... I'm not in charge of his happiness so to speak.
So that's where I'm at... still as confused as ever since I can't even get a so called professional to see any emotional abuse...
I'll see what next counseling session brings and if I'm still confused (after 5 meetings already) I'm going to request a different counselor.
Thanks for checking up on me :) Hope all is good in your part of the world.
Your counselor is half right
but also, simultaneously
very WRONG.
Dysfunctional behavior patterns
ARE a way of his coping with his
traumatic childhood. Yes.
But that does not negate
that those behaviors
are ABUSIVE.
If you can tolerate living
the rest of your life being
abused, then "dealing"
with his abuse will
definitely be in order.
Keep in mind that over
the years and the decades
ahead, as the limited
days of your life tick off
and drain away, his behaviors
will become increasingly intense
and increasingly difficult to
deal with. You will watch
your hopes and dreams of
happiness and contentment
drain away, week by
week, month by month,
year by year. One day
you will wake up, looking
at being sixty years old.
On that morning, how
will you feel about having
"dealt" with your husband's
dysfunction, your entire
adult life? How will you
feel that morning, looking
at the decades gone by,
knowing that the decades
ahead are now limited to
possibly two, maybe
two and a half. . . . .
with a lifetime of
unfulfillment behind you?
I suggest you keep
writing out those
cards. At some
point down the road,
read through the pile,
one by one. Then
read through the
pile again, and again.
After you've done that
for awhile, ask yourself
if that's what you want
your emotional legacy
to be? a pile of pain?
That's why I named the
exercise, the CLARIFYING
Index Card exercise. . . .
because ultimately the
pile you generate will
help you decide whether
to stay or go.
I also think it may be
useful to try another
therapist. Hopefully
the next one will have
a better understanding
of what constitutes
emotional abuse.
For the record, I'm a
clinician, having earned
my credentials over
25 years ago. . . . and
I am NOT confused.
Sending you hugs.
Take good care.