Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello friends :)
I've been divorced from my abusive ex since february. For those that know me, we were in-house separated (because he refused to leave) for almost 2 years. Ive been in therapy over 2 years. I feel good. I worked very hard on building myself back up. My girls (10 and 4) were adjusting to the divorce. I mentioned that and reached out for advice. Ive been talking to them and validating (mostly the young one) her feelings when she gets sad and starts saying she misses daddy. I know it's lot for them to take in. Their world was shattered. I got in touch with a therapist to see if she can also help them in ways I may be missing.
I felt ready to want to meet someone. And I did :)
I was very guarded at first. Was looking for red flags at every turn. Talked about him with my therapist to be sure I wasn't missing anything. We have taken things super slow. Everyday that passes I feel more confident in my decisions and with myself. I will not take any crap from anyone.
We talked/texted for 2 months before I agreed to meet him. He is also divorced with 3 children (23, 18, 14) His wife mistreated him and he tried for years to make things work for their kids. She then one day up and left him and the kids. Just walked out. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. We connect on levels I never knew existed. I'm not in a fog. I am not just in need of someone. I do however, want someone... him. We seem perfect for each other. He is the polar opposite of my ex. In every way possible. We are very open and honest with each other and communicate all the time about our feelings, the future, and our pasts. We emotionally compliment each other and feel our paths crossed for a reason and we realize how lucky we both are to have found each other.
Ive met his children just recently... We've been together since October. He waited for them to ask to meet me. He is very patient and we agreed not to introduce him to my girls until I feel the time is right for them. So we only see each other alternate weekends and Wednesday's - when the girls are with their father.
Here is my problem... My family. They are giving me grief over the time I spend time with him. It's disheartening,.. I haven't introduced him to them yet. We are just getting to know each other over the "4 seasons" as my therapist suggested. We are both divorced, have to juggle work, our children schedules, our exes schedules, and time for ourselves... then time for us. My family doesn't get that. My mom was married for 32 years until my dad passed away. My sister is married for 17 years now. They don't get the divorce. They don't get the divorce from an abusive relationship. To have to live with that. Then when you meet someone who you feel was meant for you... you want to enjoy every moment you can get. We live about an hour away form each other and will always make time for each other.
I get a very bad feeling when my family gets angry saying I'm jumping into another relationship, I'm not seeing them, etc.
But thats not true. I took this VERY slowly. My marriage starting dissolving over 4 years ago. Then we were separated for over a year before I met my boyfriend. I see my family with the girls ever other weekend and some nights during the week during the summer. During the school year it's hard to go see my family during the week because of school, homework, etc.
I get the silent treatment from them. They don't answer my texts or make snide remarks like.. Oh you're with him again... have you forgotten about your family?? We were here for you when you were going through your divorce!!...
Thats hurts. I am NOT choosing him over them. I see them both equally. They want to see me alone sometimes when I don't have the girls but I WISH they would understand how hard this is. I wanted to make my decisions if I like him and if we're right for each other before bringing family in.
Ive tried talking and explaining this to them. I told them as soon as I can have him meet the girls I wont have to separate and we can all see each other. I can bring him when I;m with the girls and have them over to my place or go and see them. I just wish they would be patient and give me the peace and breathing room for my alone time - and not judge me for how I spend it. I do have time to myself when the girls aren't around. But I also choose to spend time with him as well.
Feeling so good when I'm with him or simply talking to him... but have that heaviness in my chest when it comes to my family. The thing is, I recognize that feeling of being around negative people.. and I won't stand for it. I tell them this is how it is. I don't apologize for my choices. It's my life. I have lived way too long putting other people's feelings first... and i won't do it anymore. My family is pushing me away.
I've been divorced from my abusive ex since february. For those that know me, we were in-house separated (because he refused to leave) for almost 2 years. Ive been in therapy over 2 years. I feel good. I worked very hard on building myself back up. My girls (10 and 4) were adjusting to the divorce. I mentioned that and reached out for advice. Ive been talking to them and validating (mostly the young one) her feelings when she gets sad and starts saying she misses daddy. I know it's lot for them to take in. Their world was shattered. I got in touch with a therapist to see if she can also help them in ways I may be missing.
I felt ready to want to meet someone. And I did :)
I was very guarded at first. Was looking for red flags at every turn. Talked about him with my therapist to be sure I wasn't missing anything. We have taken things super slow. Everyday that passes I feel more confident in my decisions and with myself. I will not take any crap from anyone.
We talked/texted for 2 months before I agreed to meet him. He is also divorced with 3 children (23, 18, 14) His wife mistreated him and he tried for years to make things work for their kids. She then one day up and left him and the kids. Just walked out. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. We connect on levels I never knew existed. I'm not in a fog. I am not just in need of someone. I do however, want someone... him. We seem perfect for each other. He is the polar opposite of my ex. In every way possible. We are very open and honest with each other and communicate all the time about our feelings, the future, and our pasts. We emotionally compliment each other and feel our paths crossed for a reason and we realize how lucky we both are to have found each other.
Ive met his children just recently... We've been together since October. He waited for them to ask to meet me. He is very patient and we agreed not to introduce him to my girls until I feel the time is right for them. So we only see each other alternate weekends and Wednesday's - when the girls are with their father.
Here is my problem... My family. They are giving me grief over the time I spend time with him. It's disheartening,.. I haven't introduced him to them yet. We are just getting to know each other over the "4 seasons" as my therapist suggested. We are both divorced, have to juggle work, our children schedules, our exes schedules, and time for ourselves... then time for us. My family doesn't get that. My mom was married for 32 years until my dad passed away. My sister is married for 17 years now. They don't get the divorce. They don't get the divorce from an abusive relationship. To have to live with that. Then when you meet someone who you feel was meant for you... you want to enjoy every moment you can get. We live about an hour away form each other and will always make time for each other.
I get a very bad feeling when my family gets angry saying I'm jumping into another relationship, I'm not seeing them, etc.
But thats not true. I took this VERY slowly. My marriage starting dissolving over 4 years ago. Then we were separated for over a year before I met my boyfriend. I see my family with the girls ever other weekend and some nights during the week during the summer. During the school year it's hard to go see my family during the week because of school, homework, etc.
I get the silent treatment from them. They don't answer my texts or make snide remarks like.. Oh you're with him again... have you forgotten about your family?? We were here for you when you were going through your divorce!!...
Thats hurts. I am NOT choosing him over them. I see them both equally. They want to see me alone sometimes when I don't have the girls but I WISH they would understand how hard this is. I wanted to make my decisions if I like him and if we're right for each other before bringing family in.
Ive tried talking and explaining this to them. I told them as soon as I can have him meet the girls I wont have to separate and we can all see each other. I can bring him when I;m with the girls and have them over to my place or go and see them. I just wish they would be patient and give me the peace and breathing room for my alone time - and not judge me for how I spend it. I do have time to myself when the girls aren't around. But I also choose to spend time with him as well.
Feeling so good when I'm with him or simply talking to him... but have that heaviness in my chest when it comes to my family. The thing is, I recognize that feeling of being around negative people.. and I won't stand for it. I tell them this is how it is. I don't apologize for my choices. It's my life. I have lived way too long putting other people's feelings first... and i won't do it anymore. My family is pushing me away.
Sounds like you're making good
decisions in regards to moving
forward.
Regarding your family. . . . . . .
so very, very sorry.
Please continue to do
what's right for you.
If that means that some
or all of your family will
be missing out on your
life going forward, that
may have to be a sad
choice to make. . . but
look how far you've come.
You've made hard choices
that have brought you to
this day, in the interests
of self-care. You now
have a track record of
deciding your choices
for yourself.
Good for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all happiness
going forward.
They will have to learn to understand. They mentioned a few times about meeting him. They are concerned that for someone who means so much to me... Why didn't I introduce them. They feared he is controlling, like my ex... I assured them that's not the case here.
We planned to have him meet them in the next few weeks and hopefully they will see all the reasons why he means so much to me.
Please don't be surprised if once they meet him they don't "get it" right away either. They may be feeling protective of you and not understand the work you've done to make the right choices for yourself and see traits of your ex in your new man when there aren't any. If that should happen, it might help to be mentally prepared for it. With my husband-they came around in time. They LOVE him now. I found it so ironic that they never saw the control of me ex, but seemed to see it everywhere in a great guy who I was in an equitable relationship with!
I had my mom, sister and her husband over last weekend. My bf cooked a Guatemalan speciality. I can tell my sister had a bit of an edge to her. I glossed over it. My bf can hold his own and carried himself well. We had some laughs but I was nervous.
Afterwards I txted both mom and sis what they thought. Sis didn't answer until the next day with a measly... Yeah he is nice.
I talked to my mom. She explained how sis liked him but feels he's trying to take me away from my family. He clearly is not. She also has NO idea of all the self work I've done.
She is concerned that once he and I decide it's time to meet my girls that I'll want alone time w just the 4 of us so the girls can bond w him. And yes hat will happen. It's a process when you're blending families. But she has no idea about it.
She misses just times when she and I are alone. I get that. I miss that too. But I wish she was more genuinely openly happy for me. Because her actions and attitude is simply working against her and pushing me more away. But that's her choice.
It's going on a year that we have been together and we have never been happier with ourselves or with each other :)))
I'm going to keep moving forward because this is right. Im confident in my decisions.
I appreciate my sis being there during the last 3 years of my divorce and terrible times. I'm not just abandoning her now. I am simply growing and spreading my wings. I still want her and need her in my life. But she has to realize it will b in a different capacity. Im no longer her messed up project that needs help. I just want my sister / friend to share my new relationship and happiness with.
I'm glad your family has come around and accepts your relationship Can't74.... I long for that day too :))
Hugs ...,