have you contacted battered person advacacy in you area. They will help with real support to get the courage to keep him away. emotional abuse is just as bad and they have great advocates. good luck and take good care of yourself

You should consider an order of protection... it is free and easy to get. This should stop the stalking problem. Man, you have a lot on your plate but it sounds like you are on the right path. Keep your mind on the goal and do what you have to to stay focused.

You are stronger than you think. That is what is drawing him to you still. Claim it and keep it. :)

You ARE doing the right things.

Now try adding one more: a focus on self-care and self-development.

Self-love is different than selfishness. A selfish person has no concern for others. Someone with healthy self-love really cares about other people ---- after tending to the wellbeing of one's own center. Each of us is responsible for the wellbeing of our own center ---- even when we have children. That's why, in a plane, we're instructed that in the event the air masks come down, a care-giver should put on her or his own mask FIRST. And after that, the care-giver reaches over and sees to the proper putting on of her/his dependents masks. This is not selfishness. It's the way self-love spills over its edges and helps everyone.

If you begin building your self-love, self-care and healthy boundaries, you'll be able to move on with your life and let your ex move on with his. Also, you won't be susceptible to the next dysfunctional, damaged person looking to attach to someone.

My best wishes and prayers are with you. Take good care, and be well.

Yeah, you need the drama out of your life. Consider a restraining order it documents and draws the line. Be strong, and refuse all contact with him. It is the only way.

Hugs to you for your pain...

You're not alone..just remember that. I am the same as you..my husband talks down to me and treats me like dirt 98% of the time, and when he is 'nice'..I forget all the bad stuff, because it makes me feel like he needs/wants me.. It never lasts long though, and I am back to feeling miserable and hurt. He also lacks compassion. In his sick mind, there is nothing wrong with him..it's all ME...my doing..my fault etc.. I look forward to a life free of this although it will take some planning and time. I'm working on it. In my mind I hope that he will regret how he drove me away, but I also know that he probably really won't care...he'll just find a new victim... he's had many in his life before me. Our 2nd anniversary is in 2 days..and I'm dreading it.
Hang in there!

Have your friends load your voicemail with recordings so that it will not record any more. Block his number.

There are a couple of books out that might help you. "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, then his book "The Mastery of Love". Another book that will help is "He's Just Not That Into You". It was a book that made me angry at first, but then when I realized it was just being honest and truthful about the situation, I was glad I read it. That one was a real eye opener.

It looks as though you and your recent ex will take any kind of attention - good or bad at the moment to keep a relationship brewing. Neither of you have stopped the relationship, it is still thriving if you are communicating, even if it's through yelling at him.

Make a clean break. You deserve better.

Love & Hugs, Stephanie

He is leaving me alone today, which is hard - I mean there is tons of loss there when someone I love treats me bad enough for me to want them to stay away. I get caught up in the cycle of trying to explain, for having taken abuse, like I am somehow to blame, like I have internalized it as a way of coping in my past, and what helps is to know I have done nothing to deserve it other than stay connected somehow.

I have gotten restraining order for a past relationship. I already mentioned it to this ex, and said I could and that I don't want to do that.

I really love "he's just not that into you" I need to buy his other book "it's called a breakup because it's broken". "the 4 agreements" is also good - thanks for the suggestion.

I think if I had a lot of girlfriends to fill my phone with messages, I would not have fallen into the trap of an abuser. I have online friends and many aquaintances, but not really any close friends - he was my best friend, and I haven't replaced him.

Thanks for your feedback.

I want to correct something you said in your reply. "He was my best friend." Telling yourself this isn't going to help you and there is not way ti can be true. I believe you felt as if he was a friend, but an abuser is a deceiver who preys on the neediness of others to get them stuck and keep them there. It is not friendship, it is manipulation pure and simple. It is destructive and it hurts. People, women, who want desperately to be loved and needed are vulnerable to this type of men and it is very hard to learn to see it coming and make better choices in relationships but you CAN DO IT. You are making some wonderful choices now in seeing an abuse counselor, al-anon, etc. Just listen to them and do not give up or give in. The best thing you can do as far as he is concerned is to 1) get that restraining order, 2) make sure it is enforced, and 3) aviod getting involved in any other relationships for a while until you go through the therapy you need to identify what keeps you choosing abusive relationships and learn to make safer choices.
I know it is hard and you have all my support and empathy, as I have been right there with you. You can and deserve to have safety and happiness. You are on the right path. See it through.

One of the things that helped me was to realize that by staying with the abuser, (physical or verbal), I was trading places with him. I was becomming my own abuser then. Kind of like knowing that if I go into a certain bar that once I go in there that someone will attack me. If I go in there knowing it's going to happen, I set myself up. I had to learn to love myself more than loving the abuser. That was hard for me at first. I seemed to love them much more than I loved myself. Just that in itself gave them power over me.

My "picker" was (is) broke. I seem to find a way to subconsciously pick the ones who have a neon sign over their head saying "abuser" but I don't see it.

I'm praying I'm getting better at seeing the signs though.

I used to somehow judge the value they saw in me or how much they cared about me by what happened after the break up. If they didn't demonstrate that they wanted me back, somehow it made me feel like they really didn't care that much. (Which probably wasn't true - but that's how my sick mind used to see it.)

I had to learn to love myself enough to walk away and shut the door (tightly) so that they didn't get an edge in. When ever I let them have the tiniest crack in the door I was saying 2 things. 1) I cared about them more than I had respect for myself and 2) that I wasn't done.

One time I even recorded their name on my phone as "insanity" so that when it rang my phone would say "telephone call from insanity"...which is what it would be if I answered it. Insane on my part.

Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Somehow I thought there was something I could say or do that would "wake them up" or help them to want to change. Maybe it was during the relationship or maybe it was in my leaving...somehow they would realize what they lost or almost lost and they would want to change. But it didn't happen. And I got out.

I'm glad you're out too...and I hope you can shut the door so that you can be your own protector.