Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi DS family
I have been divorced for over 14 months and separated for almost 2 years prior to that from a mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive man. We were together for 24 years and adopted 2 little girls now 10 and 4.
I was in therapy since prior to becoming separated and continue to see my therapist today.
I have come a long way in my healing. A little over a year ago I met a man. He is everything my ex was not. We took things extremely slowly and I was very cautious. There are no problems with us.
But I tend to still get triggered at times. I just went through another trigger that brought up all the years of me feeling inadequate and like a loser. It was not brought on by my boyfriend. I conjured it up in my head myself over a broken vacuum cleaner that I couldn't fix. I know that must sound trivial but my feelings are very real.
Why do I let my ex's words still creep into my mind and screw me up?
I know the best advice in dealing with an abuser is NC. But that is impossible because we have children together.
Whereas he "appears" like father of the year in public - sticks to the visiting schedule, attends school meetings/functions, etc - behind closed doors he still verbally and mentally abuses me especially by gaslighting me and with his passive/ aggressive behaviors. But nobody sees this. Ever.
How do I deal with this ongoing behavior? I try my absolute hardest to only text / email him. But when he gets mad and has something to say he will blow up my phone and corners me when he comes to pick up the girls for his visits.
It's so hard and saddens me that I can't fully get a "fresh start". My boyfriend talks about moving our families away from here to get a clean slate. He too is divorced and has custody of his 3 children. He understands I was abused and it sickens him that my ex still gets to me. But I can't just pick up and move the girls away. I continue to be very careful and shield them from the man he was to me. I feel they have a right and need to develop a relationship with him. I try to do right by them.
I just feel like I will forever be stuck. :((
I have been divorced for over 14 months and separated for almost 2 years prior to that from a mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive man. We were together for 24 years and adopted 2 little girls now 10 and 4.
I was in therapy since prior to becoming separated and continue to see my therapist today.
I have come a long way in my healing. A little over a year ago I met a man. He is everything my ex was not. We took things extremely slowly and I was very cautious. There are no problems with us.
But I tend to still get triggered at times. I just went through another trigger that brought up all the years of me feeling inadequate and like a loser. It was not brought on by my boyfriend. I conjured it up in my head myself over a broken vacuum cleaner that I couldn't fix. I know that must sound trivial but my feelings are very real.
Why do I let my ex's words still creep into my mind and screw me up?
I know the best advice in dealing with an abuser is NC. But that is impossible because we have children together.
Whereas he "appears" like father of the year in public - sticks to the visiting schedule, attends school meetings/functions, etc - behind closed doors he still verbally and mentally abuses me especially by gaslighting me and with his passive/ aggressive behaviors. But nobody sees this. Ever.
How do I deal with this ongoing behavior? I try my absolute hardest to only text / email him. But when he gets mad and has something to say he will blow up my phone and corners me when he comes to pick up the girls for his visits.
It's so hard and saddens me that I can't fully get a "fresh start". My boyfriend talks about moving our families away from here to get a clean slate. He too is divorced and has custody of his 3 children. He understands I was abused and it sickens him that my ex still gets to me. But I can't just pick up and move the girls away. I continue to be very careful and shield them from the man he was to me. I feel they have a right and need to develop a relationship with him. I try to do right by them.
I just feel like I will forever be stuck. :((
If you aren't already, limit all (or as much as you can) of your communication with him to email or texts where you can document everything. Then you will have specifics which you can take to your therapist. S/he should be able to help you come up with healthy healing ways to counteract the gaslighting, etc., while rebuilding your self esteem and 'erasing' his abusive messages that are stored in your memory.
~healing hugs~
PS, I am very happy for you that you have someone who loves you and treats you well.
I do spend a portion of my sessions discussing my ex. I feel much better when we don't have contact while could be a few days in a row. And if he tries to call I simply "decline" it. That makes me feel some sort of control.
Thank you for sharing in my happiness. I don't get much support from my sister. We were very close especially during the divorce. She was always there for me. But when I tried to get some space to work on myself and stand on my own, she got angry because I didn't see her as often. Then she really pushed me away when I met my boyfriend. She never asks about him. She feels he "took me" from her. I hate to say it but I'm thinking the relationship between my sister and I is abusive too :(
I talk to my therapist about that. She helped me see that. My sister was happy when I was there all the time and now as I try and stand on my own and do things with my girls alone to show them we are ok and will be fine, she is mad and/or jealous. That makes me sad. Because I wish she would be happy for me. It's even worse between us now that my boyfriend has met my girls. We try and get together with our kids and sometimes just him with me and my girls so we can start blending the families.
We talk of a future. A few years from now. We're putting our children's needs first. He's amazing. And it's tricky to blend families. My sister has no idea the stress of starting over. We already have our kids and exes in the mix. It's hard enough meeting someone and forming a relationship between 2 people - we have 9..! :)
My little one adores him and his kids. But my older one is quiet. She can see how happy I am and how wonderful he treats me. And yet I understand she's coming into a difficult age. I think she's frustrated that she has to go to her fathers every other weekend. But then he's always taking them fun places and buys them stuff. Every time he sees them. He's the typical Disney dad.
So many emotions.
The one thing I know for sure and will forever trust now are my gut instincts. And I like how I feel about myself when I'm around my boyfriend. So I choose to be with him as often as we can be. It will be sad if my relationship with my sister continued to become distant but it will not be from my doing. She's choosing to pull away and in doing so is pushing me away.