Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm sure I am not alone here.
Back with verbal emotional abuser boyfriend, honeymoon period.
Having difficulty about needing to tell domestic violence agency counselor this week at our appointment (and my sponsor.)
It's like, I HAVE to integrate what I am learning and know to be true and what this relationship is capable of, GOOD AND BAD.
They (counseling agency) are there to help me stay away, not to cope with him.
Back and forth back and forth and back, and he is doing better, and maybe if he had taken care of himself we wouldn't have gone through such hell. (or if I had LET GO)
Sometimes I feel like the counselor just puts it in the category of abusive relationship and I DENY and FORGET that the relationship is capable of this, because it can be GOOD.
Anyway I don't know. I suppose overall the relationship has been about 50/50 good/bad. I just know that this is where I am at.
I am a spiritual person and seek to live with unconditional love and forgiveness, and in doing this I seek to share God's love with others, and sometimes I forget that I NEED to love myself and choose for myself healthy situations and relationships. I am just not over him and of course seeing him, I would rekindle what we had not be "moved on" and "let him go".
I classify myself as a sex and love addict because I feel like I am addicted to the relationship, and this is a pattern in my life from early on.
Back with verbal emotional abuser boyfriend, honeymoon period.
Having difficulty about needing to tell domestic violence agency counselor this week at our appointment (and my sponsor.)
It's like, I HAVE to integrate what I am learning and know to be true and what this relationship is capable of, GOOD AND BAD.
They (counseling agency) are there to help me stay away, not to cope with him.
Back and forth back and forth and back, and he is doing better, and maybe if he had taken care of himself we wouldn't have gone through such hell. (or if I had LET GO)
Sometimes I feel like the counselor just puts it in the category of abusive relationship and I DENY and FORGET that the relationship is capable of this, because it can be GOOD.
Anyway I don't know. I suppose overall the relationship has been about 50/50 good/bad. I just know that this is where I am at.
I am a spiritual person and seek to live with unconditional love and forgiveness, and in doing this I seek to share God's love with others, and sometimes I forget that I NEED to love myself and choose for myself healthy situations and relationships. I am just not over him and of course seeing him, I would rekindle what we had not be "moved on" and "let him go".
I classify myself as a sex and love addict because I feel like I am addicted to the relationship, and this is a pattern in my life from early on.
Yeah that is a good point that he needs to change too, but I can't make him.
In domestic violence relationships, couples counseling is not encouraged because of the mind game playing. Part of emotional abuse is the discounting of the perception of the person being abused, and anyway one on one with a counselor experienced with abuse. Abuse is the issue.
I don't know I think part of my issue is the councel I receieve is not of a spiritual nature. I don't want to stay away and hold a resentment, you know (being in AA and MA I know resentments could take me out).
Thanks for the feedback.
As a spiritual person myself, I can understand what you are saying about unconditional love and all... really... But there is a difference between LOVING someone unconditionally (which can be done when you are separated from eachother too, love doesn't cease existance just because a relationship changes or ends)... so there is a difference between unconditional love and unconditional relationships.
I love my children unconditionally, but within our relationship, there are certainly conditions. Not conditions which cause me to give or withhold love, but conditions none-the-less. I love them if they treat me with disrespect. The love doesn't evaporate. BUT that does not mean I accept the misbehavior... and there must be consequences for bad behavior... Boundaries and consequences do not negate the validity of unconditional love... they simply offer the individual perameters of self-hood, if you will, and one should only allow others inside who show the proper respect for the individual. You have to preserve yourself, and show the person who is disrespecting you that, despite loving THEM, you also love and respect yourself enough to not accept certain behaviors which contradict your own self love and self respect.
Its great to be a giver. Ideally, you should partner with someone equally as much so... two givers meet eachothers needs and are satisfying to the soul. One giver and one taker.... well... thats just bound to run out of steam somewhere down the line. make sense?
I also believe in forgiveness... but forgiveness is coupled with repentance for a reason. And to repent means to turn away from the sinful way. If he says 'sorry' and does it again and again... well... how sorry was he really? And while your forgiving him is nobel, that doesn't make it wise if you create a trend of sending a message that you are easily taken advantage of.
I applaud your sentiments in such an unloving and unforgiving world. Just know that you don't have to be niave to be loving and forgiving. You can be wise without being cynical.
Aikijedi is right - you can love him though you are not with him. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you now accept his behavior, it simply means that you don't let the wrong that was done to you eat away at you any more.
I totally understand the mind games in couple's counseling. My now ex=h and I went to a pastoral counceling center after we separated. The counselor was an ordained minister, although he didn't have a church - he was a full time counselor. My ex-h was only willing to do enough work to get me back, and my counselor saw through that. My ex-h felt like he was a fraud because he didn't insist that I move back in. Even spiritual counselors are able to determine that sometimes a relationship is so toxic that it destroys the person, and that is not what God intends. God expects us to love and respect each other, but when one goes away from that, we are often left with two choices, one bad and one worse.
Odd my counselor had to cancel last week and again this week and I won't see her for 2 weeks, so now I lost the opportunity of "accountability" I need so much to keep, so thanks for the support here.
Admitting defeat. I am looking through rose colored glasses. I have a choice in this.