Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I thought i'd been doing really well recently. I've done a lot of reading on covert and psychological abuse and everything seems to be falling into place a bit more. I keep reading the signs over to remind myself of the things that relate to him. At the beginning of my grieving process i was almost convinced i was the abuser, now it's less frequent yet i still have periods of self doubt and severe guilt.. like i lose my judgement for a while. I wonder if i'll always keep needing reassurance and hope one day I'll be certain i wasn't to blame. These are some things i feel guilty about and wonder if it means i'm abusive when i'm feeling down (like today.)
- I was upset that he didn't want to see me one day because he'd spent about 4 days with his friends/family/ and on his own. I asked to see him and he said he'd let me know if he was free the next day. I said ok and it turns out he was free but made plans with his sister instead. When i confronted him about feeling hurt he didn't ask to see me instead because he hadn't seen me all week, i got : "You'll never be more important than my sister" "Yes boss, i thought i could make my own decisions but obviously not" "it's only a 4 days, not like it's been forever". I sometimes feel he's right and i acted obsessive about seeing him and maybe even controlling and like i was isolating him from his family.
- His flatmates were girls who he spent a lot of time with.. even went clubbing with. Yet when it came to me he sounded completely disinterested. He'd leave me waiting for a reply online because these girls were in his room. Once, one came in his room unattended and sat on his computer whilst i was on webcam. He borrowed an ipod off another girl too. When confronted he acted like he didn't understand my hurt and i felt like a crazy obsessive girlfriend. He asked why i was paranoid and said he'll have to meet new girls and sarcastically asked if he was allowed out of his room. He'd also give me short blunt answers when confronted. I sometimes wonder if i was out of order.
- He would rarely make plans with me and was always ambiguous. He'd "let me know if he was free" or "didn't know what time he'd be home" etc. When i confronted him he even said "he didn't know he was supposed to make plans to see me". This made me very insecure about the uncertainty of everything and i feel like i got very obsessive about seeing him. I'd be so uncertain and worried all the time and his disinterest in wanting to see me would just make me want to see him more. I wonder if wanting to see him as much as i could might have put him off.
- At a party we attended he was talking to another girl much more than me in a different language and passing notes. I felt excluded and along with everything else which had been building up, I was in tears and left on my own without informing him. I've read that this is abusive and often wonder if he's right and i am paranoid and jealous.
- I often wonder if the withholding affection, ignoring me, mentioning other girls wasn't covert abuse and just because he genuinely wasn't interested.
I'm venting again but it helps me to write it out so i can see it in black and white. Your comments are also always appreciated.
- I was upset that he didn't want to see me one day because he'd spent about 4 days with his friends/family/ and on his own. I asked to see him and he said he'd let me know if he was free the next day. I said ok and it turns out he was free but made plans with his sister instead. When i confronted him about feeling hurt he didn't ask to see me instead because he hadn't seen me all week, i got : "You'll never be more important than my sister" "Yes boss, i thought i could make my own decisions but obviously not" "it's only a 4 days, not like it's been forever". I sometimes feel he's right and i acted obsessive about seeing him and maybe even controlling and like i was isolating him from his family.
- His flatmates were girls who he spent a lot of time with.. even went clubbing with. Yet when it came to me he sounded completely disinterested. He'd leave me waiting for a reply online because these girls were in his room. Once, one came in his room unattended and sat on his computer whilst i was on webcam. He borrowed an ipod off another girl too. When confronted he acted like he didn't understand my hurt and i felt like a crazy obsessive girlfriend. He asked why i was paranoid and said he'll have to meet new girls and sarcastically asked if he was allowed out of his room. He'd also give me short blunt answers when confronted. I sometimes wonder if i was out of order.
- He would rarely make plans with me and was always ambiguous. He'd "let me know if he was free" or "didn't know what time he'd be home" etc. When i confronted him he even said "he didn't know he was supposed to make plans to see me". This made me very insecure about the uncertainty of everything and i feel like i got very obsessive about seeing him. I'd be so uncertain and worried all the time and his disinterest in wanting to see me would just make me want to see him more. I wonder if wanting to see him as much as i could might have put him off.
- At a party we attended he was talking to another girl much more than me in a different language and passing notes. I felt excluded and along with everything else which had been building up, I was in tears and left on my own without informing him. I've read that this is abusive and often wonder if he's right and i am paranoid and jealous.
- I often wonder if the withholding affection, ignoring me, mentioning other girls wasn't covert abuse and just because he genuinely wasn't interested.
I'm venting again but it helps me to write it out so i can see it in black and white. Your comments are also always appreciated.
He created an environment with you where you always doubt yourself. That's not healthy. Even tho you're out, you still have these doubts. That's sadly a normal after-effect of abuse.
If you aren't already in therapy, I urge you to find a therapist who specializes if recovery from abuse and PTSD.
Big hugs to you!!
The truth is that abusers ARE interested and they DO want to be in the relationship - but on their terms and for their reasons. We are in it for love and companionship and so on. They are in it for power and control.
He was TOTALLY interested. . . . .
in making sure he had you
as a victim.
He's CLEARLY a fully competent,
maniuplative abuser. DON'T take
that role on youself. HE"S the abuser.