Last night, I cooked a late dinner, we ate about 11:00 and I asked my 19 yr old daughter, to clean the kitchen. She said "you always tell me to clean up after myself" in other words she wasn't going to do it.
So I told her, "ok tell me this? when you cook and I tell you to clean up your mess after cooking, you tell me I tell you 'whoever cooks, doesn't have to do the dishes', when I cook and ask you to do the dishes, you tell me 'you told me to clean up after I cook so you clean up after yourself' which rule is it? Which one is the rule of the house?"
I threw my hands up in the air, and went into my room, she started hollering at me about getting my 15 yr old and my 12 yr old to do things, that they don't do anything, I told her they can't tonight because it's a school night and need to go to bed. She told me to cook earlier. I told her I was sorry I didn't but I had other business to take care of that eve and she told me you need to be here for your kids. I told her I am, if she was home instead of at her friends 90 % of the time, she would see that. Well she started yelling at me more, I was yelling at first and then I went into my room and calmed down and took some breaths and then i went to try and talk to her again.
She came out of her room and yelled at me and said I am trying to sober up, I am trying to go to school, and anything I do isn't good enough for you, you abandoned me, you threw me away, and kicked me out, and now I want to get help and you don't want to go with me, I need you there, your my mother, you need to be there with me.
the whole time I am standing there in wonder at how she is acting, yelling at the top of her lungs coming down the hall at me, I am standing there not sure what to do.
She tells me I need to go back in my room and shut up and just leave her alone! I am standing there, i tell her no, I am going to stand here and try and work this out with you, I am right here right now, I have been through counseling, and everything, and I think it's time for you to go on your own, I don't need to go with you, I think you need to heal yourself, and she came down the hall and pushed me in the room, and said " go in there with your a**h*le man and live your perfect life, and she tried to slam the door shut on me" I opened the door and "this is my house, you are not going to tell me what to do in my home, you are an adult now and need to grow up and take responsibility, maybe you need to move out and go on and live on your own."
It just went on and on. Round and around, I don't know when it finally stopped, but the house went quiet, and I finally went to sleep around 1 am this morning, I am at work now, she still at the house sleep, but I think she is moving out.
She also told me that I was the one who begged her to come home, and that she was at my house because she was fulfilling my wishes, and then I told her no, she said It was my son who begged her to come here and stay, because he didn't want to put up with my a**h*le, dumb a** man!
I could almost do this argument with my ears plugged, every year after february we do this argument. It stemms from her sex abuse, and I am the one at fault for her misery, I am the one who put the meth pipe to her mouth, and I am the one who depends on her, and she has to take care of my kids because i am off running after my man. and it's just a cycle we go through every year, and after we argue she tells me she is sorry , but if I would just do what she says, we would be ok.
I pay for the house, I am raising my kids, and I am supplying all they need and more. I have went through some depression, and anxiety, and it caused me to withdraw from my children, and I just worked and worked and helped people, but my children were left on there own emotionally for about 5 yrs, I am finally reconnecting with them, and it's been hard to mend its come far, with family support, and community counseling with my children, but my 19 yr old doesn't see all this, she is totally wrapped in her victimization, that she doesn't see the progress we all have made.
Us as a family want her there, but it makes the house chaotic, and she always tells us we don't want her, but it's the decisions she makes and the way she feels we all owe her things.
I really don't know if me going to counseling with her would help. I have been down this road with her, and it seems like she uses it to control me. I feel like I would go in there and I would be made out to be the abuser.
To me she has took the place of her abuser. I can't explain it how I have read it in sex abuse books, the victims get very smart with this. not by choice, but for survival. Manipulative. Her abuser, told her, if you tell, I will do this to so and so. So she keeps this terrible secret between her/abuser. and then later, she starts using against him, "if you don't do this for us, I will tell" And she get to swing it back at him. Then as the years go on, the abuser/victim have these games going on, and soon it gets to where the victim can't do it anymore, and tells finally. Well the victim has all these tools she learned and was groomed for many years in, and has no where to use it, so it then goes to use it on the family. Anger builds as she starts realizing if only my mom would have known sooner, I wouldn't have to go through this, and then there's the born children of the abuser, and they blame them also. I had to stay awake most nights to watch you guys, and when he would go after you guys I would step in to take your place so I could protect you. So then she feels validated that we should owe her this or that, because of what she has went through.
That is the best I can explain it. Sorry for the long post, but I am so tired of the merry-go-round that her/I go through, it has emotionally exhausted me, and I am about to go no contact with her again, but I don't want to. I have a grand child coming and I know I need to help her through this. It's so hard loving your children through this horrible trauma. Thanks everyone.