Yes, your ex was abusive, you are 100% correct. Your family is abuse you don't need, and I know how deeply that all hurts. But it is NOT insane to love someone, there are dozens of reasons why people love an abuser. I fell in love with an abuser, and so did everyone on this board. It's GOOD to cut toxicity out of your life, but don't feel like it's insane, or something is wrong with you, or you're weak for missing your abuser. It's totally normal. Let yourself grieve and don't judge yourself harshly for that.

I was 100% out of love with my abuser and totally beaten down and numb by the time I got out of my relationship-but I STAYED every moment, of every day for 15 YEARS. I stayed because I was afraid my husband might kill me if I left, I felt paralyzed, I didn't feel capable of making decisions anymore, I was brainwashed to believe that I couldnt cope without my partner, I was so used to being abused I thought it was normal, I was more comfortable with what I knew, than the unknown out in the world, I was afraid my daughter would blame me and resent me (which she did for a while), I thought my daughter needed her father since the abuse was directed at me at the time, I had no one to support my choice to leave or understand the risks I was taking by leaving, I made a commitment by marrying him that I felt I had "made my bed and had to lie in it", I felt I would ruin his life if I left, I thought if I could just figure out how to do all the right things I could make him treat me right, my ex controlled all the money, and those are just some of the stuff going through my head.

And you know what? Those are some of the same reasons many woman stay with abusers. I was not insane, I had dozens of very real reasons why I made that very bad decision to stay, stay, stay. I am sure you have real reasons why you miss your abuser-but it doesn't mean he's any good for you in the big picture, and it doesn't mean you are insane.

Just wanted to send you a hug and tell you that you are not alone. Reading your post I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and the description of the abuse. I too have struggled with going to church when I went back with him. Sending you hugs x

There is a biological
reason why, once
we bond with a
caregiver, such
as a parent, or
with an intimate
partner, it's so
hard to see
them differently,
even if they're
abusive to us.

The biological
reason has to
do with the
physiology
of our brain.
It's not about
weakness or
being foolish
or any kind of
character flaw.

Reading your post, I can relate because I fell in love with who I thought my ex was, maybe how I perceived him and for me those feelings were real and were authentic. I think your love for him says more about you than it does about him.

Maybe he wasn't so much behaving back then when you met him and fell in love as his behavior turned into over time and became more evident. Your questions are good, that they keep the realities in check.

There's a deep emotional bond, especially depending on how long but you're not insane

Thanks everyone I kept thinking about why I feel like I lost something when everything was so miserable. I couldn't figure out why I feel this way because I know Im doing the right thing but it feels so bad. Its hard to go through this - just like its hard to go through the abuse.
I am tired of being treated badly and realize I just need to keep the toxic people out of my life.
Ilene thanks for your physiological explanation that helps me understand myself a little bit. I am going to try reading a new book on abuse too. I have read many but feel I need more insight so I don't question my feelings or perception of it all. Especially so I can stay strong for the next attempt he makes at contact. I dread that. Each day I dont hear from him gets a little easier and I feel a little better but the second I see a text or see his car in the parking lot of Church when I come out or anything like that its like starting all over again. This is so hard but I feel very determined to stick with it.

Stick with it and yes, you will feel better a year from now. In the meantime, allow yourself to accept that it's hard. Yes, there's a part of you that thinks it shouldn't be hard, but shouldn't has no part to play in this. Fact is, it IS hard. And it's going to be hard for a while. Some days will be easier than others, but they are all hard.

You're not finding it hard because you are weak or stupid or insane, you are finding it hard because it's hard. But it will get easier.

Thanks Livindadrem, I still sticking with it so far and hope to continue to. I have bad days, so so days, and more bad days so far. But hopefully as time passes I will feel stronger. I know I will have to face his attempt at contact again so hopefully I am prepared to ignore him and stay strong so I can make it out to the other side of this hell.
I have been trying to stay occupied and am reading a book someone recommended too. I am just going to do this one day at a time like its an addiction. I think it is addicted to abuse? Wow how did I get here?

You've been doing so well radrm! Don't beat yourself up! Think about it... this is the time of year where everyone feels a little lonely and a little sick maybe. Like drug addictions, apparently recovering addicts are most tempted to use again when they are tired, not feeling well, lonely etc. You're doing great so please don't let this small blip make you feel that you are not! You definitely do not miss him! you are just feeling a small void at the moment that is uncomfortable! Keep taking care of you, filling your life with positive stuff, and soon there will be so much positive, you def will not be wanting to let all that negative back! I know your son appreciates that you are staying away too! Saying a prayer for you now to be able to release this hold he has over you! Blessings!!

How are you doing radrm? X