Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been working really hard to be more assertive for myself and not take the abuse. I know it's a treacherous position I'm putting myself in. He could flip out on me at any time. But, I've been using a lot of techniques to shut him down, and they've mostly been working.
1 - Over the weekend, we drove up to the mountains (about a 3 hour drive). He asked me to drive after a certain point because he was tired. I was a little frustrated because I wanted to read my book, but didn't complain about it. He always drives, and it's only fair that we share the responsibility. Well, there was a lot of traffic and road construction. The combination of those 2 make me very anxious. He doesn't deal well when I have anxiety in traffic. Anyway... His plan was to have me drop him off and him go on a bike ride. Well, the exit he wanted was closed. He was upset because that threw off his plans. I suggested that we take the next exit and take the local road that runs parallel with the freeway. He started yelling at me then and asked how we'd get to where he wanted to go. I couldn't answer that question, but I knew I'd just looked at it on a map, and it stood to reason that there is more than one way to get there... After that point, everything set him off. My driving, me saying anything at all to him. He started insulting me and criticizing me. So, I calmly asked him to stop. I told him that what he was saying was hurting my feelings. Of course, he was too worked up to respond to anything I was saying. I told him that it is unnecessary to call me names, or tell me that I act like a 15 year old who just got her learner's permit. I then stopped saying anything at all or acknowledging his presence. We got to the house, and I unloaded the car and hung out with our son. I stayed out of my H's way and didn't say another word to him for a while. My son, that sweet boy, came up to me and gave me a hug, kissed my hand, and said "I'm sorry that daddy said all those mean words to you and hurt your feelings." Then he said that "daddy got mad because of how you were driving" (or something like that) I looked at him very sternly and said that it was not the reason he was acting that way and it is not my fault. I don't know if he got it, or if that was the right thing to do.... Anyway, H left and did a ride near our house. I ALMOST told him that I was sorry that the exit was closed and he didn't get to do his ride. But, I stopped myself because that would imply me taking accountability for his change of plans. Not going to fall into that trap...
2 - I forgot that I had jury duty today. I didn't realize it until I got to work this morning. I called my H to see if he was still home (he doesn't leave until about 2 hours after I do). After 2 phone calls and 1 text, he answered and I asked him to look for my jury summons. He started to criticize "How can anyone forget..." I didn't go to defend myself, I just said, very calmly "Can you please look at the notice and give me the phone number?" he did, but I know it easily could have gone the other way. Had it happened, I would have figured something else out, but I was not going to fall into his trap. I'm about 100% certain that this isn't the last I'll hear about this. I'm sure 6 months from now, he'll still be bringing this up as an example of how much of an idiot I am. but, I made it through the morning.
It's hard to disengage from the situation and not give in to him, but I'm trying!
1 - Over the weekend, we drove up to the mountains (about a 3 hour drive). He asked me to drive after a certain point because he was tired. I was a little frustrated because I wanted to read my book, but didn't complain about it. He always drives, and it's only fair that we share the responsibility. Well, there was a lot of traffic and road construction. The combination of those 2 make me very anxious. He doesn't deal well when I have anxiety in traffic. Anyway... His plan was to have me drop him off and him go on a bike ride. Well, the exit he wanted was closed. He was upset because that threw off his plans. I suggested that we take the next exit and take the local road that runs parallel with the freeway. He started yelling at me then and asked how we'd get to where he wanted to go. I couldn't answer that question, but I knew I'd just looked at it on a map, and it stood to reason that there is more than one way to get there... After that point, everything set him off. My driving, me saying anything at all to him. He started insulting me and criticizing me. So, I calmly asked him to stop. I told him that what he was saying was hurting my feelings. Of course, he was too worked up to respond to anything I was saying. I told him that it is unnecessary to call me names, or tell me that I act like a 15 year old who just got her learner's permit. I then stopped saying anything at all or acknowledging his presence. We got to the house, and I unloaded the car and hung out with our son. I stayed out of my H's way and didn't say another word to him for a while. My son, that sweet boy, came up to me and gave me a hug, kissed my hand, and said "I'm sorry that daddy said all those mean words to you and hurt your feelings." Then he said that "daddy got mad because of how you were driving" (or something like that) I looked at him very sternly and said that it was not the reason he was acting that way and it is not my fault. I don't know if he got it, or if that was the right thing to do.... Anyway, H left and did a ride near our house. I ALMOST told him that I was sorry that the exit was closed and he didn't get to do his ride. But, I stopped myself because that would imply me taking accountability for his change of plans. Not going to fall into that trap...
2 - I forgot that I had jury duty today. I didn't realize it until I got to work this morning. I called my H to see if he was still home (he doesn't leave until about 2 hours after I do). After 2 phone calls and 1 text, he answered and I asked him to look for my jury summons. He started to criticize "How can anyone forget..." I didn't go to defend myself, I just said, very calmly "Can you please look at the notice and give me the phone number?" he did, but I know it easily could have gone the other way. Had it happened, I would have figured something else out, but I was not going to fall into his trap. I'm about 100% certain that this isn't the last I'll hear about this. I'm sure 6 months from now, he'll still be bringing this up as an example of how much of an idiot I am. but, I made it through the morning.
It's hard to disengage from the situation and not give in to him, but I'm trying!
Your 'disengaging' from your abuser, as you're practicing, is the best way to go if you're to stay in it. Any situation an abuser is in...whether a trip to the mountains or if you're in need of their help to find a phone number for you...is just different circumstances...but the same person. They'll make ANY situation difficult, exhausting, and downright soul-draining.
Good for you Cali. Good for you.
I think you did the right thing as far as your son. There may be other words and other ways, but as a spontaneous response, I think you probably got the important stuff said.
As for your husband ----
My position is that there's no safe way to deal with an abuser, and that being assertive and laying out boundaries is indeed, as you said yourself ---- a perilous position.
What you describe above, is abuse, and your child is witnessing and absorbing it.
If your choice is to stay in the relationship, the best disengagement you can manifest is emotional disengagement. This means partitioning yourself from the effects of the abuser.
Being assertive is not disengagement. It's oppositional. Opposition isn't taken well, by abusers. Acqiesence and submission are the safest choices, if your decision is to maintain the marriage. Obviously, this means a life of subjugation and abuse. Obviously, this is NOT my recommendation or choice for ANYONE. But I'm only me and can only say what I'd do. (I left.) It's my hope that no one would choose to remain in a life of subjugation and abuse any longer than it took to make and execute a safety plan to leave.
But if a person chooses to remain, then non-opposition is the safest position, physically.
Good luck to you and your son, going forward. Please take good care. All the best.
Ilene
I don't want my son to become another pawn in his game, but my H seems to know that it is how to get to me. I have called him out on it, but he just turns it around on me to say that I'm doing the same thing. Then I really start to second guess myself. when I talked to my son over the weekend, I said: "You know, mama and daddy sometimes get mad at each other. We will find a way to work things out. No matter what, we both love you very much and none of this is your fault" He said "I know". But, my H thinks I'm trying to turn our son against him. It's not my intent. I lived through a childhood of a stepmother trying to turn me against my own mother. She would say the most awful and hurtful things, yet she was never successful. I don't want to put my own child through that. I've tried to tell my H this, but he is convinced that I'm trying to make our son hate him regardless of what I say.