Tell him you have to go for your job. Period. Don't tell him about the male co-worker. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Hi Cali ----

I think you're on to something.

Here's what I'd say:

You're welcome and invided to come with me. If you choose not to, then that's that. I will NOT participate in any discussions that question my fidelity to you and my commitment to our marriage. If you feel you can't trust me, WHY ARE YOU WITH ME????????? Come with me and we'll enjoy time away from home together. Or stay home and trust me that I have the character and the commitment to be faithful to you. And that's the end of talking about your unfounded suspicion. You have the options of accompanying me, or trusting me.

(That's my perspective.)

I.W.

The word that comes to mind is 'prison'...that's what it feels like living with someone like this...always overly suspicious, unfounded jealousy, no boundaries (checking your phone). And you are always on RED ALERT, wondering, worrying, looking over your shoulder...aaarrrgghhh! I understand this well.

I got sooo tired of my ex hounding me about past boyfriends, and if I was being faithful...he met an old family male friend one time, and pounded me with questions for days because he thought this guy was a little 'too friendly' with me. He suspected we must have been involved....WTFFFF??

They are just nuts. Unfortunatly, we often find ourselves having to lie to our abusers so that we don't have to endure their wrath. Not condoing lying, but these are emotionally traumatic curcustances that sadly, we feel the need to adapt to in any way that means 'survival'.
Or, tell him and watch the sparks fly...or if he finds out, watch the sparks fly. It's up to you whichever way you handle...but as I've said...it's a NO WIN situation having to live like this, always doing the CYA -covering you ass thing because they are so abnormal and deranged.

I wish I could be more comfort to you, but with an abuser like this...I have found, and you probably do as well, that you are screwed either way.
I wish you luck!

You sound like you want to tell him the truth and I can relate to that. My Husband is very much the same, any guy I talk to, workmen, the postman blah blah...........lol. I feel for you, its your Husbands problem and their is nothing you can do, he has to change himself.

I think I have a solution, tell the truth but embellish it and say that another female co-worker is going to.......or maybe 2 or 3 then it doesnt look like its just the 2 of you together...........????

Good luck x

I can relate to this on so many levels. I go through weeks of hell before and after taking trips to visit my family. The endless nagging, the threats of not letting the kids go after things have already been paid for and the "your not the same since you've gotten back" over and over again about myself and the kids.. it makes you not even want to go!

But in his mind because he didn't say " you can't go" he's not controlling the situation. How furstrating.

I know you want to be truthful, but don't want to endure the questions ans accusations.. But you don't really want to hold it in and have it come out later and then be accused of hiding somthing.

I think Ilene had a good solution.. don't say anything abotu the co-worker, but tell him that he's welcome to come with you if he wants to.

and.. to Calmzone:
I too can't STAND the way I'm always accused of being with ex's and other people he knows. According to him, I've been wth the bartenders at his bar, his buddies that are musicians, in fact I've even been accused of being with his nephew and most recently my own STEP FATHER!! WTF??

Thanks everyone. Ilene, I like your advice. I'm going to try that. I still think I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. He already knows that I was approved for the conference along with the male coworker, but he thought it was going to be cancelled. I guess I could lie and say one of our newer team members also received approval to go as an exception but I don't think I can keep it up. I don't like to lie about things.

I do feel like I'm in prison - most every day. Any time I'm at the computer, checking my email or Facebook and he sees me, he's right there over my shoulder reading every word. Last night, I was emailing a friend that we weren't going to go to her baby's baptism. She had made some negative remark about asking her husband to check with my H, but her H didn't because he never sees my H. I was very careful not to say anything about either of them in my response. But still, my H read my response over my shoulder, didn't say a word and walked downstairs to watch TV, closing the door behind him. The closing of the door is significant b/c he usually leaves it open. Closing the door is his way of letting me know i'm not welcome, and he's not pleased with me.

I tend to agree with Ilene, be honest and give him option to join you or trust you. The invite will take away any feeling of him being left out, but i think it would be a good idea to put it out as an opportunity to have time away together, it depends on how you put it to him, although i've a feeling he will be unreasonable no matter what way you come across, i'm sure he'll still find fault.

If he still gets stroppy, ask him when did you become a child again asking permission of your father, or would he rather you be a woman who doesn't care about your career and just be a stay at home layabout,

I think its time to be totally honest with this man, say what you want, i know its difficult as you are probablly scared to be your self after having come accustomed to living on egg shells so as not tio set him off, also a bit scared of fact that if you don't comply to his wishes he will leave you and as you love him you don't really want that, as he well knows. I think this is the greatest fear in all of us abusers know it and play on it, from personal experience there is no other way to be with an abuser, otherwise they take full and complete control of your whole life, you are human not a robot with needs and wishes of your own.

Good luck x

calli, isn't that so unnerving? My ex used to SNEAK up quietly behind me whenever I was on my computer and stand there...God knows how long he'd be there until he'd just poke me, or I'd sense it. So freaky. They love to throw us off kilter.

LINES...wow, that is totally messed up! It makes you wonder how much of the reason they do it is because they are actually 'that' jealous, or if it's just to make you feel badly about ourselves, as if there is something that wrong with us...I'm sure a bit of both!

Be careful about taking him with. My STBX insisted on going to a conference with me, and then he gave me all sorts of guilt trips about the time I spent at the sessions and networking. It'll be a lot harder to do what you need to do for work with him about being all jealous and lonely.

I honestly don't think he'll agree to go. He goes to a lot of conferences and travels a lot for his work, and he knows what goes on at these things (could that be why he's nervous?). I just really wanted to invite him because I really don't care if he comes along and I want him to realize that if there was truly something funny going on, I'd have never asked him to come. I really don't think he'll see things that way, but it's worth a shot, right?

I hear that you're walking on eggshells...and want to tell the truth..and want to appease him for a quiet life also...

My advise is different in ways...

I would say....Get used to the idea...My MALE co-worker is being sent on this work trip also....and if you don't trust me...We have nothing...

But I'm not being put through any more hell just because you want to control me..and mistrust me....Its MY job..I'm going..and don't dare give me any more shit over it....

Why the hell should you take your husband on a work trip just to appease his very upsetting demeaning and harassing controlling crap?..

I agree with athen..if you bring him along it will affect what you are going there to do....They are also notorious for sabotaging anything that matters to you...So hes hardly going to make things easy for you..Just because hes joined you?

You really shouldn't have to do anything to prove anything to him...Its his issue..his problem..And already no amount of assurance or reassurance from you has changed anything?...

You say..'I really don't think he'll see things that way, but it's worth a shot, right?'

You're right....He really won't see things that way....But its really not worth a shot because of that fact?

Sorry if i sound hard about it...Its just that if i had my time over with my abuser...I would not appease him for anything!!.....I would not try any things to keep him happy..ie: in order to avoid his rages or jealousy..or his abusive behaviours...

You be you...Do what you know is normal..if he can't deal with it..I would say tough shit...

Thats me now..I can't help it..I woke up to my ex's abuse..and wish I had known, what I know now...and I would never have wasted my time....

Pussyfooting around them?..when they put you through hell?...No thanks...And I can only be honest..By saying..tell him to get over himself..You're going..that guy is going..Either trust..or be quiet...

You have a human right to work with males..and to go on necessary work trips with male co-workers..and you have a right to do that...without any abuse..or harassment..AND without having to bend over backwards..to make him feel good about it...

You're all right - it is HIS problem and he will have to deal with it. I just know he's going to do something to punish me (like not answering the phone to let me talk to my son -- he did that the last time I had to travel with this guy in December)

What is most upsetting is that HE is the one who had the affair with a girl 10 years younger. AND he had to travel to see HER. He would plan a business trip to get to this area - a portion would be spent doing work and the other portion would be with her. Now, he just expects me to do tit for tat and have an affair myself... That's not how I operate. Besides, I know better than to get involved with a coworker who I have to see and work with every single day. Talk about awkward!!

Its sad that hes controlling..Its sad that because hes a cheat..You have to suffer his own paranoias now..

Its sad that you are a very trustworthy and good person...But are being treated like you're not..

And its very sad that you were cheated on..

And its VERY wrong and abusive that you were prevented from talking to your own son when away before?..

And its very sad that you have to worry about so much...Over a simple work trip....

I'm sorry for you..That you have to live like that..You are so obviously a good person..and deserve so much better...

You deserve to be treated...like you are..the lovely good moral person you are...