Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I cant sleep...I have been thinking about this all night.......As some of you know I have been discussing the emotional/psychological trauma I believe to have been caused by my relationship to a narcissistt/pathelogical liar/psychopath that ended in January......but I am having a lot of thoughts lately that perhaps I am responsible for why our relationship ended..that maybe I have been in denial this entire time
I have a confession to make, a few actually. And it scares me a little bit.
a few days before my ex broke things off we got into a fight. The next day he said he wanted to see me, and that everything was ok and he wasn't mad at me and wanted to go to the beach. then I found he ignored me completely for three days. We never went to the beach. I got worried sick, scared, I was upset that he would act this way and neglect me for the rest of our lives and I just deleted him on all social networks and ignored his last text to me. I just don't know what came over me I guess I instinctively did it as this defense mechanism. I didn't know hoe else I would allow myself to leave him while I felt so confused by his behavior. The next day I waited and thought about things and realized I wasn't ready to leave him. I just wanted to talk to him about things and clear the air
by then I don't know if he was weirded out by my behavior but...thats when he started ignoring my calls and when he finally picked up I told him I was coming over. I came over with a gift I bought him after our fight a few days before and I tried to be affectionate and be myself. When I saw him that night I realized I wanted to work on things and pretend like nothing happened. That's when he threw me off of him and ignored me and turned his back on me and then dumped me two days later with no remorse, no care, nothing....
when our relationship ended he called me bipolar. I do feel like my actions literally in the last few days of our relationship could have been some kind of bipolar behavior or cognitive dissonance? I feel like i acted the way a psychopath would...that immediate blocking on instagram/discard. Although of course it was never my intention and i didn't want to hurt him i just freaked out and didn't know what to do with my emotions, how neglected i felt and how insecure i felt after our fight.
what if I'm a narc/psychopath just like him?! What if i acted so childishly to illicit a response from him just as a psychopath would? What if I'm the psychopath and he isn't? And he finally saw who i was when he realized i blocked him suddenly and then flipped and tried to comfort him and chase after him?
what if i am crazy? These actions have been bringing me a lot of guilt....and i need your honest opinions.
there is something else i have been feeling extreme guilt over.....
i begged for three months to be friends with my ex again. Finally he responded to me after three months but only when it was convenient for him. He left me stranded at a bar waiting for him, continued to ignore my texts, and then one night around 1030 he asked me to come over. I was desperate to see him again...i was still in love with him. And i ran over and when he greeted me he said, just letting you know Ryder is here
Ryder was his four year old son that he forbade me to see until he felt ready for me to see him when we were going out. So i never met Ryder during our relationship.
at that moment i should have ran but i didnt....
and i went upstairs with my ex and his angel of a child was sleeping in the next room
my ex poured us drinks and lit a joint and i got completely trashed and we slept together. All while his kid who i was never even allowed to see when we were together was sleeping in the next room.
i was in so much shock just being in the same room as my ex that i did everything he did. I let him sleep with me, i drank with him....with no consideration for that child or what might happen if god forbid there was a problem with him.
i was so desperate and stupid. What kind of man invites a woman over when his child is asleep in the next room, especially one who isn't the Childs mother...especially a woman who is his ex girlfriend..and sleeps with her and gets high with her like that?
when i left his place i literally felt like a used up prostitute and was disgusted by myself. I have been haunted about my actions....his actions...our actions since.
that poor child. If i knew my child was in that situation, sleeping while his father drank and smoked and slept with a woman that meant nothing to him...i would lose my mind.
i feel like a disgusting person. I'm disgusted by what a terrible father he is. I'm disgusted by how i allowed myself to act that way knowing a child was involved. I'm starting to feel just like him. I feel like a terrible person.......
do i deserve to be forgiven for all of this? How do i forgive myself?
I have a confession to make, a few actually. And it scares me a little bit.
a few days before my ex broke things off we got into a fight. The next day he said he wanted to see me, and that everything was ok and he wasn't mad at me and wanted to go to the beach. then I found he ignored me completely for three days. We never went to the beach. I got worried sick, scared, I was upset that he would act this way and neglect me for the rest of our lives and I just deleted him on all social networks and ignored his last text to me. I just don't know what came over me I guess I instinctively did it as this defense mechanism. I didn't know hoe else I would allow myself to leave him while I felt so confused by his behavior. The next day I waited and thought about things and realized I wasn't ready to leave him. I just wanted to talk to him about things and clear the air
by then I don't know if he was weirded out by my behavior but...thats when he started ignoring my calls and when he finally picked up I told him I was coming over. I came over with a gift I bought him after our fight a few days before and I tried to be affectionate and be myself. When I saw him that night I realized I wanted to work on things and pretend like nothing happened. That's when he threw me off of him and ignored me and turned his back on me and then dumped me two days later with no remorse, no care, nothing....
when our relationship ended he called me bipolar. I do feel like my actions literally in the last few days of our relationship could have been some kind of bipolar behavior or cognitive dissonance? I feel like i acted the way a psychopath would...that immediate blocking on instagram/discard. Although of course it was never my intention and i didn't want to hurt him i just freaked out and didn't know what to do with my emotions, how neglected i felt and how insecure i felt after our fight.
what if I'm a narc/psychopath just like him?! What if i acted so childishly to illicit a response from him just as a psychopath would? What if I'm the psychopath and he isn't? And he finally saw who i was when he realized i blocked him suddenly and then flipped and tried to comfort him and chase after him?
what if i am crazy? These actions have been bringing me a lot of guilt....and i need your honest opinions.
there is something else i have been feeling extreme guilt over.....
i begged for three months to be friends with my ex again. Finally he responded to me after three months but only when it was convenient for him. He left me stranded at a bar waiting for him, continued to ignore my texts, and then one night around 1030 he asked me to come over. I was desperate to see him again...i was still in love with him. And i ran over and when he greeted me he said, just letting you know Ryder is here
Ryder was his four year old son that he forbade me to see until he felt ready for me to see him when we were going out. So i never met Ryder during our relationship.
at that moment i should have ran but i didnt....
and i went upstairs with my ex and his angel of a child was sleeping in the next room
my ex poured us drinks and lit a joint and i got completely trashed and we slept together. All while his kid who i was never even allowed to see when we were together was sleeping in the next room.
i was in so much shock just being in the same room as my ex that i did everything he did. I let him sleep with me, i drank with him....with no consideration for that child or what might happen if god forbid there was a problem with him.
i was so desperate and stupid. What kind of man invites a woman over when his child is asleep in the next room, especially one who isn't the Childs mother...especially a woman who is his ex girlfriend..and sleeps with her and gets high with her like that?
when i left his place i literally felt like a used up prostitute and was disgusted by myself. I have been haunted about my actions....his actions...our actions since.
that poor child. If i knew my child was in that situation, sleeping while his father drank and smoked and slept with a woman that meant nothing to him...i would lose my mind.
i feel like a disgusting person. I'm disgusted by what a terrible father he is. I'm disgusted by how i allowed myself to act that way knowing a child was involved. I'm starting to feel just like him. I feel like a terrible person.......
do i deserve to be forgiven for all of this? How do i forgive myself?
You identified him
as:
a narcissistt/pathelogical liar/psychopath
and then you described
behavior of his that matched
your identification.
Attempting to partner with
a narcissistt/pathelogical liar/psychopath
could make the most
stable among us,
feel crazy.
I hope you would consider
researching a counselor
or therapist who specializes
in recovery from abuse or
family systems therapy.
Working with a qualified
therapist has helped
many of us. It seldom
hurts to try it.
Also, please practice
meticulous self-care.
You are NOT
a disgusting person.
You deserve all the
best that life has
to offer.
You've been the target
of a predator. That's
wounded you and
you need to be
compassionate
with yourself.
SELF-CARE will
help you begin
to do that.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
I feel like if I was a mature adult I would have been like...ok he lives a busy life I doubt he means to ignore me. I asked him a few times if we could communicate more but if I loved him I should have just accepted that right?
I don't know why we never went to the beach. I was texting him that day. He texted me at like 4pm saying- I went on a run with my brother. Weather isnt so great today huh?
Then I texted him a picture of me wearing a hat he got me. And he said, "Oh youre wearing the hat"
And then nothing......never asked to see me, never texted me even though he said he wanted to see me the day after our fight.
About a day later in the morning, as if nothing had happened "Hi hope you have a good class!"
I was confused at his really happy text and just said "Thanks"
Then didn't hear from him for a whole day. He texted me at 9 saying "I'm going to take care of my sick friend, I can cook us dinner tomorrow!"
And thats when I just shut down. I felt rejected. He knew how much pain I was feeling after our fight. I sent him a huge long essay saying sorry and how hard its been for me to cope with my emotions and how afraid I am to lose him and how I love him and just want to come over and hold him again.
He didn't respond to my first "essay" so I sent it twice thinking that maybe he didn't get it. Then he responded saying "Its fine, lets do something tomorrow lets go to the beach!"
And then that never happened. And I wasn't sure if he was actually taking care of his sick friend or not. But literally it was like two days of no communicating throughout the day at all and him expressing no desire to see me but sending these peppy "happy" texts??
I was angry and upset and felt neglected.....and thats when I just shut down and blocked him off everything. I just needed a night where I couldn't look at his picture...
And then the next day I decided that I needed to talk to him in person and express how I felt insecure but loved him deeply and wanted to work on things and start over.
When I texted him that day he didnt respond to any of my texts. I sent him a poem I wrote that he didnt respond to. I told him to call me after work and he didnt
When I called him around 9 he talked to me in an annoyed tone telling me my poem was confusing, that he doesn't have time to respond to or read that kind of stuff, that he was tired of me getting upset over small things like him not wanting to cuddle with me when I wanted to cuddle. (When it happened I would get really quiet and kind of turn away because I felt rejected)
I started crying on the phone and then somehow his phone just died. He didn't call me back at all. I waited like forty five minutes to call him back. Then he said, what, what now? Gave me some story of how he was in the shower after running and then his phone died when he was talking to me and then said...Lets just start over ok? Lets do something this week/next weekend. Lets start over. Immediately I said, I'm coming over. He said he was tired but I said I just wanted to hold him. And he was like "Ok I guess".
And then when I came over, he didn't even open the door for me or get up when I saw him. He sat ten feet away from me on the couch and when I kissed him on the lips he didnt kiss me back. When he went to bed he didn't invite me. I followed him and put my arm around him and he threw it off of me and then put a pillow between us and yelled me for touching him.
The next morning I left him a letter saying I was sorry if I ever did anything to hurt him and that I wanted to start over. I left while he was sleeping. I never heard from him throughout the day, or the next day, or the next day, despite my efforts to invite him out to his favorite restaurant and see him telling him I missed him and was sorry.
And then when I practically begged to call him after three days he told me he couldn't be in a relationship with me........
I just keep replaying all of this in my head...........I feel like I confused him, I shut him out, and then suffocated him. I just feel like I was the crazy one. I want to know where I really stand in all this. I want to know who I really am.....
What you described is what I would call survival behavior. We learn what we live & vice versa. We develop ways to survive based on our environment. I would say your environment w/him was quite toxic and you did the best you could with what you had at the time.
I second Ilene's suggestion that you find a therapist or counselor who specializes in recovery from abuse. A good therapist will help you to see that you are a loveable person who deserves kindness, caring, compassion, respect and love. And all of that starts with YOU giving those things to yourself.
This same wise therapist also told me that in order to have a happy healthy relationship w/another person, we must first have that with ourselves. Therapy w/the right therapist will help you achieve that. You may have to go 'kiss a few frogs' first before you find the right therapist, but once you find a good one, you're on your way. Trust your instincts/intuition. It will never steer you wrong.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and things do get better. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to honor & feel your feelings and give yourself as much time as you need to heal.
I questioned myself SO many times, in more than one relationship, and not just of the romantic kind.
Narcissists don`t self-examine in the real, worrying way that you are doing. They just get enraged when questioned and insist on their rightness/punish you/both, or carry on as if nothing happened and drop the offending person.
They may admit a mistake and apologise at a critical point, such as if not doing so would cause them to lose a good source of supply, but that is not linked at ALL to their seeing the true effects of their behaviour on another person, or any great realisation that they did something that hurt someone else. They merely see, "X is not being compliant, therefore N supply is at risk. Deploy emergency measures."
If you are worrying about how you have treated someone else, or if you are a narcissist or not, like MTC said, you are NOT one. He is incapable of thinking like you do. But he is capable of messing up other people`s lives with his abuse and self-absorption, which is what he did to you, until you could not have been expected to know which way was up, like most of us on here.
Huge (((HUGS))) xxx
One of the insidious effects of relationship with a P/N is that they drag you down to their level. This is a temporary effect. In the case of a P, their intention is to destroy your good character. They loathe goodness. It makes them see red like a bull in a bull-fighting arena. They have none of it themselves, They have told themselves that there is no such thing so that they don't feel cheated. When confronted with goodness, their only defense is to mangle it and stomp into the ground so totally that every aggravating reminder of it is history.
I am too embarrassed to admit the levels I sunk to after 3 years of relationship with a P, 2 of them living together. Fortunately, because I had been through it before, I knew it wasn't me. It was the malignant effect of the P, grinding away at my sanity, day by day, hour by hour. They deconstruct you. Possibly they do achieve something similar to themselves by stripping you of your humanity. But it isn't permanent.
You are not an N or a P. You are working on putting yourself back together now. They do not do that. They are the way they are. And they just go on being that way.
Hugs.
I know thoughts like this, too. Especially because abusers keep blaming their targets and make them crazy. There is an - in my eyes - excellent blog post with that question. Maybe it is also interesting for you:
http://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2014/05/15/when-narcissists-claim-to-be-victims-of-narcissists-who-is-the-narcissist/
A psychopath is not someone who deletes people from social networks. A psychopath hurts others, really hurts. I agree with the answers above: a narc would never truly question herself/himself.
Take care
sorry to read about your being confused
N
Please check out youarenotcrazy.com. Another helpful resource is Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.