Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Some of you may have read in some of the posts I've made in others threads that my H came to me some time ago and said he thought deciding to split may have been a mistake. He wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time to make that decision, he doesn't even recognize the man he was at that time, blah, blah, blah. In case some of you don't recall, we had been having big problems about a year before we split. I was trying to get him to agree to go to counselling, but he said he wasn't emotionally ready yet...felt dead inside and therefore didn't think counselling would help while he was like that (basically meaning he wasn't sure he cared enough to make an honest effort). A few months later he was diagnosed with cancer and underwent radiation, chemo, major surgery over the course of the next 8 months. He said he could not handle trying to work on our marriage while going through all that which I respected (in other words, had it not been for the cancer I never would have stuck around being in limbo for as long as I did). But because he was so emotionally distant and often cruel during this period, and I was living in limbo not knowing if he was ever going to want to work on the marriage, I basically turned into an emotional, anxious, depressed mess until he finally told me it was over. Once I was out I started getting better...slowly. He hasn't asked me to come back or made a commitment to work on the marriage YET. He wants me to continue on with my life and make no changes to accommodate the fact that he may still want to work it out. He says his feelings are way too screwed up right now to make that commitment and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has. He wants to try and figure himself out a bit better through therapy and take it from there. His therapist thinks that he has emotional development issues stemming from childhood abuse and has developed a defense mechanism whereby he completely shuts down emotionally when confronted with a situation that instills fear in him. Okay, we'll see. My problem? I'm continuing on with my life as I was before but I'm finding the anxiety and depression coming back. I know it's because I'm back to feeling like I'm in limbo again whereas before this I had closure...it was over, done, time to move on (despite the fact that was very painful). Now I'm not that sure. I tell myself this is a long shot, probably won't work out and to just decide in my head that it's OVER...but that doesn't seem to be working...it doesn't seem real unless he knows it too, but I don't want to discourage his therapy (he needs it!). Part of me is asking myself after everything he did and the way he treated me, why would I give him the chance to work it out even if he wanted to? But the other part is wondering if he really is the one in a million would can change and shouldn't I at least give him the chance. I don't know if I'm venting or asking for advice, just feel free to share whatever. Thanks for reading.
You need to take your power back, you need to value you. This isn't about giving him yet another chance, this is about not allowing yourself to be an option, it's about not sitting and waiting till he tells you what your life will be.
It's time to tell him to go figure himself out, and that you won't sit in limbo waiting for him.
What she said.
(Livnd is great!)
Your profile doesn't
share how old you
are. It doesn't matter,
other than when we're
younger, we see the
future streatching out
ahead with no deadline
in view. After forty or fifity,
we get a different perspective.
As time passes, we realize
that life is FINITE.
Given that, whatever age
you are, life is FINITE. . . . .
how many years do you
want to hand over to
someone who's goal
is to keep you on a
string, in case he
needs a victim?
(Sorry if this sounds
harsh. But. . . from
what you've shared,
that's where he
appears to be.)
Please look at your
life as it's been and
as you'd like it to be.
Then, look at your
expected lifespan,
and decide, how
much of that
you feel comfortable
with handing over
to him. . . . .
while he decides.
Yes/no?
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all good things!
You're NOT stupid.
You're bonded
to a predator.
The shame
is NOT YOURS.
It's HIS.
peace to you.
I don't think I'm stupid, I just feel stupid. Maybe that was the wrong word...maybe embarrassed would have been better. I'm thinking about telling him to bugger off tonight, but also thinking about talking to my therapist first. Thanks for your thoughts...much appreciated.
Personally, I'm seeing a lot of excuse-making and expectations, along with the tantalizing request for a promise to wait for him. Which has echoes of him admitting he will wait for you, and wants you. It reads as a trap to me. Another hook.