Yeah don't write him. He's not worth it. Even if he acted good towards you again you know how it will end up. Not worth it.

Great plan to write here instead.

I'm sorry for how you feel, but know that it's a very normal part of the process. Please don't beat yourself up for how you feel, or fight the emotions themselves. Accept them for what they are and the less pleasant ones will dissipate more quickly.

Just one more thing, every time you feel hurt that he "no longer" has empathy, that he "no longer" loves you, that he "no longer" cares - remind yourself that he never did. All that stuff in the beginning was just a show to reel you in. A conman's promise. You thinking that he cared then but changed, is like sending your money etc to a Nigerian prince, only to find out later that he "changed his mind" about sending you the millions he promised. The Nigerian prince didn't change his mind and nor did your ex.

I know it felt real, but it wasn't. And because it wasn't real, just remember that you also don't love him - you love the person he pretended to be. The real him is the one with no empathy, the one who can use and abuse you, then walk away without a backward glance, no remorse, no compassion. That's him - and I know you don't love that.

Keep taking good care of yourself, write here or do anything else on those occasions when you are tempted to contact him, and know that this too shall pass.

It WILL get easier.

I feel this exact same way every few days or weeks. So, you're not alone. The only thing that snaps me out of it is mentally reviewing why I had to walk away. During these times, I am brutally honest with myself about how bad things really were. Think of the absolute worst moment of abuse from him and put it on repeat in your mind until those "loving and missing him" feelings go away. Doing Ilene's Clarifying Index Cards regularly also helps to remind me as well. You'll be surprised at how quickly your feelings change when you remember the abuse.

I also agree with the previous posters. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. He'll just use it as another opportunity to abuse and/or manipulate you, so try your very best not to fall for it. Post here or in your journal if you have to...anything but contacting him. Every time I've slipped up and done it, I've regretted it...badly. So, please save yourself the heartache.

When I'm feeling down about everything, I make it a point to remind myself of what a miserable existence my abuser must be having. I'm not fooled by his apparent ease with moving on and by his fake laughter/smile when I do have to see him. His entire life is pretend. Pretend happiness. Pretend emotions. Fake, fake, FAKE, and oh so empty. So, remember that as well the next time you think he's "moved on". Just like he pretended to love you and care for you in the beginning, he's pretending to be happy now that you've moved on. On the inside, he's a broken, empty, pathetic soul.

Another suggestion to help with moving on...stay away from things that remind you of him. I found that I could no longer listen to certain songs, watch certain movies/TV shows, etc, because they reminded me of him. I know that seems extreme. But, it takes a whole lot of effort to free yourself from an abuser. So, do what you can to make it easier on yourself for now. Eventually, you'll be able to listen to those songs, etc and be fine. But, for now, stay away. No need to wallow in a self-created pity party. LOL.

Replace those old songs and old habits with NEW things or even things that you used to love but got away from because of your abuser. When I first got with my abusive husband, I realized that over time my tastes and preferences eventually gravitated towards the things that he liked. I put my own interests to the side to please him. So, once I moved on, I decided to renew my interests. My husband liked my hair lighter. So, I dye it jet black after I left. LOVE IT. My husband liked rap & r/b music. So, I started back listening to MY favorite stuff: heavy metal, alternative, dance/electronica, etc. LOVE IT. And you know what? I feel DAMN good about it! So, find new things YOU love and keep moving forward. Soon your abuser will be a distant memory and a blip on the radar screen of life. Wishing you best!

I, too, go through times when I miss him. Right now is one of those times. I came here instead of wallowing in those feelings.

I avoid things that make me think about him like the plague. Movies, tv shows, especially music. I even took my ipod out of the car because so many of the songs were about us, the good times and the bad times.

Last night, I went out with some friends without feeling guilty for the first time in almost 5 years. I have been casually dating someone for a few weeks now. I am not sure he will last, as I am not ready for a eelationship right now. However, he is nice and in my circle of friends. It felt so good for all of us to be out together, to just have a normal life. There was no pressure, or threats... Just a good time. I found myself just letting go and being in the moment. I had fun! It felt so good... And acted as proof to me that life WILL go on!!

Today, I have been missing him, but I realized something important...

While he may have loved me, I never loved him rhe way I thought I did. I thought he was my soulmate, and maybe he was. Soulmates are people who teach us important lessons, and he taught me many. However, he was not 'The ONE', because the one for me will love me as I deserve to be loved, with kindness, compassion and respect. It was freeing to realize he was never who I thought he was, and that the love I felt for him is nowhere close to how much I will love someone deserving of it.

You are worthy of so much more than he gave you, and somewhere put there is someone you will love even more than him.

You will love again, deeper and more truly! And he will be worthy of being missed!

I know exactly how u feel- songs are the worst thing for bringing back memories. My ex even told me certain songs reminded him of me and I was so happy but now I've just had to tell myself it was all part of his game/act.
Infact the 3rd time he came back to me, the night before my bday, we lay on the floor of his flat cuddling and listening to these songs and I felt so happy and loved I could of burst.
Have u done llenes clarifying cards? Writing down the bad things can really help u when u are remembering the "good" times. Sending u strength x

I feel the exact same way.

I have felt like that a lot of times and it does go away with time and once we get half a life back. I am still working on getting a life back and it is slow in happening. Weekends seem the longest for me and the lonliest but I think lonely is better than abuse and turmoil. Chaos is what it was like and I do not miss that. I think we only miss a few little things and just because we miss them they seem so big but if we think about reality it is easy to see that there wasn't much good to miss. Hugs, hang in there.

I feel that way as well.

Just wanted to say I can identify. I so long for the day that I feel nothing for him anymore. That I don't see a tv show/commercial that has a man that favors him and triggers me, or a song that reminds me of us, or things we planned to do, etc.

I try to distract myself by messaging a friend or calling anyone else or getting on here. It is a bit harder for me as I dont have computor access at home, I really need to get it. Weekends are the hardest for me as too much time on my hands to think of him and to have moments of weakeness where I almost contact him. Especially when I don't make myself stay busy. Arggh.
Hoping you have better days ahead soon...

Thank you for your replies during a tough couple of days.. it was nice to know i'm not alone. Reading them over and over was the only thing stopping me contacting him.

I'm feeling a bit better now, it seems to come in waves when i miss him and start second guessing myself. I think this is because the abuse wasn't so obvious and extreme as in other cases. For example, i'll hear adverts about abuse labeling signs such as isolation from friends, extreme jealousy, controlling where i can and can't go .. and i had none of that and it sometimes makes me doubtful and confused as to why i feel as bad as i do still.

I'm also struggling with this idea of codependency. The idea that i have some bigger issues which may affect future relationships and means i'll become dependent on partners really scares me. I hoped these were normal affects of being in an emotionally abusive relationship which could happen to anybody, and that i could learn from and move on from.. instead of a pattern within myself i may keep repeating.

Just venting.. but thanks again everybody for your kind words and support. I wish i could let you know how much it's helped me the past couple of months.