Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So my ex moved out on Monday. As he loaded the last of his things into the moving truck my son asked if he could fix the broken chain on his bike and my ex turned to him and said "No, i just finished loading the truck, ask your mother", turned around got in his car and left without saying goodbye to my son or daughter!
Since then my ex has not once attempted to contact the kids, told me I can keep them for the weekend (which is supposed to be his weekend/weel) because he has "nothing" in his house for them and their furniture will not be delivered for 2 to 3 weeks. I don't know if that means he wants me to keep them 2 to 3 weeks or what.
Not once while packing "his" things to move did he ask the kids what toys they want to bring to his house or mention that he will be buying them toys or anything.
Part of our divorce (per the attorney) the kids because of their ages can not go an entire week without seeing the other parent or talking to them so we agreed tues or wed. of each week the other parent would call or go to dinner with the kids.
WELL....... HE HAS YET TO CALL THEM, TAKE THEM TO DINNER OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
He has not during any of his ridiculous calls/texts to me asked about the kids and he even went to my daughters day care yesterday while she was still their to pay and NEVER even said anything to her, not hi, not NOTHING!
YET........ HE WENT OUT DRINKING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND LAST NIGHT.................
I am not surprised at all that he has done this (even though he has protrayed to be such a "great" dad to his girlfriend who has a 7 year old son), but even though I am not surprised there is a part of me that is a little because I guess I had hoped I might be wrong and he would do the right things by his kids.
I am soooooo sad for my kids..... I refuse to initiate anything for him with them. If they ask I will let them call him but they have not mentioned him at all, they have been VERY clingly with me though.
I do have a question, what should I do? Should I say anything to him about it, should I just go straight to the court and file for full custody, should I document and wait a period of time? I just don't know.
Of course we have 50/50 custody of the kids and he owes me a tiny bit of child support, but we agreed to front the cost of the kids while they are in our custody. So being I am keeping them during his time should I ask him for money?
I am really just so frustrated. My heart breaks for my kids, I would die for them and he for the THIRD time now chose his girlfriend over them!
He could have come over or called them yesterday instead of going out with his girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will this ever end??????? =(
Since then my ex has not once attempted to contact the kids, told me I can keep them for the weekend (which is supposed to be his weekend/weel) because he has "nothing" in his house for them and their furniture will not be delivered for 2 to 3 weeks. I don't know if that means he wants me to keep them 2 to 3 weeks or what.
Not once while packing "his" things to move did he ask the kids what toys they want to bring to his house or mention that he will be buying them toys or anything.
Part of our divorce (per the attorney) the kids because of their ages can not go an entire week without seeing the other parent or talking to them so we agreed tues or wed. of each week the other parent would call or go to dinner with the kids.
WELL....... HE HAS YET TO CALL THEM, TAKE THEM TO DINNER OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
He has not during any of his ridiculous calls/texts to me asked about the kids and he even went to my daughters day care yesterday while she was still their to pay and NEVER even said anything to her, not hi, not NOTHING!
YET........ HE WENT OUT DRINKING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND LAST NIGHT.................
I am not surprised at all that he has done this (even though he has protrayed to be such a "great" dad to his girlfriend who has a 7 year old son), but even though I am not surprised there is a part of me that is a little because I guess I had hoped I might be wrong and he would do the right things by his kids.
I am soooooo sad for my kids..... I refuse to initiate anything for him with them. If they ask I will let them call him but they have not mentioned him at all, they have been VERY clingly with me though.
I do have a question, what should I do? Should I say anything to him about it, should I just go straight to the court and file for full custody, should I document and wait a period of time? I just don't know.
Of course we have 50/50 custody of the kids and he owes me a tiny bit of child support, but we agreed to front the cost of the kids while they are in our custody. So being I am keeping them during his time should I ask him for money?
I am really just so frustrated. My heart breaks for my kids, I would die for them and he for the THIRD time now chose his girlfriend over them!
He could have come over or called them yesterday instead of going out with his girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will this ever end??????? =(
I guess he is pouting, however since this is what he wanted, so it's really childish. If I were you, I would document everything, NOT say anything to him and wait for awhile to see what he is going to do. If I were you, I would want full custody so, I would just let things be, and not rock the boat. I would be the best Mom that I could be and just be happy for that for now. Don't be sad for the kids, they will think something is wrong with them because he is not seeing them when the truth is, he is a snake.
I am also willing to bet, he is not as happy as he would like you to think. Happy people do not act like he is acting. His girlfriend has no idea what she is letting herself in for.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
Ican't imagine what it is like for you.
I do feel that in the long run your kids will understand (maybe years from now) that you saved them too by giving them a safe environment.
I wish so much for you.....
I am so sorry I know this pain that you feel for the children. What an ache... My ex finally did get it together and see the kids more but it was truly unbelievable!
My ex's life revolved around my son, to the point it was ridiculous, after I moved out. But it was all about using him to hurt me. When my son after 18 months walked out of his dad's house and over to mine, his father made no attempt to reconnect with him after the first couple weeks.
So just sayin', maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. It's so sad for your kids, but if he's an abusive father...it's probably for the best. A 2 parent family is not ideal with one of them is an abuser.
Yes, I would go to court to get more child support, immediately. I would not go for sole legal custody, because as it was explained to me, if a kid does something like damage property when he is with his father, and you have sole custody, then you are financially responsible, even if he's not with you. Full physical custody, yes. And make sure you get the authority to make the decisions in your kids lives. My decision said that we were to try to make decisions jointly, but if we weren't able then I had authority to make decisions. So ask your atty.
My son is now 21, and the most awesome kid. You just love those kids, they will be fine, whether he comes back into their lives or not.
Good luck, big hugs.
-not say anything to my ex (so that he can't 'correct' his behavior OR somehow use the situation to hurt the kids or myself MORE
-document everything on a calendar
-talk to my lawyer about it
-go for full custody
-if the kids ask about him, I would make excuses for him to save their feelings ie: "Daddy's just very busy with the whole moving thing"
-secretly do a happy dance because I'd like to limit my ex's access to my kids. (the less time that they spend with an abusive person, the less abuse that they will suffer).
-recognize that their clingy behavior may be a sign that they are feeling insecure
-accept the clingy behavior and show them an overwhelming amount of love and affection
-maintain routines (supports their sense of security)
-surround the kids with extended family/friends (let family members/friends know that the kids are feeling insecure and hope that they give them extra attention and make them feel extra special).
Why would you want your kids to spend time with an Abuser?
My session today was very insightful along with all of your advice and support!
I will just sit back and see what happens. If my kids ask to speak to him or he calls them then fine, they can talk, but if he does not I will not initiate anything because if he is "not into it" he may just make them feel neglected.
If in a month I still have them I need to go to court because as my therapist told me, my kids need to and have a right to know "where they will be and what to expect" for their own security.
I am just so ill that the more I think about what he is doing to them that I EVER thought he was a good dad. He has been back to my house twice moving the rest of "his" stuff and not once did he grab any of the kids things or toys which I agreed he could have so the kids would "have something" at his house for when they are there (which is why he said he can't take them). I am seeing the writing on the wall, he doesn't nor did he ever want them.
My therapist told me she sees with the way things have gone in just the few days since he moved that I will have full custody and he will be perfectly fine with it unless he wants to hurt me or has a reason (such as owing me more child support).
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I will continue taking it day by day and loving my kids more everyday! =)
P.S. My kids were so happy last night because I spent the evening with them making a play room for them with a spare bedroom (that my ex took a bedroom set from). My son even woke up this morning and told me if he had time before we left for school he was going to play in his new playroom. Really put a smile on my face! =)
than you've already gotten,
except to urge you to
LOG and DOCUMENT
EVERYTHING
EVERY DAY.
The court needs to know
how he's "parented" on
a day-to-day basis
since he moved out.
Sending you and
your children
hugs and
healing prayers.