Have you read Vileness clarifying cards post? I will find and bump it for you. They really help when u start looking at the "goodtimes"

Giggle - no I haven't, that would be great, thanks!

Wiggy, this was a big problem for me. Distance and time and no contact is truly a double-edged sword in the beginning. But the doubt you are feeling will fade. Unfortunately, it takes time.

I agree with Giggle...the clarifying cards could be very useful.

Wiggy hang in there. Time really helps this situation. Try to keep busy and try to find some kind of peace. Try Rescue Remedy. Get the drops from the health food store. It's helped me with the obsessive thoughts.

This has been mentioned before but worth repeating. I think for many of us when we reminisce on the "good times" what we are remembering is more to do with remembering our fantasy of how we wished it was or the fantasy of who we made our abuser to be.

I'm still living with my H yet but as I move toward physically separating there are plenty of times I have twinges of pain as I think about good times but when I really work down to the truth those good times were false and not based on reality. The good really wasn't as good as I made it to be in my mind. It was more the absence of bad, the absence of tension.

wiggy - I'm going through the same thing. I go out with my friends and all I want to do is call him. Sometimes it's so nice to have that space, but on the other hand it so hard because that space lets us think about the good and bad times. I don't know about you but all I want to do is try to fix the situation, like I always did in the past. Lately all I have been thinking about is the good times, and I really miss the good times. But them there were so many bad times. So many and he was so abusive (physically, and emotionally). I have done the clarifying cards and they truly do wonders especially at night when I vulnerable. Currently I'm over 2 months nc, and it feels so weird. I don't think I'm at the point where I'm ok, but I know I will be and I know you will be too. I think you have to get through it day by day and learn to heal yourself by doing things that make you feel good. Also, give yourself lots of time. Wishing you the best.

Ditto GodIs's response. It took me a long time to realize it, but I really do believe it's the truth. It's the fantasy that we desperately want to hold on to- and the memories of the good times that were most likely early in the relationship. All I know is that mine is an entirely different person than he presented himself to be when we first met, and that over the years, it only got worse. And the bad FAR outweighed any good that may have once been there. I'm just sorry it took 18 years of my life (and my kids') to finally realize this. I also highly recommend Ilene's Index Card Exercise. I have a HUGE stack, and really did help things become much clearer- to better be able to see things as they really are. (((HUGS)))

Great replies already.

Cards help me, plus the knowledge that actually, no matter how nice they 'seemed' to be at times, even later on, they would always do something to spoil that eventually. They would always return to being nasty. If you look at it like that, what emerges is the truth: nice is an act, nasty is the real them. It always emerges in the end when their nice 'mask' gets stretched too far and they cannot maintain it.

But I know where you are coming from. It is not comfortable at first. Like ltwist says, though, your head will calm and balance in time.

Hugs to all going through this xx