Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I recently officially ended my 10 year emotionally abusive relationship with my boyfriend and instead of feeling overwhelming happiness, I feel absolutely terrified. I had to pick up and leave everything and am having to start over and it feels very scary. All in all I feel like a total failure in life, everyone around me seems to being doing so well in life and here I am, 28 years old and I feel like I have nothing to show for myself. I know it's not completely my fault because of my boyfriends controlling behavior, but in a way I feel like it is because it took me so long to break free from the relationship. My boyfriend was very controlling, I was almost completely isolated from my family and I have no friends because I was never allowed to. I have very little self esteem because I have been emotionally and mentally abused for so long. It's barely been a month since I left, but I feel like I should be making so much more progress then I have. Does anyone else feel these feelings too?
Instead of dwelling on your ex, hang out with your bffs and have fun. Dont be afraid of the beginnings, they dont have to be bad all the time. Dont push yourself, instead go chill.
You did something good and beneficial by dumping him and it will benefit you whether you know it or not.
that you describe, have
been instilled in you by
your ex-abuser's words.
In essence, they're the
echoes of his lies, his
attempts to control you.
Now he doesn't even
have to be there with
you, to manipulate
your emotional life.
A month since you've
been free of abuse and
you feel that you should
have been making "more
progress?"
The reality is that you
deserve a medal for
having gotten free of
his abuse, at all!!!!!!!
Here's what I urge you
to consider doing at
this point:
First, I hope you'll find
your way to your nearest
women's resource center.
There you will find any
number of kinds of support
for yourself in regards to
moving forward from this
point, which may include
some number of counseling
sessions or the names of
counselors or therapists
specializing in recovery
from abuse. This has
helped many of us here,
enormously.
Second, I also strongly
urge you to engage in
an exercise I developed
to help delineate exactly
what you survived and
from which you successfully
escaped. It's called the
"Clarifying Index Card
exercise." (I'll see if I can
bump it for you, when I
finish this response.) It
will help you not want
to return to that prison
and may also serve to
keep you from finding
a new one that repeats
the hell from which you've
just escaped.
Finally, I hope that since
you escaped, you've
reconnected yourself
with family and friends
or will very shortly.
One of the strategies
that every abuser uses
is to isolate his or her
victim, from everyone
who loves her (or him).
Now that you're away
from the abuse, it's time
to reconnect with others
and ultimately, with yourself.
You say you were with
this abuser from the
first years of your
adulthood till just
now. That means that
your adult personality
has never had the
opportunity to develop
free from control and
abuse. No wonder
you feel nothing
positive at this moment.
You've been operating
under the control of
an abuser since you
stopped being a child.
You've never been a
free-living adult yet,
to this point in time.
Now's the time to
go back, meet your
adult self for the first
time, and grow that
young woman up to
being able to function
as a free, healthy,
independent and
thriving young adult.
The world is waiting
for what you have to
offer. You're a flower
on the stem of the
universe.
You don't know that
because for the first
decade of your adulthood,
you've been squashed
under the heel of an
abuser!
Sending you hugs and
wishes for clarity and
healing. Take good care.
I think the feelings you mention are completely normal. I understand why you would feel like you should be making more progress right now. If I may be so bold, and I only mention this because you mentioned your age in your post, but you are very young. Without trying to take any of your reality away from you, I hope you will take this in the spirit in which I offer it...you are very lucky to have gotten out at this point in your life. Now you have the rest of your adulthood to look forward to, and to learn and grow. I hope you will be very patient and gentle with yourself as you figure out where to go from here and how you want to spend the rest of your fabulous life...yes, fabulous, because you have many, many years of life ahead, and YOU get to make it whatever you want it to be.
Having said that, though, I have had the types of feelings you've described. They're completely normal. I wish you the best going forward :-)