Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well I did talk to the ex last night, it was cut short once he started throwing things in my face. I was really depressed and missed him when he called so I answered, but as soon as he started screaming at me over the phone, I hung up. He just rambled off all the things I did wrong too, saying I caused most of the problems and I openly admitted to him I made my mistakes, and I said things or acted out of spite and anger in an inappropriate manner and I was wrong for that, that I should have reacted better. But putting all the blame on me is just unfair but he wouldn't listen, he kept telling me how terrible I am. I don't even know why I picked up the phone really. Now I really do feel terrible. I keep asking myself if I really did cause everything. I did retaliate back a lot, especially towards the end. He would do something that hurt me so bad and then he hardly wanted to talk about it so it would sit there and simmer, sometimes for weeks, I would think of everything I wanted to say and express how it hurt me, or even ask for his side of the story, but every time i tried, I would get shut out or he'd get angry. I would be left so upset and hurt, that little things would make me irritable, because of that I had a short fuse, I was angry and sometimes I feel like I just lashed it right back at him occasionally I would lash out at family or friends. Do people normally adopt some of their abusers qualities? I feel like I'm going insane, or that I'm a terrible person too...and I can't seem to kick this feeling.
You are not a terrible person. He is. If you stay away long enough, the truth will become clear to you because, without that person in your life, you are not ANYTHING LIKE HIM. You'll see.
You did not cause everything-no one "causes everything" real relationships are a two way street-in abusive relationships you are set up to fail. Your problem was you dared to try and assert your thoughts, you needs, your wants, any aspect of yourself he couldn't control. You can't do that with an abuser-it's infuriating. But the truth be known, even if you became a zombie under their complete control you'd still be abused-because abusers like to abuse people. You are not a terrible person. I bet your friends, your family, your co-workers don't think you're this terrible person. Just the abuser right? There's a reason for that....
Please know that this loading of the blame on us is so typical of abusers. They don't want to look at the fault within themselves, so it is so much easier to load all of the blame on the other person.
Also please don't feel that you are the one that caused all the problems, sure I think so many of us start to emulate their behaviour after a while because we get the feeling that we can only fight fire with fire. It seems to be our only means of defense against them.
It was that that made me finally want to get out of my marriage, the fact that I was starting to behave just like him
Now that I am out of the abusive marriage, I have admitted to myself all the fault that truly was mine, and I am working on changing that so that I don't live my life like that any more. My life is so radically different now - peaceful and happy.
I pray you can get to this place for yourself too.
Just remember it takes two to make or break a relationship, so I am sure there is just as much if not more that he has done wrong too.
You are not crazy. I think it will take awhile for me since I was with him for over 20 years ...he did a number on my brain.
I bumped my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise yesterday.
I URGE you
in the STRONGEST terms
to give it a try.
It was developed to
help clarify if someone
has crossed over from
sometimes unpleasant
behavior
to being abusive.
Again, please take a
look at how to do it
and give it a try.
It might well
help you sort
some things out.
In conclusions,
part of the agenda
of an abuser
is to
make you feel
and then believe
that you're crazy.
Sounds like
your abuser
was effective
in that initiative.
Please take good care.
I do believe it is normal to lash out, as the other posters have replied. My feeling is that the human spirit can only take so much. Some victims become withdrawn or deoressed..lash out at little things or people they don't know well, like an innocent store clerk that made a mistake. Sometimes, repeated abuseor even a traumatic event can cause anger in victims. Your feelings are normal. The way he treats you is not.
You are a good and decent person. Once the physical abuse escalated in my relationship I made an appointment at the local women's shelter. They do a simple intake and gave me a book called "why does he do that?" It's worth checking into. Your guy sounds a lot like mine did. The raging n blaming n not letting me speak. I feel like I am there when reading your post.
I know what I would normally want to do, I just don't know if I want it anymore. I'm seriously confused, and still really numb, it's really hard to want to get up and do anything or see anyone. I got so used to everything beings ours, that every single thing reminds me of him and I just feel really sad about it.
I swear his life goal is still to make me crazy. I think because I am actually smarter than him and he knows it.
By going off at you over the phone, he looks as though he was lambasting you with rage to disorientate you and get you to give up your position of having left and put him in the wrong (where he totally belongs, by the way).
Every single one of my abusers subjected me to either verbal or written rage in attempts to put me "back in line" when they thought I had done something that they found unforgivable, like leaving, having feelings of my own, or sometimes even just breathing! I fought back too, because our instinct is to defend ourselves and to correct their twisting.
But when you doubt yourself, remember that HIS behaviour came FIRST, before you reacted to it. His behaviour is the problem, not yours. When you are away from him, you will recover and get well. He won't. He will carry on being abusive. That is what makes you different from him. You are his victim.
Please don`t listen to him. They twist everything. You're here with us, and we know you are NOT crazy. We've all felt that way, and it`s them, not us.
Huge hugs xxx
NOW I AM ME, AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE, I AM GAINING MY LOST SELF, THE WONDERFUL SOUL I WAS, HE CHANGED ME FOR THE WORST, ITS WHA TTHEY WANT, TO MAKE US SLAVE, OBEDIENT, ITS CALLED ''EMOTIONAL ABUSE'', BE STRONG AND JUST DON'T LET HIM ABUSE YOU ANYMORE, YOU SAID IT ALL, AS FOR TRUST, THAT ITS NON EXSISTENT, JUST TAKE EACH DAY WITH A FEELING OF FREEDOM FROM THE NARCISSISTIC , BE HAPPY JUS TTO BE YOU, LOVE L..
Please find some strength in knowing there are people here who will listen and understand you. I have family but they really don't seem to understand this. Believe you are ok...cause you are.
Don't let his overbearing, controlling nature chastise you into believing that you are at total fault. I use to fight with my 2nd husband because he would tell me everything was my fault, and I told him NO I will live up to 70% he could have the 30% NO he wouldn't even live up to that, I gave myself the bigger number and he wasn't about to hear he had ANY responsibility.
It's a crazy way they make you so that you are dependent on them
to 2nd guess yourself, stand up and believe in yourself and stick to your guns. I am a true believer in that it takes two people to make the demise of a relationship. I'm sorry we all are accountable for the bad stuff we bring into relationships however, how one behaves and treats the other in this manner, it is abusive. He doesn't have to yell at you, or scream at you that doesn't solve anything.
I would recommend trying to keep your calm by any means necessary if you have to bite your tongue play nice, tell him
I'm sorry you feel this way, but if you continue to yell at me I'm
just going to hang up the phone, which in turn he won't listen to you
and you will have no other recourse but to hang up the phone.
Atleast it gives him 2 options, to keep going or to stop. That's his
choice, and then you can make it clear to him YOU CHOSE TO YELL, I CHOSE TO HANG UP THE PHONE.
You get back your control, the more he see's you don't react.
Unfortunately, he may not see it this way, but atleast you will feel empowered. Because now it's about you, not him. You got to center yourself and remember why you left this guy in the first place. He is abusive and you don't have to put up with that, it's your choice, you don't have to stay, he has no control over that, and it pisses him off.
Oh Well you live and learn.
One thing I can say about these damn abusers that really ticks me off is they won't take the time to get help. They see nothing wrong with what they do, and they go looking for their next victim. It's a cycle.
But why bother even speaking with an "ex"?
An "ex" is an "ex" for a reason.
It's things like this that show the vital importance of maintaining "no contact" and MOVING ON with your own life.
Don't let him drag you down again!
{{hugz}}