Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just met with my therapist. I talked with her about my two weeks of being back together with my husband which I mentioned in other posts.
She told me that she does not see how marriage counseling is going to work if my husband is constantly pointing out the negative and occassionally giving positive to me. She said that in order for us to begin marriage counseling technically we both should be in individual counseling as well, (my husband called his therapist the day after our 1st marriage counseling session and told him that we are going to marriage counseling to work on things and he will call him if he needs it).
She told me that in her opinion although she does not have a crystal ball the chances of change are pretty slim although it can happen.
I am starting to have a panic attack because I don't know, I just don't know. I don't want to be a failure but I also don't want to keep being made to feel inadequate as a mother, a wife, a human.
Is this really happening to me? All this time I wanted validation so that I did not feel crazy and I have been getting it and now I am deeply saddened and sick to my stomach.
Any advice. =(
She told me that she does not see how marriage counseling is going to work if my husband is constantly pointing out the negative and occassionally giving positive to me. She said that in order for us to begin marriage counseling technically we both should be in individual counseling as well, (my husband called his therapist the day after our 1st marriage counseling session and told him that we are going to marriage counseling to work on things and he will call him if he needs it).
She told me that in her opinion although she does not have a crystal ball the chances of change are pretty slim although it can happen.
I am starting to have a panic attack because I don't know, I just don't know. I don't want to be a failure but I also don't want to keep being made to feel inadequate as a mother, a wife, a human.
Is this really happening to me? All this time I wanted validation so that I did not feel crazy and I have been getting it and now I am deeply saddened and sick to my stomach.
Any advice. =(
I'm so glad you are validated now!
But the problem is his abusive behavior. Period. He is the only one who can fix his problem. And it's true that most abusers never will change.
It is not your problem, and not your failure. You are doing everything you can and that is a victory.
Keep going to your individual therapy - tell your husband you think it's important for you to both do that AND go for couples counseling, but it doesn't typically help in abusive situations.
Read Kevins post-- "It's OK if your relationship fails." It is beautifully written and so true.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My 8 year old actually said to me this weekend while we were out of town at the resort pool, "Mommy, are you going to go into the pool today? I said yes probably to which he replied "Good, then it won't be a waste to have put on your bathing suit like yesterday".
Knowing all of this I am still terrified, sad, heart broken, feel like a failure, etc.
Marriage counseling
does NOT repair an
abusive relationship.
And an abusive relationship
does NOT make
an "intact" family.
What your children are learning
is how to abuse and to be abused.
Living under the roof of abuse
will do that.
Please consider
living ABUSE-FREE.
But the truth is, I am a success. I am an outstanding success. Why? Because it's been 4 years now since I have put up with abuse. In that time I have lost a few "friends", gained some true friends, and been more authentically me than I was ever allowed to be in either one of my marriages.
I didn't fail at marriage, they failed by abusing me. The shame is not mine, it's theirs. And while it still makes me sad that my son won't grow up with a father in his life, I know that he is SO much better off not having an abusive father in his life. Or in mine.
You are not a failure. You haven't wasted 20 years. You have gained wisdom, insight and children. Those things are not wastes.
Finally, the realisations you are going through are really hard. It's not at all surprising that you feel saddened and sick. But ultimately, they will help you. Accept your feelings, know that you are strong, that you can do whatever it is your gut tells you that you need to do.
I walked away from my marriage for the sake of the kids, so they wouldn't have to see their mother insulted, threatened, criticized etc. I didn't fail at saving my marriage but my ex certainly did :-)
If you do start to have a panic attack, my therapist says to breathe: In, two, three, Out, two, three, four. Nice deep breaths. Apparently if you do this for five breaths, you regain control that was lost when your autonomic nervous system took over.
I know it's hard. I hope you can find acceptance soon.