I meant NOT talking to my mother*

I think the longer you go nc with your mother, the more the reality of how toxic this relationship is to you will become evident. I haven't even seen my parents in over five years due to similar reasons. Yet, when they call me out of the blue it is always something about them and their problems. They never seem to be concerned about how I am doing. I think that if I had not seen my daughter in over five years, I might be trying to figure out a way to resolve that. But all I get is "listen to our problems," basically trying to make me feel guilty for not being there for them!

I think the longer I have stayed away, the more clear it becomes how toxic the relationship is. You have only just started in regards to nc, so of course it is going to be more difficult. I hope that you are in counselling and getting validation for what you have been through. Certainly this helped me a lot.

Take good care of yourself, get yourself and card and a present and give to yourself I say! Hugs!! I know it's not easy!! xxx

Thank you Mary. I tend to agree with you. I have a math learning disability & this causes me to have issues balancing a checkbook. I am going through an extremely hard time emotionally & financially. I am in the process of moving. This news somehow got back to my mother and she in a "nutshell" said she'd help me out with money, but "after the way I've treated her lately, she doesn't think I "deserve" it". UGG! And then she has the nerve to say I'M THE ONE "playing the victim". Disgusting...

Hi jasgall, I am so sorry to hear how your mother has treated you :( You are NOT in any way a bad daughter!

I too have had similar probs with my parents. They were very possessive of me early in life, tried to push me into a particular career and made me very depressed with that; they refused to accept that I wanted to date (at 20 years old!), and finally were not accepting of my husband, or involved in or at my wedding. I have been NC with them for a few years, although they will call me when they want something, or when a relative has become ill/ passed away, because they know it would look bad to others if they did not inform me.

The guilting you describe from your mother is something I really recognise. It is so horrible of her to treat you that way. I think you are absolutely justified in staying away if it is for your own emotional health. Nobody should feel obliged to subject themselves to that kind of treatment from a parent.

To make you feel better, it was my parents' wedding anniversary last week, and I did not call or send anything either. I felt bad, but like you, the instinct to protect myself (rightly!) took over. I used to save up my pocket money and do nice things for them as a kid, but I don't want to open that can of worms again... know what I mean?

Take care of yourself, and don't worry - you are a good person, and you don't deserve this crap xx

Ugh! So sorry for your situation.

I wish there were a way that we could be lifted up by people and bask in their love and support and we wouldn't have to deal with the bad parts of them... the human evil that is in all of us to varying degrees.. some much worse than others. I wish forgiveness were easy and we could all have a calm peace, the type I read about Jesus having in all those bible school stories.

It's such a cruel world with people hurting each other and themselves.

I think honest communication is key and realizing that sometimes when people wound us.. it was just shrapnel flying off from their own wounds.... Just like you were hurt by what your mother did in the past.. which causes you to withdraw from her.. and now she feels that you're treating HER badly because she can't or won't face that what she did to you in the past is the cause of it! It's a vicious circle of different realities, pain and assumptions..

The only one happy with the situation is probably the Devil. Not that I'm an overly religious zealot or anything... but you know what I mean.

Go easy on yourself and know what ever you choose for yourself is ok.

Thanks everyone. Christy no need to apologize for your Biblical references. I am a Christian and I understand what you meant. Forgiveness has been difficult for me because for so many years, I was not allowed to talk about it. It lasted for years. The abuse was physical, emotional, and mental. As soon as I feel like I'm ready to forgive her, she does something else that is hurtful. My therapist told me I internalized the abuse & trauma because I was not allowed to outwardly express emotion about it. She has to keep reminding me that forgiveness is a process & that I am not always at fault. I am very responsible, but sometimes it gets me in trouble. I'll take on responsibility for fixing things that aren't my problem in the first place. And she has to keep reminding me to let go & let God.

Different approaches work for different people.

I have a difficult family member. One thing I have learned is to not depend upon her approval. Once I realized that whether she liked or didn't like things, and that I can and should be happy regardless of that, I could deal with her and be happy. And once you don't let someone's opinion determine or dominate your life, you can be happy and make your own decisions.