Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am new to the forum. Although I have known I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years I still am in a somewhat state of denial. I have been through the abuse cycle more times than I can count. I have been controled and made to feel guilty on a daily basis. He moved from FL to be with me in the Northeast. I am reminded of everything he gave up on a constant basis. I have been physically abused on at least two occassions, one involving him strangling me and me having to call the police. After pleads and promises to be there for me and our 3 kids I forgave him. I stood at his side in front of judges, and many many strangers, in several courtrooms stating that I acknowledged I was asking for charges against him be dropped. I felt that humiliation and yet I still stood by his side. I am currently supporting the entire family. He got angry at me one night because I had dinner with friends and quit his job making over 100k a year. Just quit. Said he was leaving to go back to FL. Two days later he says he can't stand the idea of being away from his kids, he becomes very helpful around the house, supportive, and over days cons me into staying. It is never about the kids. It is always about me. Controling me. Owning me. Trying to get me to respond to him in a way that meets his emotional needs.
I finally file for divorce. He changed his manipulation tactics and I fell for it again. I think, this is real. Finally we can be a family. He has a very sick family member who is dying. I support him being there for his family member. I encourage him to go to FL and take care of him. I pay for the trip. I pay for all expenses while he is down there. I pay for our full time nanny to watch the kids while I work, only to come home and be the only caregiver at night. He stays for a month, and I support him. We have to sell our house. I have a good job but not to have a 4500 sq ft house mortgage to cover and everything else. I go into a deep depression and withdrawl. I communicate that I love him, I am just struggling with losing our family home. He can't handle it. He can't see to support my needs. We fight. He looks at me with hate in his eyes and yells that he cheated on me in FL. I suspect he really didn't, but either way I dont care. What makes me stop breathing is how much hate was in that sentance. How he could do/say that to me after I supported him emotionally and financially. I hate him. I avoid him the last two days, only interacting with our children. Already the texts start. How much he loves me and the kids. How my behavior is the reason for him saying what he did.
I am disgusted. I want out. I have support and resources. I finally accept that I am in an abusive relationship. And yet I am so deep that I question myself every day. I beat myself up for being pathetic. I see the patterns. I recognize the abuse. I make excuses still to my friends and family. I avoid them to not share the latest pathetic details. Why can't I leave?
I tried to leave two times before I was able to get out. Same thing, was somehow conned into thinking everything was exaggerated and my problems weren't really with him. The promises, the love bombing. It's gaslighting-psychological torture. You are not pathetic, you are a human being who is just as susceptible to the effects of torture as any other human being. Have you ever seen those references in TV or movies to someone psychologically breaking someone-that is what your H is trying to do to you and with very similar tactics.
I see the strong desire you have to be done with this abuser, and if you're ready for action please proceed safely! Many women underestimate the danger in leaving an abuser-and I see signs for concern. An abuser who will go as far as strangling someone is capable of killing them. When doing risk assessments on perpetrators such a behavior indicates a higher risk of harm to the person leaving the domestic violence situation. I do not mean to be a fear monger, but I its better to error on the side of caution. I just lost a cousin who was killed by an ex she had recently left-these are the possibilities in leaving an abuser and a safety plan is vitally important, and I would especially recommend it in your case.
I agree with your other supporters in contacting a woman's shelter for resources. They can help you with a safety plan, support, information, and everything you will need for the fight to free yourself. You want to arm yourself with information and support-because as you know many abusers don't allow their victims to leave very easily. Not all abusers are like my ex, but he pulled out a level of nastiness I wasn't prepared for even after having been abused by him for 15 years. Oh, do I wish I'd been ready for it. But at the time I didn't know I was being abused (talk about denial-I was afraid he would kill me if I left and somehow still thought that was normal?), and no one told me what I might be able to expect leaving an abuser.
You can do this, and you don't have to do it alone.