Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My wife and I have been through a rough few years. We hit six years recently and were separated briefly 18 months ago, but worked things out. Through all the tough times we have been having deep down I never stopped loving her. However, for the past six months things have really begun to change for me and I don't think I love her anymore. Our daily bickering has worn on me. At least once every couple of weeks we end up in huge screaming match over some perceived slight she thinks I gave her or me not doing something that she says "all husbands should do." A lot of times I honestly thinks she just likes to fight, argue and denigrate me in front of whomever happens to be around - whether its friends, family or complete strangers. Our friends get uncomfortable around us because we always are fighting and even when I point out how its ridiculous and that other people see, she'll tell me privately those people aren't us and don't know what we go through and who we are - essentially f what they say. We got into it again the other night and I just had it, I told her I wanted a divorce and she began to cry. Then she switched to arguing yet again and I got so angry and cursed at her and she told me if I wanted to go then go......here's the next thing though. I start packing a bag and getting some stuff together and she begins to freak out like she didn't expect to actually go and says we need to talk and work this out. We went back and forth between talking and arguing for another hour - at this point its almost 3 am. She even used my 18 year old stepson who is now in college and essentially has a life of his own and our two nephews who live in TX far from us - whom I love but only see once a year not counting Skype and reasons why I shouldn't leave and why its "not about me" and that it is "selfish" to leave. Then
she asks me if I love her anymore.....I told her that I don't think I did. She was devastated and started to cry and went to our room - I think she called our friend in the process and told her because I could hear her talking to someone. I couldn't find the car keys and wasn't going to knock on her door to ask so I just went up to the guestroom to sleep a few hours - because I was so exhausted due to the late hour - and then leave in the morning when I could get my keys. She came upstairs around 630 am crying and saying again we could work things out and began essentially begging me to stay. She began naming things she would stop doing because she knew I didn't like them. I was taken aback and sat and listened and said we will try a little more. She has been very nice and pleasant and has been really a joy to be around these last few days - but I haven't felt anything different. I think that the flame of love I once had for her is gone and that if it hasn't come back soon I should and need to break her the news that I'm going. I'm really at a loss because I don't want to hurt her but I'm not happy and feel I need to move on. I need a little advice
she asks me if I love her anymore.....I told her that I don't think I did. She was devastated and started to cry and went to our room - I think she called our friend in the process and told her because I could hear her talking to someone. I couldn't find the car keys and wasn't going to knock on her door to ask so I just went up to the guestroom to sleep a few hours - because I was so exhausted due to the late hour - and then leave in the morning when I could get my keys. She came upstairs around 630 am crying and saying again we could work things out and began essentially begging me to stay. She began naming things she would stop doing because she knew I didn't like them. I was taken aback and sat and listened and said we will try a little more. She has been very nice and pleasant and has been really a joy to be around these last few days - but I haven't felt anything different. I think that the flame of love I once had for her is gone and that if it hasn't come back soon I should and need to break her the news that I'm going. I'm really at a loss because I don't want to hurt her but I'm not happy and feel I need to move on. I need a little advice
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that have
brought you here.
You're posting on a
forum about abuse
so you obviously have
a sense that your wife
has been abusive.
My advice to you is to
find a counselor or
therapist whose
specialty is recovery
from abuse. Therapy
has helped many of
us. . . . sort out the
chaos of having been
the target of abuse,
and pull the pieces
of our damaged psyche
and shattered dreams
back together so we
can move forward
in our life.
At some point, you may
actually find that the "flame"
is not totally extinguished.
Should that happen, (here's
where therapy can be really
usefule), should that happen,
don't forget the pain of what
you endured over the years.
Abusers don't become
non-abusive.
Also, whether you decide to
keep trying or move out and
get a divorce, at some point
she WILL stop being nice
and pleasant and will
ultimately return to her
normal behavior. Her
becoming pleasant in
the face of your packing
to leave is TOTALLY TYPICAL.
It WON'T LAST.
Please make sure you take
very good care of yourself.
And I hope you'll find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.
My therapist told me that BPD is on a continuum, meaning there are severities to the disorder. Some people only show a few traits, while others are full blown BPD.
Hope that helps.
you seem to feel guilty somehow, as if you decided to fall out of love and have somehow not fulfilled your end of the marriage bargain. the thing about love songs and hugh grant movies is they neglect to tell you that love does not endure forever in a vacuum, and it can be beaten out of a person like a demon. if your relationship is abusive the love in you was killed as surely as if she had stabbed it, and it is something to mourn, not apologize for. come to terms with the loss for YOU, not her, and it will lose it's power as a way to lure you back in when you are trying to leave.
if it can be rekindled or not is tomorrow's question, today is about non-judgementally evaluating how you feel and speculating as to how you got there. i think if you can get some space and time apart without her going into full blown panic that would be beneficial, just to help you sort things out. if she's not willing to give you that, well, that's telling, and you should pay attention to that. is it the relationship she wants or just a whipping boy? only you can answer that, and only you can sort out your feelings, you just have to stop thinking about her long enough to find your own answers. she will survive no matter what path you choose, so be true to yourself.
Jaylion, you mentioned that your wife didn't want to have any more kids. Is that something you guys discussed at the beginning of the relationship?